My Wife's Not A Virgin
When Tunde informed us that he was getting married ,it came to us as a surprise. Tunde was known as Life CEO Players Club, Africa. If all the ladies that has slept with Tunde are asked to place their hands on each others shoulders,the line would be longer than the 3rd mainland Bridge in Lagos, Nigeria.
The traditional and white wedding were fixed for the 1st and 2nd of May respectively.
People turned up for the traditional wedding, some came to bless the new union while a larger number came to confirm if Tunde was actually getting married and to ‘what’ since no normal thinking lady will marry him going by his record. The traditional wedding went very well with Tunde dancing and ‘eyeing’ some of the female guest.
On the 2nd of May , while we were getting ready for the wedding as grooms men, we received the sad news that the wedding has been called off by Tunde.
His reason?
He found out on the night of the traditional wedding that the wife was not a VIRGIN .
One question kept going through my mind “Playboy Tunde wants to marry a Virgin?”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask, Is there an advantage to being a VIRGIN?
The traditional and white wedding were fixed for the 1st and 2nd of May respectively.
People turned up for the traditional wedding, some came to bless the new union while a larger number came to confirm if Tunde was actually getting married and to ‘what’ since no normal thinking lady will marry him going by his record. The traditional wedding went very well with Tunde dancing and ‘eyeing’ some of the female guest.
On the 2nd of May , while we were getting ready for the wedding as grooms men, we received the sad news that the wedding has been called off by Tunde.
His reason?
He found out on the night of the traditional wedding that the wife was not a VIRGIN .
One question kept going through my mind “Playboy Tunde wants to marry a Virgin?”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask, Is there an advantage to being a VIRGIN?
I Dont Like Her Friends
They say birds of the same feather flock together and many times I feel like it’s true but in this instance I hope it’s not. So I was dating this girl a while back, and for the most part she was a great girlfriend. No real cause to complain, but my major issue was her friends.
Her friends were all single, and they party way too much. Every weekend they are going to some club or another and always hanging with random club guys that only God knows what their eye is chooking for. Though I knew my girlfriend doesn’t want anything else, but I felt she was always being exposed to those "good-for-nothing" guys by her friends that are single and still mingling.
Sometimes I over hear the convos her friends have and they are always talking about some guy they smashed or want to smash and all their random escapades. One time they were talking about a guy I knew, he slept with one of them a few times. Are these the kind of friends I want my girlfriend hanging around?
I tried to encourage her to hang out with more girls who are in relationships or married but she says “They are dry and boring, and never want to do anything.” I don’t understand what she meant by that. Is it cos they don’t go out partying all the time?
I feel like her friends are trying to get her to be single(which they succeeded in doing) again and exposing her to all the things that are out there. I feel like they made he realize she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and leave me.
How do you keep her from hangout with her single friends all the time? if a girl is serious about a relationship should she be hanging a lot with single friends.
Isn’t that distracting? Or am I just being ridiculous?
Her friends were all single, and they party way too much. Every weekend they are going to some club or another and always hanging with random club guys that only God knows what their eye is chooking for. Though I knew my girlfriend doesn’t want anything else, but I felt she was always being exposed to those "good-for-nothing" guys by her friends that are single and still mingling.
Sometimes I over hear the convos her friends have and they are always talking about some guy they smashed or want to smash and all their random escapades. One time they were talking about a guy I knew, he slept with one of them a few times. Are these the kind of friends I want my girlfriend hanging around?
I tried to encourage her to hang out with more girls who are in relationships or married but she says “They are dry and boring, and never want to do anything.” I don’t understand what she meant by that. Is it cos they don’t go out partying all the time?
I feel like her friends are trying to get her to be single(which they succeeded in doing) again and exposing her to all the things that are out there. I feel like they made he realize she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and leave me.
How do you keep her from hangout with her single friends all the time? if a girl is serious about a relationship should she be hanging a lot with single friends.
Isn’t that distracting? Or am I just being ridiculous?
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.
Stupid BBM BCs | When will this mumu end
I’m actually pissed as I write this piece; but then again, I’m almost always pissed. When you live in Nigeria, you’re likely to always be on the edge of anger at a lot of things. There’s always something to tick you off, drive you off that precipice of serenity into that pit of rage; it could be traffic, a reckless okada man, a commercial bus driver, your neighbours, that police officer, PHCN, PDP, whatever. The list is almost endless.
However, what draws my ire this time around might actually be petty, depending on how you look at it. And I’m sure it’s a thought that would have crossed your minds also. Worse still, I might have unwittingly participated in it; my friends too, and this creates a sort of ripple effect because it ends up spreading, by our hands, literally. Not anymore (speaking for myself that is).
