Erm, this is supposed to serve as an introduction to my personal lifestyle and necessarily won't be entirely based on event from lasuth only as the title states.

Before we continue with the introduction, I’d like you to note certain things referred to as rules as long as Memoirs from Lasuth is concerned.

1. This is MY online diary and as a result I don’t really give a fuck care about your opinion.

2. I’ll be posting every Sunday or monday and may not have time to edit properly but because you would like to “Gbagun” I’ll provide you with a big ass bell for use.

3. This is not the news or the Anglican Church , so don’t come here to preach to me.

4. Names of some of the people involved in the memoir may be changed to save anything they may have as dignity.

5. If I say something about you that you don’t like.. .Start your own blog …It’s free
.
6. Don’t walk up to me in public and say “you wrote about me” . I promise you a head butt and my head is not small.

7. Majority of my post would be on keles , Midnight wakas, party, BBM and my life is not that interesting so about 70% of what I will write might be fictions too.

8. Yes I know what memoir is...... Didn't you read the previous rules?

9. Sometimes, It may appear like I’m talking about you but until I mention your name, STFU and Terry G me!

10. We’ll make more rules as we go on.

Enjoy

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : Lasuth, Memoir, Randomz

To My Best Pal On His Birthday | BADARU OLUWATOBI

I’m not even sure where to begin this really.

Can I start off by saying that you are fuckin’ amazing?
Because you are.

Not many times in a lifetime comes a special person who changes your way of thinking, your perspective…your life.

They bring in a special spice, a variety to your existence
They make you glad of your uniqueness; they occupy a special place in your heart and never really leave

They’re your friend, your confidante, your family
They’re there for you through thick and thin and just love you unconditionally.

They see grace, skill and genius in your "stupid-est" accomplishment

They see the best in you and as a result make you see the best in yourself.

Yeah we have fights, but that's what friends do; fight and then make up.

If you have a friend that does not tell you the truth, they are not real.

Being "REAL" is very important. If you have a good friend, cherish that person/people. Friends are a gift from God..

How does one define friendship??

I think the simple definition is when people know all about you, but like you anyway. I think you need friends as much as you need your food. I don't mean fake friends.

REAL FRIENDS..

I remember back in the days when i used to think that it was fine being alone. I felt that i could take on everything by myself & i convinced myself that i was fine being alone.

Without friends.

Not that i did not want friends but i did not know who to trust. You get me?

It made me feel sad. I later realised that by sharing some of my burdens & anger with real friends, i feel way much better. I know that my problem have not been solved but it just made me feel better inside.

The person you become is as a result of the people you’ve met or failed to meet.

I think that every friend serves a purpose in my life.
They stand up for you when you’re tired of doing it for yourself.

They keep you in check when you’re getting out of line,

They’re that person you never regret meeting cos they make your life richer just by being in it.
You’re that person to me Badaru Oluwatobi my bestest pal.

I hope every wish you ever made comes true

I hope you find everything you’re looking for

I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you whether you ask me to or not

I want you to know that I’ll never betray you, your confidence or your trust

I want you to know that you’ll be a friend in my heart for always

Here’s to a 100 more years of friendship:

Posted from WordPress for Android

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : Badaru Oluwatobi, Best Friend, Birthday, Gallery, In other news, Randomz

First Time With An Ash***| My Confession

Yes, I slept with an Ashawo and I paid with MY money. I’m so sorry if you’re disappointed in me but it was not totally my fault.

It was raining and I was driving through Ijede road(ikorodu lagos) listening to Jamie Fox’s “Blame it” when I saw her standing under the rain. If you were in my shoes what would you have done? Leave another Nigerian in the rain?

Have you not read the story of the Good Samaritan?

I picked her and took her home but after that night, my conscience wouldn’t let me be and it was my first time (Conscience calls out, "Hendrix?!?") Okay maybe my second time but it was just two times and my conscience wouldn’t just free me whereas there are people reading this note with their ashawo on speed dial.

Talking about my conscience, a lot has been going on in my head of recent and they are driving me crazy.

Seriously, I think am going mad. I’m not about to catch trips on mad people but these days thoughts and images fly around in my head and I’ve started wondering if that’s what qualifies someone as mad? If you are reading this and you’ve been mad before, please pardon me.

At what point do you remove your cloth? Which comes first, moving out of the house and moving into the bus stop or running after cars?

I’m sure the random thoughts come first and that means I may just be at the first stage….Chai, Chineke biko!

Seriously speaking, I don’t want to go mad and I need your prayers. People, forgive me for what I’ve done but pray for me so that these thoughts can leave my head.

Now back to the issue at hand, recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and this started after my first second night with an Ashawo .

She is what our modern girls call “Runs” but while it appears to be an insult to refer to someone as an Ashawo, it’s fashionably correct to refer to someone as a “Runs girl” . *SMH*

Back in the good ol’ days, when Ashawo work used to be the pride of some states. (Namely….) The day you decide to do ashawo work is the same day that you move into a brothel.

Most brothels were designed in a “Face me, I face you” style with about 10 rooms on both sides facing each other. Each room consists of a small window, covered by a red curtain, a slim door with a red curtain, 3 nails on the wall, bright blue or red bulb (that’s why they are called Ashawo bulbs) and a mat or wooden bed depending on the location of the brothel.