Overtime, we have come to appreciate the beauty of social media channels and instant messaging in aiding communication with family and friends; transforming the global village into an even smaller global clan. I’m sure you already know the advantages but there’s just one teeny-tiny downside that can be quite annoying; not for what it is, but for how it is being used in Nigeria. It’s the broadcast thingy.
There’s quite a lot of news being peddled around and while some might be real, I’m pretty sure the fake news now outnumber authentic information. Instances abound: once, it was said that there was a prophecy of doom for anyone using 2go on a particular day in June. Trust Nigerians and fear, people logged out instantly. An even more recent hoax was the “DON’T WEAR RED” prophecy allegedly by Pastor E.A. Adeboye. The first thought on my mind when I got the broadcast was what the factory workers at Coca-Cola were going to do since they wore red uniforms; not forgetting LASTMA officials too. Fortunately, the rumour was dispelled before it spread even further.
Some of my contacts now leave me with doubts as to whether they went to school or not; I have the same doubts about myself sometimes.
The most annoying (for me) so far was the fake broadcast about a bus with secondary school students on board, leaving the University of Lagos (I wonder why MAULAG wasn’t allowed to stick) for Obanikoro, suddenly seen en-route Oshogbo. It was said that one of the kids woke up and raised an alarm on twitter (Seriously???!). Once again, people ignorantly spread the rumour, creating an atmosphere of fear and panic without first verifying facts or asking questions such as the following:
1: Aren’t secondary schools supposed to be on long vacation (I know there’s summer school in progress o, don’t bother calling my attention to this)?
2: Isn’t there a possibility that the students (if they’re not at home) could be on an excursion, hence the bus being outside Lagos?
3: Aren’t registered shuttles the only commercial vehicles allowed into UNILAG?
4: What are secondary school students doing in a university (I know UNILAG is supposed to own an International School o, most universities do)?
5: Why hasn’t any parent raised any alarm in the media or to police authorities since the rumour started?
6: Would twitter be the first thing on my mind if I just regained consciousness?
SMH….
Just think about these questions and wonder why they have not being asked or answered before believing and spreading broadcast messages on blackberry phones and social media channels. What irks me most is the fact that a true piece of information would likely be treated like “the boy who cried wolf” if this continues. When false information is allowed to reign supreme, it creates an era of misinformation.
These days, we aren’t even sure what’s real or not anymore. We do not stop to think for ourselves; we just gobble up every bit of information that comes our way without checking for facts. It’s a matter of one mumu creating a hoax and broadcasts it to another mumu who believes it wholeheartedly and broadcasts it again (sometimes acting like the original source) to another mumu; thus the cycle of mumuisim is born. This leaves you wondering who the greater mumu is.
Maybe all that is going on around us has got us scared but should we now mass-produce it? No, a fearful man shouldn’t be an ass you know; that would make him a dead man. I’m not berating anyone but it’s time we start trying to verify facts before pushing them unto the next person. We don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes but we should at least think before broadcasting.
Enough of this mumu.
However, what draws my ire this time around might actually be petty, depending on how you look at it. And I’m sure it’s a thought that would have crossed your minds also. Worse still, I might have unwittingly participated in it; my friends too, and this creates a sort of ripple effect because it ends up spreading, by our hands, literally. Not anymore (speaking for myself that is).
Overtime, we have come to appreciate the beauty of social media channels and instant messaging in aiding communication with family and friends; transforming the global village into an even smaller global clan. I’m sure you already know the advantages but there’s just one teeny-tiny downside that can be quite annoying; not for what it is, but for how it is being used in Nigeria. It’s the broadcast thingy.
There’s quite a lot of news being peddled around and while some might be real, I’m pretty sure the fake news now outnumber authentic information. Instances abound: once, it was said that there was a prophecy of doom for anyone using 2go on a particular day in June. Trust Nigerians and fear, people logged out instantly. An even more recent hoax was the “DON’T WEAR RED” prophecy allegedly by Pastor E.A. Adeboye. The first thought on my mind when I got the broadcast was what the factory workers at Coca-Cola were going to do since they wore red uniforms; not forgetting LASTMA officials too. Fortunately, the rumour was dispelled before it spread even further.
Some of my contacts now leave me with doubts as to whether they went to school or not; I have the same doubts about myself sometimes.
The most annoying (for me) so far was the fake broadcast about a bus with secondary school students on board, leaving the University of Lagos (I wonder why MAULAG wasn’t allowed to stick) for Obanikoro, suddenly seen en-route Oshogbo. It was said that one of the kids woke up and raised an alarm on twitter (Seriously???!). Once again, people ignorantly spread the rumour, creating an atmosphere of fear and panic without first verifying facts or asking questions such as the following:
1: Aren’t secondary schools supposed to be on long vacation (I know there’s summer school in progress o, don’t bother calling my attention to this)?
2: Isn’t there a possibility that the students (if they’re not at home) could be on an excursion, hence the bus being outside Lagos?
3: Aren’t registered shuttles the only commercial vehicles allowed into UNILAG?
4: What are secondary school students doing in a university (I know UNILAG is supposed to own an International School o, most universities do)?
5: Why hasn’t any parent raised any alarm in the media or to police authorities since the rumour started?
6: Would twitter be the first thing on my mind if I just regained consciousness?
SMH….
Just think about these questions and wonder why they have not being asked or answered before believing and spreading broadcast messages on blackberry phones and social media channels. What irks me most is the fact that a true piece of information would likely be treated like “the boy who cried wolf” if this continues. When false information is allowed to reign supreme, it creates an era of misinformation.
These days, we aren’t even sure what’s real or not anymore. We do not stop to think for ourselves; we just gobble up every bit of information that comes our way without checking for facts. It’s a matter of one mumu creating a hoax and broadcasts it to another mumu who believes it wholeheartedly and broadcasts it again (sometimes acting like the original source) to another mumu; thus the cycle of mumuisim is born. This leaves you wondering who the greater mumu is.
Maybe all that is going on around us has got us scared but should we now mass-produce it? No, a fearful man shouldn’t be an ass you know; that would make him a dead man. I’m not berating anyone but it’s time we start trying to verify facts before pushing them unto the next person. We don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes but we should at least think before broadcasting.
Enough of this mumu.
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.
From My Book | That First Love
I sit down in the chair as I recall the event that happened at the restaurant. She broke up with me. I was shocked when the words came out of her mouth. She did not show any sign of not been happy with me. Yes, we fight like every couple but I thought we had a shot. She broke up with me and yet I did not feel any iota of disappointment. This is my 3rd failed relationship in the space of 3 years.
The women that have broken up with me in the past 3 years have complained about the same thing. I was not open enough and I was not letting my emotions show forth and I act like I am doing them a favour. Maybe they are right that I was not giving my best in the relationship. I might not be able to say the words they want to hear but they just have to realize that I am an onion at the moment and you have to peel me layer by layer before getting to the centre. I need time. I need time especially after what happened.
They all said I have not moved on. They all said I have not let go of the first woman I ever loved. They believed I was holding on and yes, they might have a point. If only they knew my secret. I told them all about the part where I lost her to a car accident. The part of me feeling responsible for her death is the part I leave out. How do I explain to them that I feel responsible for the accident?
I still remember like yesterday, five years ago when all we could talk about was our future. The number of kids we want to have, the kind of life we want to live and how happy a family we hoped to be. I threw all that away when I felt insecure about her married boss paying her a lot of attention. The gift he gave her on her birthday dwarfed mine and the jealousy just increased and I accused her of having an affair with him. She explained things that there was nothing happening and I did not even listen to her.
She came over that fateful night, she was about45 minutes late. I had prepared dinner hoping we will talk over dinner and have make up sex. She apologised for coming late and that she had been stuck in a meeting with her boss. On hearing that, I just flared up, saying all sorts to her. She kept quiet through my rage and it just annoyed me more. She tried speaking when I stopped, I cut her off telling her it was over between us. I watched her as she broke down in tears and tried explaining herself to me. I did not listen and instead I walked her out of my house. She was trying to beg me but it all fell on deaf ears. I pushed her out of the house when she refused to leave.
My phone rang about two hours later, it was her. Why is she still calling? I picked up the call to ask her to stop calling. I heard a man’s voice on the line and he asked me to come to the hospital which he described to me. She been involved in an accident and he called me because my number was the last number dialled on her phone. I got to the hospital and I was taken straight to the morgue. She had died instantly from the impact of the collision with a stationary truck. I fell to my knees and tears just rolled out of my eyes. The doctor asked me if I was aware she was pregnant. Pregnant? I wailed like a baby. She was carrying a baby. A 3 weeks old baby. I had killed mother and child. I had driven both of them out of my house to their death all because I could not listen to her. My jealousy got the best of me.
The guilt still lives with me. How do I move on from that? The thought of it all sickens me and it weighs me down so bad that I just want to scream out to the world to help me but I cannot. I stand up from the chair and walk to the medicine cabinet in my room with my glass of drink still in my hand. Why am I still living ? I can no longer cope with this guilt. It is eating me alive. I get my sleeping pills from the cabinet. I am tired of living with this guilt. It ends tonight.
FROM MY INCOMPLETE BOOK...."(DONT HAVE A TITLE FOR IT YET)"
The women that have broken up with me in the past 3 years have complained about the same thing. I was not open enough and I was not letting my emotions show forth and I act like I am doing them a favour. Maybe they are right that I was not giving my best in the relationship. I might not be able to say the words they want to hear but they just have to realize that I am an onion at the moment and you have to peel me layer by layer before getting to the centre. I need time. I need time especially after what happened.