Ashawo joints were known and they were sincere with their chosen career. They didn’t drive cars but they could afford small stout and cigarette.

Unlike those days, modern day ashawos operate from different places and in different ways.

Some operate from our higher institutions (with or without admission letters), some have their pictures in different hotels over the world, some stand by the roadside, some operate from their father's houses, some serve as nannies during the day and “Runs chics” at night, some work in hair dressing salons during the day, some do only “Home service”…

The list is endless but while Ashawo’s are sincere, Runs Chics are not but seriously whether you refer to yourself as an Ashawo or Runs chic, “Ashawo work na Ashawo no matter what you drive” ask M.I.

However my thoughts has got noffing to do with where they operate from or what they do during the day, I only want you to tell me why my head keeps wondering about them:

Random thought 1
How come Ashawos’ don’t get nominated for National Honours even though some of them are known to have serviced sitting presidents and the likes? Are they not being cheated? Service is service period and once you’ve served you should be recognised. I think a commission should be set up to fight for this right and in next couple of years we should be seeing National Honours like Ms Cynthia George, AFRN (Ashawo Federal Republic of Nigeria).

Random thought 2
If an Ashawo is filling out a UK Visa entry form or any form at all, when she gets to that part that says; “State your source of income ?” What will she write? My body? Is that not being sincere? Should she not be given Visa for being real?

Random thought 3
What should be the basis on which to retire from this job? Age? Experience? Years in active practise? Considering the fact that some people do it while still in school shouldn’t that be added to their years of experience while applying for jobs that requires 3 or 4 years of experience or there about?

Random thought 4
Why can’t government regulate their fees? I mean it’s the same thing na. I think it should be same price across board. How come it’s more expensive on the Island than the Mainland? I mean that’s what’s obtainable in the case of Lagos state?

Random thought 5
Don’t you think that it would be better to relocate all of them to one community and a BRT bus attached to the community? That way we won’t have people doing it from schools and the likes.

Random thought 6
Since they operate in cities and make use of the amenities shouldn’t they be paying taxes? Somebody receives his salary, gives it to an Ashawo who don’t even submit a PO? Is that not cheating? Don’t you think somebody is cheating somebody and if somebody does not speak up then somebody will keep cheating somebody. If you pay, hold back your tax, jor.

Random thought 7
Don’t you think all Ashawos should have an ID card representing their zones? I think Okada people are not allowed to operate in certain areas without paying a particular fee; should that not apply to Ashawo work? Do you know how many Nigerian girls go to Dubai to work? Should they not go and identify themselves on entering the country like “Hello, my name na Peace, I follow man come. How much be una international fee for here”? The ID card will make people sleep better sef. If you sleep with an Ashhi and she audi with your money, all you need to do is go to her zone office and report her.

Random thought 8
Should one trust and use the condom provided by the Ashawo ?

And final Random thought.
….We’re all aware that Christ died in-between the two thieves but how come Nigerian girls want to suffocate him the second time by placing the crucifix in-between two large sagging boobs?

It’s just my thoughts, and for all you perverts, I only slept with an Ashhi in .my head but then if you can think it then you’ve done it, abi?

Let me have your thoughts…and remember AIDS IS REAL!!!!!

Posted from WordPress for Android

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Posted by LordHman's Blog

23 Comments

Tag : Funny, Narrative Fiction, Randomz, Status, Stories

I Am Now Convinced That I Am Going To Die Single.

I am now convinced that I am going to die single.

Growing up, I had been tutored to have high demands when it came to women. I was encouraged not to ‘settle’. So, as early as JSS3, I had made up my list of requirements. Whoever would be my main squeeze had to have the following exact characteristics:

1) Pretty face. Females who were ogres in their former lives were advised to stay far. Very far.

2) Hot figure. Something of a mix between Eva Longoria and Beyonce.

3) Height. Pygmies not welcome.

4) Fair complexion. This particular idiosyncrasy was handed down from Dad: you should see my mother.

5) Who doesn't want for himself some mammary?

But you see, dear readers, I met her during my first year of university. She had all but number 4. Her chocolate complexion was exquisite. I fell in lust instantly..... she dumped me after I farted in bed.(T'wld have been better if she had dumped me cos of this reason)

Anyway, I had then realised that I could date dark chicks. Awesome. Then I met another her(maybe we'll just call her "her2) who kind of looked like a bimbo. However, she was missing numbers 3 and 4.

Our relationship went down the drain after she caught me ogling at her mother. What? Don’t judge. The woman had all 5! But she also had her blasted husband’s stupid wedding ring. Aaaaargh…(another worse case senerio I wld have agreed to be dumped for)

It all went downhill from there. Her3, while of average height, was shaped like a pedestrian bridge: straight and narrow.

Her4(you should get it from this point) made me rethink item 5. She put the ‘2’ in too much. The Jews could have hidden from Hitler’s Nazis in her cleavage!

Recently, I finally let go of my precepts. I made but one new rule: conversation. I wanted a woman I could talk to. All my friends lauded the new and improved me. I had indeed matured, they all said.