They all said I have not moved on. They all said I have not let go of the first woman I ever loved. They believed I was holding on and yes, they might have a point. If only they knew my secret. I told them all about the part where I lost her to a car accident. The part of me feeling responsible for her death is the part I leave out. How do I explain to them that I feel responsible for the accident?
I still remember like yesterday, five years ago when all we could talk about was our future. The number of kids we want to have, the kind of life we want to live and how happy a family we hoped to be. I threw all that away when I felt insecure about her married boss paying her a lot of attention. The gift he gave her on her birthday dwarfed mine and the jealousy just increased and I accused her of having an affair with him. She explained things that there was nothing happening and I did not even listen to her.
She came over that fateful night, she was about45 minutes late. I had prepared dinner hoping we will talk over dinner and have make up sex. She apologised for coming late and that she had been stuck in a meeting with her boss. On hearing that, I just flared up, saying all sorts to her. She kept quiet through my rage and it just annoyed me more. She tried speaking when I stopped, I cut her off telling her it was over between us. I watched her as she broke down in tears and tried explaining herself to me. I did not listen and instead I walked her out of my house. She was trying to beg me but it all fell on deaf ears. I pushed her out of the house when she refused to leave.
My phone rang about two hours later, it was her. Why is she still calling? I picked up the call to ask her to stop calling. I heard a man’s voice on the line and he asked me to come to the hospital which he described to me. She been involved in an accident and he called me because my number was the last number dialled on her phone. I got to the hospital and I was taken straight to the morgue. She had died instantly from the impact of the collision with a stationary truck. I fell to my knees and tears just rolled out of my eyes. The doctor asked me if I was aware she was pregnant. Pregnant? I wailed like a baby. She was carrying a baby. A 3 weeks old baby. I had killed mother and child. I had driven both of them out of my house to their death all because I could not listen to her. My jealousy got the best of me.
The guilt still lives with me. How do I move on from that? The thought of it all sickens me and it weighs me down so bad that I just want to scream out to the world to help me but I cannot. I stand up from the chair and walk to the medicine cabinet in my room with my glass of drink still in my hand. Why am I still living ? I can no longer cope with this guilt. It is eating me alive. I get my sleeping pills from the cabinet. I am tired of living with this guilt. It ends tonight.
FROM MY INCOMPLETE BOOK...."(DONT HAVE A TITLE FOR IT YET)"
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Posted by LordHman's Blog
Ashewos' And The Men That Patronise Them
You do not need to stay on the Island or drive along Adeyemo Alakija to come in contact with Ashewos because Blackberry and Social network platforms like Facebook and twitter have made it so easy for these people to reach their customers and for their customers to reach them.
Some days ago, two ladies fought on twitter and went about telling their followers and non-followers how they slept with men to get a Blackberry Bold.
Wait did you get that? I mean two ladies, people’s daughters with siblings’ maybe or cousins went on a social network to talk about how they slept with MARRIED men for a communication device with no regards as to who was reading or who could take the message home.
Forget morals …Does prostitution only apply when you stand on the road and wait for a car to pick you, take you to a hotel room (Depending on your class) and bang, bang till it’s over? I don’t think so, if you are having sex with the intention of getting material or financial gratification, you are an ashewo. Kpomkwem .
The game of Ashewo-ism has taken a new dimension; these days you can engage on some below-the-line advertising by using near nude pictures of you as your BBM/Social Network display picture to lure interested men into “pricing”.
In case you are wondering, pricing refers to the that period when she makes you go:
You: Nice DP
Her: Do you like?
You: Yes
Her: You can get it
The discussion continues, a date is set and boom! you’ve smashed her. For some, the demand starts instantly but for others it’s the day after and it’s start with messages like
Her: Hey
You: Why the sad face, what’s the problem?
Her: I just got a message from home.
You: What is the problem?
Her: I don’t want to bother you with my issues.
You: What are friends for? Please tell me
Her: I just got a message from my uncle that my mum needs to undergo a surgery.
You : Oh sorry!
Her : The problem is that they need money from me.
You: How much?
Her : 275k, but you can assist me with ANYTHING
The story goes on and on until you pay for the sex you had with her and depending on how much you paid, you may be smashed over and over.
The truth is that game is gradually leaving the streets and has been christened “Runs“; but unlike the “street standing“ ashis, these “runs” chics go to Dubai and come back with LV bags the same price as their house rent in Okoko.
I don’t have anything against anybody going to Dubai with another person’s husband but let’s call a spade a spade, if you are getting paid for such trips, you are an ashewo and calling yourself a runs chic does not change that fact.
I know some people are going to be mad at me for saying considering that someone may be reading this on an iPad/BB given to her after a long night. Ok I kid! I kid! You deserve it after all it’s not easy trying to stay alive below a pot belly.
Moving on, I was at an event recently and I saw a much bleached woman called Tina who they said was very HAWT in her days as “runs” chic and that got me wondering if Ashewo have an alumni or something
Take for instance – Do you think they will have The Class of 72, Allen Avenue? I mean there would have been some ashis on Allen in those days? Maybe some may go to Italy or retire to their villages but do you think they would still be in touch?
So if they are still in touch what would their discussions sound like? “Hmmm Tina, you remember that time wey we follow that your Nigerian Breweries oyibo go Enugu go scatter ground”.
Funny as it may sound, I think there’s a kind of alumni out there somewhere and the same may also exist for “runs” girls because even in nearby UNILAG, there are hostels populated by “Runs” chics who share same dibias and may continue to stay in touch until His kingdom come.
A friend of mine once said that without the men patronising the ashis,they would have gone extinct but with men out there giving blackberry bold, first class Dubai tickets, LV Bags or paying outright cash, there would always be Ashewos. Did you know that prostitution is one of the oldest profession ever recorded in the Human history?
While I am not pushing for a relationship where a man will do nothing for a lady, we have to agree that a relationship is totally different from patronizing a prostitute.
If you’ve read this article to this length and didn’t pick out anything useful, then the Indomie I was served did its work.
However, I‘ll like you to answer one question…What would be your reaction if your son brings home a lady as the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and you knew the mother as an Ashewo/Runs chic /follow runs chic ..or worse– the lady was one of your runs? What would your reaction be?
Some days ago, two ladies fought on twitter and went about telling their followers and non-followers how they slept with men to get a Blackberry Bold.
Wait did you get that? I mean two ladies, people’s daughters with siblings’ maybe or cousins went on a social network to talk about how they slept with MARRIED men for a communication device with no regards as to who was reading or who could take the message home.
Forget morals …Does prostitution only apply when you stand on the road and wait for a car to pick you, take you to a hotel room (Depending on your class) and bang, bang till it’s over? I don’t think so, if you are having sex with the intention of getting material or financial gratification, you are an ashewo. Kpomkwem .
The game of Ashewo-ism has taken a new dimension; these days you can engage on some below-the-line advertising by using near nude pictures of you as your BBM/Social Network display picture to lure interested men into “pricing”.
In case you are wondering, pricing refers to the that period when she makes you go:
You: Nice DP
Her: Do you like?
You: Yes
Her: You can get it
The discussion continues, a date is set and boom! you’ve smashed her. For some, the demand starts instantly but for others it’s the day after and it’s start with messages like
Her: Hey
You: Why the sad face, what’s the problem?
Her: I just got a message from home.
You: What is the problem?
Her: I don’t want to bother you with my issues.
You: What are friends for? Please tell me
Her: I just got a message from my uncle that my mum needs to undergo a surgery.
You : Oh sorry!
Her : The problem is that they need money from me.
You: How much?
Her : 275k, but you can assist me with ANYTHING
The story goes on and on until you pay for the sex you had with her and depending on how much you paid, you may be smashed over and over.
The truth is that game is gradually leaving the streets and has been christened “Runs“; but unlike the “street standing“ ashis, these “runs” chics go to Dubai and come back with LV bags the same price as their house rent in Okoko.
I don’t have anything against anybody going to Dubai with another person’s husband but let’s call a spade a spade, if you are getting paid for such trips, you are an ashewo and calling yourself a runs chic does not change that fact.
I know some people are going to be mad at me for saying considering that someone may be reading this on an iPad/BB given to her after a long night. Ok I kid! I kid! You deserve it after all it’s not easy trying to stay alive below a pot belly.
Moving on, I was at an event recently and I saw a much bleached woman called Tina who they said was very HAWT in her days as “runs” chic and that got me wondering if Ashewo have an alumni or something
Take for instance – Do you think they will have The Class of 72, Allen Avenue? I mean there would have been some ashis on Allen in those days? Maybe some may go to Italy or retire to their villages but do you think they would still be in touch?
So if they are still in touch what would their discussions sound like? “Hmmm Tina, you remember that time wey we follow that your Nigerian Breweries oyibo go Enugu go scatter ground”.
Funny as it may sound, I think there’s a kind of alumni out there somewhere and the same may also exist for “runs” girls because even in nearby UNILAG, there are hostels populated by “Runs” chics who share same dibias and may continue to stay in touch until His kingdom come.
A friend of mine once said that without the men patronising the ashis,they would have gone extinct but with men out there giving blackberry bold, first class Dubai tickets, LV Bags or paying outright cash, there would always be Ashewos. Did you know that prostitution is one of the oldest profession ever recorded in the Human history?
While I am not pushing for a relationship where a man will do nothing for a lady, we have to agree that a relationship is totally different from patronizing a prostitute.
If you’ve read this article to this length and didn’t pick out anything useful, then the Indomie I was served did its work.