And so I happened upon Her5. She was a colleague at school. And – you guessed it – she had all five. Plus, she was single. How ironic that I should meet the girl of my dreams AFTER I’d contrived to trash those prerequisite.

I’d only seen her a few times when she came to our faculty and… my oh my: she was stunning! First she was half caste, and then her figure was to die for. On top of that, she was at least 5feet 10inches.

I once snuck a peek while she was talking to a friend of mine (another colleague). I couldn’t make out what she was saying from where I stood but I figured she must be a pretty powerful orator because Clinton clearly had tears in his eyes. Amazing! What could make such a macho man cry? If my curiosity was piqued before,

I was nearing obsession by now. It seemed my search was finally over. I couldn’t wait to meet Her and have terrific conversations with this intelligent, hot girl.

My chance came soon enough.

One day, I spotted her at an eatery my colleagues and I frequented during lunch breaks. I was about to order when our eyes clashed. I ignored the attendant and walked over to where she sat.

“Hi”, I started, “my name is Chris and I’ve been dying to meet you.” By the time she was done replying, I was weeping like Clinton. She said:

“Hello Chris. I’m Ingrid. Let me start by apologising. I have a birth defect which accounts for my incurable, tear inducing halitosis…” I wiped my face without bothering to hear more and trudged back to the counter.

See why I wrote the first line?

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using MTN NIGERIA.

Saturday, 4 May 2013

Posted by LordHman's Blog

2 Comments

Tag : fiction, Narrative, Randomz, Single, Stories

Thanks For The Birthday Wishes

To those that wrote on my Facebook wall, (about 300+)

2days ago was my birthday. Yeah!

But unlike when I turned 18 (old enough to bet the ponies) or when I turned 20 (duh), I don't really care. And like many of us on our *special days*, I got a lot of love on facebook: from old friends, family members, professional contacts—that random guy whose friend request I accepted while drunk and who now invites me to "one event on london" almost every weekend. It's actually quite touching, and I totally appreciate it. But also: a puzzle. How do you properly acknowledge all of this good will? Unless you have like 4 friends, answering each post is a losing proposition.

But thank God for Blogs, I'm going to answer those questions that I randomly checked out here......

So, To all of those who asked “So… how does it feel to be 21?”, the answer is the exact same as it does to be 20.

Believe it or not, not a lot changed instantly the day my birthday hit. Really, the only birthday you can say feels way different is the actual day you were born. Suddenly you are in a world void of amniotic fluid.

If newborn babies could talk, they would probably say, “What was all that pushing about? Can I go back in now?”

To anyone who said “Happy birthday,/HBD” thanks for the thought I guess. It’s nice to know that you want me to have one day out of the year that is happy. That’s almost 0.3% of my year being filled with joy. I guess it would be weird, though, if people just walked up to me the other 364 and said “Happy day.” There is no doubt in my mind that I would feel very uncomfortable.

To everyone who sang me a song, hahaha Thanks. And if you still planning to sing me one..... Unless that song is a brand new birthday composition set to the tune of “Mr. Tambourine Man,” I have heard it.

In fact, I have had this song directed at me at least 25 times already and, seeing as how three of the four lines of the song are THE EXACT SAME THING, I think I’ve gotten the message.

So, If someone really wanted to throw me, they would change a line in the song to something unrelated: “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, My socks are a cotton polyester blend, happy birthday to you.” I would spend the rest of my birthday thinking about your socks and wondering how well they hold up.

To the people who stressed on “And many mooooooooooore…” to the end of that Happy Birthday song, just know I hate you. For every second you hold out “moooooooooore,” my hate grew exponentially. Once again, though, you could just change it and I would have no complaints: “Good job not dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!”

To those who bought me a present, it is exactly what I wanted. It is perfect. It fits perfect. You did a great job.

That guy, that was bold enough to enter the banking hall and paid N20. into my account..... Loool God bless you!

That lovely Girl that paid for my BIS *kisses*

How will I forget the Coke!! Thanks.... I needed it after that conc exam.

Then Dr. Enahowo for the table water. I almost passed out after that stipple chase exam.. But If you are reading this, you can like to give me an 'A' in that Neuro-Anatomy + Head and Neck Exam.

Also, (Mina, tiffany, Brittany.....) that card you picked out was very funny and/or touching. I laughed/cried. To those whose present was a gift card, good call. There’s nothing that says “Happy Birthday” like a $10 credit to Old Navy.

To those that wrote on my Facebook wall, (about 300+) just know I probably will not see it for at least a week as I tend to forget Facebook exists. This is not a personal slight against you as I replied already to some. But you all were far too kind. I'll still try to reply to more though.

To my BBM family!! I love you guys!
Those that used me as D.P through out the day (Itimi, MJ, Grace, ruki,.....)

half of the day,( Ebode :-) )
Quarter of the day,
1Hour, 30min, 10min you guys were lovely!

To those that didn't....(Mamuzo, Eben, Obi, Jackie, ND, Sara....and abt 20 others) *no Comment*

Those that said "HBD" on their PMs thanks you guys are the bomb.

Inevitably, I got massages about aging. “You’re getting old,” they said. Of course, this is true. I am. In fact, so is everyone. We are all simultaneously getting old. That’s how time works. Imagine how weird it would be if someone wasn’t getting old.