However, I‘ll like you to answer one question…What would be your reaction if your son brings home a lady as the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and you knew the mother as an Ashewo/Runs chic /follow runs chic ..or worse– the lady was one of your runs? What would your reaction be?
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.
Posted by LordHman's Blog
Having A Bad Day
We have a featured writer Today. He's a good friend of mine.. Enjoy.
Have you ever had an extremely bad day, I mean a really bad day. Am talking like when you wake up in the morning, your head is aching so you stand up to see yourself in the mirror and to your surprise you see that you have got a gigantic pimple on your forehead and your remember that you have a presentation.
Hmm mm. you toss back and forth, left and right, you are reluctant but then you check the time and its ten minutes to your presentation, “My gosh what am I going to do”, you think to yourself “ok ok let me get myself together ”, it’s just a bad day right? So you head for the bathroom to take your bath but your towel is not there “what in the world” thinking, thinking, where could I have dropped it “oh never mind there’s no time” I’d bath like that you say? You turn on the shower but it keeps making belches but no water, you run off naked to get one bucket from the kitchen but its empty “shit I forgot to fetch water yesterday” because you were too tired from yesterday’s hangout.
Arghhhh “you shout” gash your teeth and tighten your fists “what is happening to me” you think to yourself but you remember what the pastor says that we should be positive at all times so you check the time but its three minutes to your presentation. You run again to the parlour thinking that you would go without bathing, without brushing and with the big pimple on your face. You keep moving, no matter what, you don’t let anything stop or discourage you, then you get to your wardrobe to take your premeditated shirt for the occasion but it’s squeezed and it’s two minutes to the presentation already “help me God” you pray, then you rush speedily to brush through the shirt with your long unused pressing iron and when it gets hot enough you press it against your cloth and then your phone rings.
Eager to pick the call,curious to know the caller you dash towards the phone but you fall down “OMG I stepped on a rat” you reach for the continuously ringing phone, your hand moving left to right searching for the little noise maker because you are on the floor. finally there’s the phone“hello” you say!...it’s your friend already at the presentation venue “where are you boy we are about to start” he says, you shrug your shoulder and say you are already on your way, After you cut the call “what’s that acrid stench” something is burning “there’s nothing on the fire now” so as you stand up to get to the kitchen the odour pricks your nose further and you sight your favourite dress burning.
“shit I forgot the iron” you run to lift it up but it’s too damn late, the shirt is toast, so you shout at the top of your voice that the neighbours can hear you but everybody is busy because there’s light (there’s hardly light), not to be pessimistic your take a step forward again “one more try” you think! And its five minutes past the time of the presentation so again you reach for another shirt, squeezed but after what just happened you wore it like that, put on your trouser, your wrist watch and shoes and then headed outside, there goes the phone again “hello” it’s your friend again “nigga where in the world are you” but you answer “nearly there please” and cut the phone, you call a bike man and he charges you heaven and earth but you don’t mind “just for today” you think, please hurry, you tell him. The bike man moves swiftly, swerving left and right then all of a sudden stops “what’s the matter” you ask “I am out of fuel” he says. “But, but” you mutter.
Still being optimistic you look forward and see you’re almost at school hmmm you hand him the angrily squeezed 200 naira note and begin to run towards your destination. Two minutes later “finally the gate” but then you remember that you did not collect your change from the bike man, so you turn your head backwards “hmm too late, he’s gone” you take two steps forward and ponder because the bike man had said no fuel “then how did he, oh forget it”, “yep there’s my venue” but then people are gushing out of the venue “oh no” the presentation has ended “after all the stress” sad, tragic but as if that’s not enough your phone vibrates then rings out, all of a sudden the ring tone is annoying “hello” it’s your landlord, your house is on fire. Eyes wide open, legs paralysed, mouth numb, whole body shaking, phone becomes heavy so you drop it.
Then you shout again but this time with the roar of a wounded lion. All the people gushing out of the auditorium including the professors can hear you “this guy has got issues” they think. Indeed. But they have no idea what you have been through. How do I get home? You ask yourself because that was your last money you gave the bike man. After brainstorming for minutes you sit on the floor beside your nokia 2020, the grass pricks you but you don’t mind, mighty soldier ants climb you like an ant hill, but what more do you have to lose. Then one ant climbs your face and bites you and then you wake up……………sweating profusely
“IT WAS A BAD DREAM”
NOT A BAD DAY
THANK GOD
By. JONERO MENSCH
Have you ever had an extremely bad day, I mean a really bad day. Am talking like when you wake up in the morning, your head is aching so you stand up to see yourself in the mirror and to your surprise you see that you have got a gigantic pimple on your forehead and your remember that you have a presentation.
Hmm mm. you toss back and forth, left and right, you are reluctant but then you check the time and its ten minutes to your presentation, “My gosh what am I going to do”, you think to yourself “ok ok let me get myself together ”, it’s just a bad day right? So you head for the bathroom to take your bath but your towel is not there “what in the world” thinking, thinking, where could I have dropped it “oh never mind there’s no time” I’d bath like that you say? You turn on the shower but it keeps making belches but no water, you run off naked to get one bucket from the kitchen but its empty “shit I forgot to fetch water yesterday” because you were too tired from yesterday’s hangout.
Arghhhh “you shout” gash your teeth and tighten your fists “what is happening to me” you think to yourself but you remember what the pastor says that we should be positive at all times so you check the time but its three minutes to your presentation. You run again to the parlour thinking that you would go without bathing, without brushing and with the big pimple on your face. You keep moving, no matter what, you don’t let anything stop or discourage you, then you get to your wardrobe to take your premeditated shirt for the occasion but it’s squeezed and it’s two minutes to the presentation already “help me God” you pray, then you rush speedily to brush through the shirt with your long unused pressing iron and when it gets hot enough you press it against your cloth and then your phone rings.
Eager to pick the call,curious to know the caller you dash towards the phone but you fall down “OMG I stepped on a rat” you reach for the continuously ringing phone, your hand moving left to right searching for the little noise maker because you are on the floor. finally there’s the phone“hello” you say!...it’s your friend already at the presentation venue “where are you boy we are about to start” he says, you shrug your shoulder and say you are already on your way, After you cut the call “what’s that acrid stench” something is burning “there’s nothing on the fire now” so as you stand up to get to the kitchen the odour pricks your nose further and you sight your favourite dress burning.
“shit I forgot the iron” you run to lift it up but it’s too damn late, the shirt is toast, so you shout at the top of your voice that the neighbours can hear you but everybody is busy because there’s light (there’s hardly light), not to be pessimistic your take a step forward again “one more try” you think! And its five minutes past the time of the presentation so again you reach for another shirt, squeezed but after what just happened you wore it like that, put on your trouser, your wrist watch and shoes and then headed outside, there goes the phone again “hello” it’s your friend again “nigga where in the world are you” but you answer “nearly there please” and cut the phone, you call a bike man and he charges you heaven and earth but you don’t mind “just for today” you think, please hurry, you tell him. The bike man moves swiftly, swerving left and right then all of a sudden stops “what’s the matter” you ask “I am out of fuel” he says. “But, but” you mutter.
Still being optimistic you look forward and see you’re almost at school hmmm you hand him the angrily squeezed 200 naira note and begin to run towards your destination. Two minutes later “finally the gate” but then you remember that you did not collect your change from the bike man, so you turn your head backwards “hmm too late, he’s gone” you take two steps forward and ponder because the bike man had said no fuel “then how did he, oh forget it”, “yep there’s my venue” but then people are gushing out of the venue “oh no” the presentation has ended “after all the stress” sad, tragic but as if that’s not enough your phone vibrates then rings out, all of a sudden the ring tone is annoying “hello” it’s your landlord, your house is on fire. Eyes wide open, legs paralysed, mouth numb, whole body shaking, phone becomes heavy so you drop it.
Then you shout again but this time with the roar of a wounded lion. All the people gushing out of the auditorium including the professors can hear you “this guy has got issues” they think. Indeed. But they have no idea what you have been through. How do I get home? You ask yourself because that was your last money you gave the bike man. After brainstorming for minutes you sit on the floor beside your nokia 2020, the grass pricks you but you don’t mind, mighty soldier ants climb you like an ant hill, but what more do you have to lose. Then one ant climbs your face and bites you and then you wake up……………sweating profusely
“IT WAS A BAD DREAM”
NOT A BAD DAY
THANK GOD
By. JONERO MENSCH
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Posted by LordHman's Blog
When is The Right Time To Commit Suicide?
I need help …
I need to understand
I need an explanation
I seriously do not understand the process people go through before they decide to take their own life.
I’ve been through a lot, but what’s the real definition of “ bad’? Life has not been all rosy for me. If you put together the number of girls that have turned me down, they would make up a Local Government Area.
I’ve written and failed enough aptitude tests that my answer scripts all put together could be developed into a text book titled “How not to answer test questions for dummies”. At different points I’ve been so broke that I thought that MTN was the best thing after sliced bread for introducing the service that allows subscribers with no units to text people saying “Call me, I love you” but that was until one driver sent it to his female boss. (Yes, it was his last day)
You’ll agree with me that I’ve been through a lot but I’ve never once considered suicide.
How? Maka why? God forbid. So after my suicide, my brother will be rocking my Rock & Republic jeans any how and the people owing me money will never come out to pay my family? People who never really knew you will go to town with different versions of the story.
“His girlfriend was sleeping with his best friend and killed himself after finding out”
while some will say,
“ They denied him Visa to the US because of his beard and he killed himself”
Whatever the case,I, Hendrix "Oluwa(lord)Hman" Nwaokolo, will never contemplate suicide.