To these people, I say, “No, I’m not. I’m immortal! Long after you are gone and buried, I will still be here!” There is no good response to that, so that will squash that conversation almost immediately.

So! Last but not least, special thank you to my Classmates you guys really surprised me people I never talked to since 100level wishing me a happy birthday and then the gifts. Plus how can I forget you that let me spy from ur work when my head became blank (I dunno if you allowed me spy cos it was my birth day or if you would have allowed me spy any other day.

Obviously, I am not a computer to remember all the names of people that were in particular kind to me on my birthday so.............

To those that I forgot to mention there names here......people that wished me on twitter (@onyix_ @sweetexcynn @delsuinfo)those that remembered but forgot to wish me....... And to those that forgot totally(well)......

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : Randomz

RANT | Girls, women, Females...Whatever your problems are!

It’s so infuriating the way most girls think.

They say they are not the weaker vessels, that they are equal to the average man, but then they go around to expect men to open the door for them and wait for them to enter the room before we can, before they can call him the so-called ‘perfect gentleman’.

They go around waiting for the guy to ask them out when THEY like him. They go around playing their feminine charm and if it doesn’t work, they say the guy is insensitive.

They fight for woman rights and all of that unnecessary crap; I feel it’s because they are totally insecure and cannot hold their own and can only find the opposite sex to put the blame on.

This is only because the animals of lesser importance are scary, cute or irritating. Man takes all the blame. I don’t blame them; they have nothing else to do.

They try to hide behind cooking cleaning, child rearing and all that shit that not much people care about. Hell, some are even getting high end jobs, the nerve of those women. They leave the child rearing to others like them who then inflict our children with the pains of child abuse or the evil of witchcraft. And they say we don’t appreciate the fact that “we are trying to add to the money you bring home”.

And then they come home at night and tell us they are too tired to attend to their marital responsibilities and when their men find others of their specie to satisfy them, they cry their hearts out telling them that they “loved you, how could you do this to me?”. Like we told them to go to work and come back home tired, like they didn’t say at the altar to love and to cherish.

And then what’s this thing about them expecting guys to read their freaking minds. It’s so disgusting when they say, “I expected you to…” and then u are like “why didn’t you say it?” and then they would be like (while rough-necking and playing with their annoying fingers that won’t stay still), “a natural person in their right mind…” My left foot!

You can’t begin to imagine the amount of time men would be about to slap into the abyss the freckled face of those annoying… And then they’ll say stuff like you can’t or won’t or don’t understand.

I can tell you without bias that every word stated here is as real as the hair on your scalp [i mean if u actually have your natural strands on! i don’t mean the Brazilians or Peruvians!]…a piece of advice, ladies why don’t you simply cut your hair according to your pocket! It’s simply annoying that every female species can’t seem to feel normal or straight without starving just to afford the almighty weave! For Christ’s sake it’s the remains of another dead woman in a suburban country!

Wake up and smell the coffee… to think another woman who can’t afford a mold of bread in a public Mexican market decides to sell a part of her hair to feed, should make you sit and ask yourself… What do i have on or in me that’s valuable? The response we all know is ‘nothing”.

It’s not always about the physical. Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! When was the last time you sat by yourself and tried applying some make up on your attitudes, disposition and mindset! It’s not always about the ‘victoria secret’… because she’s definitely keeping the truth from you.

Not about the “Mary Kay’… Are you sure you’d rather hide behind another feminine image rather than just be real and clean! And then you make the brothers go through hell trying to please you so you can afford a whole stack of make-up set! I think you should have a handy stack of the scriptures because it’s got all the prescriptions for your confusions.

Bottom line, Work on the attitude and leave them brothers alone… They have their lives to live and you have yours so… Buzz off.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using MTN NIGERIA.

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : Girls, Problem, Randomz, Rant

When Trust is too much to ask for in a Relationship

Modern cosmopolitan dating is one confusing trip to be on.

So, it’s no surprise why most people are opting to remain single, not necessarily by choice, but by a subconscious inability to put up with the socio-emotional shortcomings of cosmopolitan dating.

Recently, I’ve tried to drive through the boulevards(is that a word) of the female psyche to decipher some of the reasons why the bridge of emotional disconnect is getting wider by the minute, yet getting more and more battered by the motorists (or more aptly, lovers) who use and abuse that bridge.

When you’re dating, is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to spend the night with an ex boyfriend? Is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to lie to you about her whereabouts if as she claims, she’s up to no tricks.....at all?

Let me paint you a picture. I have been dating this girl for a while now(say..6months). We love each other, but recently that love is up for eviction. I was recently put in an awkward position by my girlfriend, Lu.

Like I said, we’ve been dating for about 6 months and are thinking of taking things a lot more seriously – now the issue we must confront is one of trust.

My girlfriend, Lu, leaves my apartment one afternoon at about 1:30 pm, informing me that she’s going to meet up with her “ex-lover” Jacob, to formally let him know that she had moved on, and was no longer interested in whatever they had in the past – to break up with him – let him down softly so to speak,

So i say “it’s okay, go for the meeting, but please be safe, and come back home on time”.
But then it’s nightfall already, about 8:30pm, Lu still hasn’t called or come home, so i call her, “hey babe, are you okay?”, and she responds, “yes I’m fine, I’m in the car with Jacob now, he’s dropping me off at jenny’s place”,

Jenny! I ponder for a bit, asking, “I thought you were gonna come home after meeting him, why the sudden need to go to jenny’s place – is she alright?”, and my girlfriend says, “she’s not feeling too fine, she called several times, so Jacob is just going to drop me off at her place, depending on how bad she’s feeling, I might spend the night at her place”,

Feeling for jenny, I say “it’s okay, but let me know how she’s feeling when you see her – give her my best regards, please”.

An hour later, i call her again, and say “hey, how’s jenny doing”, and my girlfriend says, “oh, I’m still with Jacob, we’re eating, afterwards, he’d drop me at jenny’s place”

Becoming suspicious, i say, “don’t you think it’s getting late already – I’m not comfortable with you hanging out with this dude late into the night, it’s almost 9:30pm and you’ve been with him since 1pm – anyway, just assure me you’re telling me the truth that there’s nothing amiss here”,

She gets all warm and fuzzy, “oh no, everything’s fine – he’s gonna drop me off at jenny’s place immediately after this meal, okay, you have nothing to worry about” then i retort, “so, you’re assuring me that you’re not spending the night out with this guy”, and she says, “I promise, dear, I can’t do such a thing to you”, i conclude the call by saying, “please call me as soon as you get to jenny’s place”.

But suspecting that she might give the same cliché excuse most unfaithful women use in their defense, “I wanted to call, but there was no airtime on my phone” – i transferred some airtime to her phone, just to cover all tracks. After exactly one hour – 10: 30pm now, i try to call her but she’s not picking – after a few rings, i gave up. 30 minutes later, he calls again, and she picks up, and launches into “oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t with my phone”,

so the now suspicious boyfriend asks “where are you?”, and she responds, “I’m at jenny’s place”.

So the guy says, “oh good. How is she feeling, please give her the phone, I’d like to say ‘get-well-soon’”, and the girlfriend says, “oh,I’m downstairs, jenny is upstairs, I’ll give her the phone when I go upstairs” and the guy pauses for a minute, before he adds, “is Jacob still there with you?”, and she admits, “yes”, the guy continues, “and he’s the reason you refused to pick my call – you know what, send me jenny’s number, I’ll call her myself”.

understanding that she’s been caught in a lie, but still trying to defend her immoral honour, “jay, don’t worry, I was just in the car with Jacob, he’s leaving soon” – the boyfriend seeing the lie clearly now, “you’ve been lying all this while,just admit you’re not at jenny’s place, and that you are spending the night with Jacob, at least, I’d know you’re not calling me stupid by wanting me to believe you’re not doing exactly what both you and I know you’re doing”

The truth unfolds, and she says, “jay, I’m sorry, I’m actually at Jacob’s but I’m not gonna screw him, trust me…I need this, please”

However, conversely, is it too much to ask your boyfriend to trust you while you spend the night in your ex-boyfriend’s house? In princesses defense, as she claims, Jacob isn’t actually an ex-boyfriend, but rather a friend with whom she occasionally had sex with. But in jay’s defense, he feels this Jacob guy has been described as a randy, horny toad that gets a boner each time an attractive female’s in sight.

So, the facts are: Princess told Jay that she was going to meet Jacob for a chat. princess changed her mind along the line and decided to spend the night at Jacob’s place. princess not wanting Jay to worry tells him a lie, saying she was going to crash at her girlfriend’s place. jay discovered the charade, and princess comes clean about her intention to spend the night at jacob’s place.

Now, princess wants jay to trust her, and believe that she didn’t screw Jacob that night.

The ultimate question is: is it too much for your girlfriend to ask for this sort of trust? And what would it take a boyfriend to give her that trust?

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using MTN NIGERIA.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : Randomz

I have stopped going to Silverbird Cinemas and the E-Center. Why? Because I have no intention of being paraded on ‘Crime-fighters’ and spending the rest of my life in Kiri-Kiri maximum prison for voluntary manslaughter or something worse! There is something fundamentally wrong with the psyche of the children of this generation. While I have not really sat down to analyse the situation, I am hoping this particular rant of mine will evoke some responses from you guys and maybe solve this dilemma that is presently bothering me.

Have you noticed the horde of ‘juveniles’ who throng the fun spots day in, day out-punching the holy crap out of their blackberry,(ask me what a 14 year old is doing with one, abeg?) chattering away in affected accents, gesticulating like gay lords (which I suspect most of them will grow up to be) and drama queens (which some of them already are) and generally making a right nuisance of themselves.

I remember being in Silverbird one afternoon for something I can’t remember right now… I was walking on the corridor on the first floor when these two little punks stepped out of a shop and began walking towards me. Now, my dear parents taught me to always give my elders the right of way whenever the need arose but I don’t think the parents of these little pricks ever read that script. They kept on walking and one of them had the balls (probably hairless, if you’ll forgive the pun) to bump shoulders with me.

I looked back at him in indignation and was thoroughly irritated to see the punks mean-mugging me back. They whispered something to each other and sniggered away, which strengthened my resolve to revenge their lack of discretion. I stalked them, circling round the floor until I came face to face with them again. The little punk who bumped into me was speaking into his cell phone when he looked up and saw me. He probably saw the sadistic glint in my eye and made to hang up the phone but it was too late… I closed the gap between us and ground the heel of my shoe into his big toe, twisting it as I lovingly sought to cause him as much grief as I could in as short a time as possible.

The little punk opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He dropped his phone (pretty expensive looking, I might add) on the floor and clutched his foot in mortal agony. His ‘friend’ weighed the situation and came to the sharp conclusion that I had over 40kg over him and nearly two feet in height and his chances of coming out in a state close to being alive if I had cause to engage in physical combat with him were as slim as Yakubu Aiyegbeni ever winning the World Footballer of the Year award and so he dropped beside his friend and offered what little succour he could while I whistled a jaunty tune and walked away, pleased as a State Governor when the Federal Government releases the monthly revenue allocation.

For some reason, I suspect the quality of audio-visual content these children are made to watch is partly the reason for their literal retardation. The quality of children’s programmes has dropped significantly ever since ‘Voltron’ was yanked off the air. Nowadays, kids have to make do with brain-damaging cartoons like ‘Ben 10’ and ‘Tele-tubbies’. I shudder to think of what I might have been if I was forced to grow up on these!

Here's another instance.

I was at a family function when one little punk (what is the female word?) of a cousin walked up to me. The last time I checked, I was older than the Paris Hilton wanna-be by at least 12 years, but it didn’t stop her from trying enthusiastically to spoil my day. Decked in a traditional outfit that her father must have physically forced her into wearing, lest she turned up for the party looking like a 2nd year prostitute, she was a study in teenage insanity as she flopped into an empty seat beside me without asking for permission first, chewing gum loudly and clutching a high-end Blackberry. I scowled deeply in the vain hope that she would get the message and go bother some other unlucky relative but she obviously didn’t get the message.

'‘Oh dahleeeeeng!'’ She crowed, sounding like a cross between a dying vulture and a Nigerian On-Air personality, ‘eets been aygeeees seence eye saw yoouuuu!’ (I translated that last sentence just the way she said it. But seeing how much torture she inflicted on me with that sentence, I will refrain from subjecting you to the same treatment.) I instantly went into ‘brain-dead’ mode and was blissfully unaware of whatever she might have said in the three minutes or so that she elected to torment my existence. I vaguely remember grunting absently after every third sentence she uttered until she got bored with me and picked some unlucky victim to excruciate.

Another IQ booster for me is the concept of caning… I think caning does a lot to improve a child’s reasoning power! I’ll give you the gist in the sequel… Stay tuuned!! ( •̃͡-̮•̃͡)

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : Cinemas, Flogging, In other news, Kids, Randomz

My Sugar Mummy and I: The Envelope [pt 2}

I was at home that night, thinking of how great the day was and then I remembered the envelope Mrs. Y gave me. As I turned to reach out for my trousers, my phone rang and it was Teni
“ How are you handsome, So are you thinking of me? ”
“ I am ” (I had to lie cos I was actually thinking of her mum) “ …was thinking how soon I can undress, explore and plant my flag on you ”
“ Naughty boy ” she said as she chuckled, ” I have a boyfriend you know?! ”
“ You should! Does that disturb anything cos I wo.. ” she cut me off before I could finish the sentence
“ Doesn’t matter. How soon can we meet up before I head for school this weekend?…plsssss ”
“ Ok fine. Where are you suggesting? My house? Yours? Where? ” I quickly spelled out
“ Your house tomorrow at 12pm. Send me the address, and I’ll bring us what to eat…Watchu think about that? ”
“ That’s fine but….are we gonna..em..u know? So I’d know whether to work out overnight ”
“ A little push up will do… ”she said while laughing
“ See ya then, I’ll BB u the address now…Oops u don’t have a blackberry, I’ll send you a text then ”
“ Because of u, I’ll buy a BB… nonsense boy,bye jor ”
Just then I remembered the envelope. Just as I reached for the envelope inside the trousers, my phone rang again. I thought it was Teni again,only to find out it was her mum
“Hello Ma. I was just about to call you but couldn’t find credit anywhere”
“ I’m good. I’ll send you some credit in the morning ok? Just wanted to thank you for today and I hope this continues safely between us. I hope the money isn’t too small? ”
…I was thinking, why do they always say that? Not like I can answer that it is too small!
“ I haven’t even opened it ma, but I was just about to when you called. Thank you ma. I had fun today ”
“No problem dear. Don’t worry about calling me, I’ll do the calling ok? and pls no texts! We have to play safe here because my kids use my phone at anytime, so if you need to reach me, beep me and I’ll call you back. Take care of yourself and help yourself with some pain relievers and don’t try to act strong cos you need it”
We both laughed and she dropped the line.

This is insane. Am I going nuts? Is this really happening? Then I remembered the envelope and on checking out the contents, it was thirty thousand naira in clean mint thousand naira notes. Woow! It’s like the economic crunch didn’t hit some people. It’s not like the thirty thousand was a big deal (i hear most of y’all say hell it is!), but after meeting her just today, we had sex and I’m being paid thirty thousand naira? I’d let y’all do the maths.
Just then my phone rang just again. It was my mum calling me from the other end of the house (I stay in the BQ) that someone was at the gate. So I put aside the money and headed to see who the person was. In this rain? Who could it be? As I got outside, I asked who the person was before opening the gate(you cant be too careful in Lagos),then i heard a female voice saying “ It’s me Temi ”

What?! Did I hear her right? As I opened the door to confirm it, there was my worst fear come to pass. There she was, drenched in rain and up in tears, all she could mumble out after parting her rain drenched hair off her face was “Please I need you now. Please don’t turn me away…I cant go home..not now!…can I pass the night here please?”
I was scratching out solutions outta my head and asked her to come in, head down to the BQ whilst I go make an explanation to my parents about who was at the gate and probably get my food and some female clothings for her (Belinda, I’m sorry I had to borrow some of your clothes). I told my parents,some stranger was lost and I was giving him directions and then went on to meet her.
“ What happened? Did you have a fight with your mum? ” I asked.
“ No! I am coming from my boyfriend’s house with whom I was supposed to spend two days and caught him sleeping with someone else and he told me the bitch is his fiancée and sent me out like trash and asked me not to ruin his marriage plans. He called me a spoilt brat and so many other ridiculous names as I strolled out of his house ”
“But how did you get where I live? Have you been here before?”
“ No, I logged in with Teni’s account on facebook to look for your contact details but I did not see anything till I checked your profile on your blogsite and found it ”
I quickly added “ Why me? Dont you have any other friends? I’m 22 you know? And I still play by my parent’s rule. I could get in trouble if they knew you were here ”
“ We don’t have much friends except in school and you are the only person I could think of ”
“ Ok, fine! Get outta those wet clothes and lets eat. Guess I’m stuck with you for the night. Do you do playstations or you’d facebook on the laptop? There’s not much to do around here. ”
“ How can I thank you? Thank you very much ” as she started changing her clothes in front of me.
“Hey?! Watchu doing? I’m here you know?”
She managed a smile and said “ I wish I wasn’t on my period ”

I pondered on what that was supposed to mean. It could mean only one thing… might she wanna? nah? Could it be she’s in…? Couldn’t be. What was I thinking? Of course she wont mind having sex with me, its a cold night (who doesn’t need one on nights like this) and just then I asked her “ Have you ever had sex on your period?…not like I wanna…u get what I mean? ”
She shocked me by saying “ No, but I’ve always wanted to try that ”
Without further questions, I stood up and she came closer and then we kissed so passionately that it went for 15 minutes and then kissing down to her neck as she knelt down to lay on the mattress pushing away the playstaion pad and laptop gently to the side. She carefully removed her pad laden pant and she blew me out (literally as in wow and figuratively as in a blow job). She was the best and I could have returned the favour then I remembered she was actually on her period. I handed over the condom to her to signal it’s time for the real deal. She professionally slipped one of those expensive condoms you save for girls like this (I mean she didn’t look like a gold circle girl)

She started riding me like a jockey and I was pitying her poor boyfriend amidst the fun for letting her go and as I came, my dad beeped me. It was time to put off the generator. I noticed she still had more in her and I told her to reserve it till I come back and just managed a chuckle as she turned to her side.
Did not know NEPA (or PHCN) had brought the light for over thirty minutes and I quickly went to change the switch and on getting back, Temi was fast asleep. I stood staring at her, “Why would anyone ditch a girl like this?” As I lay beside her I felt something on the bed, it was the envelope…THE ENVELOPE!!

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Friday, 14 September 2012

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : fiction, Randomz, Stories

If Men Are Dogs, Women Are Snakes

“My wife can never cheat on me.” (said with conviction).

Those were the words of one of my older friends when asked if his future wife would ever cheat on him. So I asked him why he felt that way, “why don’t you think your wife will ever cheat on you?”. His response? “Women just don’t cheat like that.” I coughed, scratched my neck, turned around to make sure I was the only one that heard such a naive statement, and proceeded to laugh like I was watching an old school episode of Papa Ajasco. I can’t believe he just said that…
like, u no dey watch Desperate Housewives? or Snapped? Or have u been living under a rock for most of your life? But then again, it dawned on me that a good number of men feel that way – that their women can’t cheat or that for some reason women don’t have urges to just creep with Jose the gardener, or Monday the house boy. If they only knew.

They say experience is the best teacher, and as cliche as that sounds, it truly is. My lesson came at the hands of my first girlfriend in college. I was just as naive as my dear friend mentioned above. So when my girlfriend told me she was virgin and that she was saving herself for marriage, and all that good stuff, I believed it – swallowed and digested it like it came straight from the Bible. Turned out that she was giving the goods to some other guy that I knew, and I was there forming holy holy, and playing patient, understanding boyfriend. Yeah I know – just low.

Funny thing is that I didn’t know until about 3-4 months after we broke up. It’s so interesting how the victim is the last one to know. Anyway, these days when a girl tells me she’s a virgin, I smile, and sarcastically reply“I’m a virgin also. We’re all virgins…lol.” Sorry, but the only virgin I know is the Blessed Virgin Mary.
I bring this up as my own personal example of how some women (not all) can be very sneaky, and deceitful. I was being nosey today on some blogs, and came across very interesting gist on Linda Ikeji’s blog about Ikechukwu’s (Killz) girlfriend cheating on him with his good friend. According to Linda Ikeji, his facebook status after he found out, read:

“Kills is single. Women cheat and with your friend too?Of all the women out there, aint life grand ?…. Men and women are equally animals when they choose to be. ” Wow. Looks to me that Killz didn’t see this coming at all. That had to hurt.
*

The common notion has been, and to a certain degree still is, that men are dogs, men cheat without any remorse, and women are innocent victims that deal with these useless men, and get hurt time and time again, while remaining so faithful to their spouses. Really? I personally disagree. Ido think men cheat, but I also think women cheat too… probably just as much as men do. The difference? Women cover their tracks very well. They have a lie to cover the lie that covers the first lie. They never confess….EVER!, and their stories always line up perfectly – well, almost perfectly.

As my homeboy would say, “a woman can sleep with someone and pretend it never happened, and just like that, it never happened.” Women are just plain sneaky… kinda like snakes. Men on the other hand, are like dogs. Some men will hump some and everything that has a female reproductive system. They will probably leave traces all over the place, fumble on lies, and tell lies that don’t even make sense – like “I was watching the game at my friend’s place”… even though she knows fully well that the game ended 4 hours ago. Just like dogs, men commit the crime and leave the evidence hanging all over the place. It’s just plain pitiful sometimes.

Bottom line is that women might not necessarily cheat more than men, but they sure do cheat better than men do.
So as I conclude this post while listening to TLC’s song Creep , I can’t help but think, If I had spent more time listening to the lyrics of that song, instead of dancing the butterfly, I might have learned a thing or two about women creeping, and saved myself some harsh lessons. Or maybe I would’ve just learned the way I did – via experience.

Your thoughts…
who cheats more? who cheats better? who rarely cheats? who is more of the victim?

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Monday, 27 August 2012

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : Randomz

The Relationship From Hell

It’s either, am pregnant or someone is pregnant is for me because I have been craving some really odd meals at very odd times of the day. Like craving Pounded yam and Onugbu soup *Does that even exist?* by 8:00am and then craving Beans & Garri by 8:12am.
I don’t know what the problem is but I plan to figure it out.

Talking about craving, I’ve heard pregnant women crave/like the oddest things. I once heard about a certain woman whom during pregnancy discovered that she liked the smell of the toilet. So, most of the time; she will sit in the toilet to inhale her favourite smell of all times. Dear God, please let my wife’s pregnant craving be the hatred money.

Last night’s craving was Campus 4 road Akara, fried yam and plantain. I called an okada and headed off to Campus 4
I was jejely buying my Akara when the couple came. He wanted Akara and Yam but she wanted only plantain. He suggested that they buy few slices of yam and more plantain but she said, they should just get plantain and go. After few minutes of English speaking and a little pidgin, they ended up buying N150.000 plantain. He sacrificed his yam for her plantain and she wouldn’t even let him buy a piece for himself.

The event got me thinking about relationships and how much we are willing to give/do to make IT work.
I’ve been in all sorts of relationships *yelz! Axe my mummy* and have also witnessed different ones. Some good, some wonderful and some made in hell.
Recently, I heard about a relationship of 2 years that currently ended and the dude is planning a thanksgiving. He stays in Lagos while she lives in Abuja. During their 2 years relationship, she only slept in his house 3 times because she said she was not comfortable with the fact that he was staying in a single room, self contained.
He would buy her flight ticket from Abuja to Lagos and back, pay for hotel accommodation, Red cab and food. She was not really into the TFC/KFC things; she only loved food associated with countries such as Thailand, China et al.
On his visits to Abuja, he would also pay for a hotel because she stays with her parents.
She never PUSHED for them to use her hotel/flight/Red cab/feeding money to get a bigger apartment for him yet she was just not comfortable staying there.
The dude said he never believed that someone as pretty as her would ever date him so he was eager to do everything to satisfy her needs but I believe they were using his brain as Ludo board in China because that should be the only explanation.

There are tale signs of a Relationship from Hell

A relationship from hell will have you thinking that you always need to make an effort to please your partner. You will always make an excuse for your partner. If he fails to show up, you will say ‘Maybe his car broke down’. You are constantly NEVER relaxed because you do not want to do anything out of place.
How do you explain a relationship where you are constantly taking her and her roommates out every time you invite her out?
There are relationships that will force the man to keep borrowing to maintain the lifestyle of their partners. She wants to go on vacation 6 times in one year and her only contribution is “her availability”. Mbanu!!!

Some ladies behave like they are using their head as “wash hand bowl ” in restaurants in Enugu. They are so eager to marry that they are “trying” to make it work with the dude that only leaves the house 5:30pm everyday to play football and can tell you everything showing on E¡.
We all know when we are in an unhealthy relationship and in case you don’t know, if you are currently trying too hard to make it work, then you are probably in one.

I’m not saying you should not assist, satisfy or provide for your partner, do this only because you can afford to and not necessarily as a means to be accepted in a relationship.

I don’t know about you but I think life is too short to be eating only Plantain.

*shoutout to Mr NOBs Igwe!*

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Posted by LordHman's Blog

Tag : about me, Aside, Randomz

SEX SEX SEX!!!

Now that i have ur attention.....