As Nigerians, we always thought none of us would ever consider suicide bombing. That was until the morning of December 25th, 2009. Everything we thought we knew about Nigerians changed. Farouk Abdulmultallab, with a promise of 72 (or what’s the right figure?) virgins decided to plant a bomb in his pants to make heaven without thinking that he would require his penis manhood for his Virgins. What’s the use of 72 virgins without your penis manhood? Will he use the virgins as decorations or was he also promised brand new virgin penis manhood in heaven? I still think that if you must commit suicide, kill yourself and leave innocent people. But then again, do you really have the right to take your life?
We all agree that life isn’t easy but nobody said it was going to be! Neither did anyone ever say taking ones life would make life easier for the living. If there’s nothing new under the sun then somebody must have passed through the same thing you may be going through at the moment.
Marriages will always break up; people will always lose their jobs on daily basis and loved ones will always disappoint us. But only the weak will allow such temporary situations weigh them down. Yes, we cannot shape the past but we have the power to change what’s left of our future. Troubles will always come but it’s left for you to push for air or drown. Pulling the trigger on oneself has not been known to have solved any problem.
On Easter Sunday 2004, a certain young man committed suicide because he was deported to Nigeria from overseas. This late young man was sent overseas with money contributed by family and friends. He got there, married a white lady in order to get a green card. But he was cheating on her. When she found out she reported him to law enforcement authorities and because of incomplete documentation he was deported.
On getting back to his motherland- Nigeria, he concluded that he couldn’t cope and took his own life leaving his family and loved ones behind. His death inspired his friend Sound Sultan to write one of his best songs “Motherland”
His death may have inspired a song but hey, that did not stop deportation.
The choice is entirely yours but remember SUICIDE solves nothing.
“Do not be a fool–why die before your time?” says the Good Book.
I need to understand
I need an explanation
I seriously do not understand the process people go through before they decide to take their own life.
I’ve been through a lot, but what’s the real definition of “ bad’? Life has not been all rosy for me. If you put together the number of girls that have turned me down, they would make up a Local Government Area.
I’ve written and failed enough aptitude tests that my answer scripts all put together could be developed into a text book titled “How not to answer test questions for dummies”. At different points I’ve been so broke that I thought that MTN was the best thing after sliced bread for introducing the service that allows subscribers with no units to text people saying “Call me, I love you” but that was until one driver sent it to his female boss. (Yes, it was his last day)
You’ll agree with me that I’ve been through a lot but I’ve never once considered suicide.
How? Maka why? God forbid. So after my suicide, my brother will be rocking my Rock & Republic jeans any how and the people owing me money will never come out to pay my family? People who never really knew you will go to town with different versions of the story.
“His girlfriend was sleeping with his best friend and killed himself after finding out”
while some will say,
“ They denied him Visa to the US because of his beard and he killed himself”
Whatever the case,I, Hendrix "Oluwa(lord)Hman" Nwaokolo, will never contemplate suicide.
As Nigerians, we always thought none of us would ever consider suicide bombing. That was until the morning of December 25th, 2009. Everything we thought we knew about Nigerians changed. Farouk Abdulmultallab, with a promise of 72 (or what’s the right figure?) virgins decided to plant a bomb in his pants to make heaven without thinking that he would require his penis manhood for his Virgins. What’s the use of 72 virgins without your penis manhood? Will he use the virgins as decorations or was he also promised brand new virgin penis manhood in heaven? I still think that if you must commit suicide, kill yourself and leave innocent people. But then again, do you really have the right to take your life?
We all agree that life isn’t easy but nobody said it was going to be! Neither did anyone ever say taking ones life would make life easier for the living. If there’s nothing new under the sun then somebody must have passed through the same thing you may be going through at the moment.
Marriages will always break up; people will always lose their jobs on daily basis and loved ones will always disappoint us. But only the weak will allow such temporary situations weigh them down. Yes, we cannot shape the past but we have the power to change what’s left of our future. Troubles will always come but it’s left for you to push for air or drown. Pulling the trigger on oneself has not been known to have solved any problem.
On Easter Sunday 2004, a certain young man committed suicide because he was deported to Nigeria from overseas. This late young man was sent overseas with money contributed by family and friends. He got there, married a white lady in order to get a green card. But he was cheating on her. When she found out she reported him to law enforcement authorities and because of incomplete documentation he was deported.
On getting back to his motherland- Nigeria, he concluded that he couldn’t cope and took his own life leaving his family and loved ones behind. His death inspired his friend Sound Sultan to write one of his best songs “Motherland”
His death may have inspired a song but hey, that did not stop deportation.
The choice is entirely yours but remember SUICIDE solves nothing.
“Do not be a fool–why die before your time?” says the Good Book.
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Posted by LordHman's Blog
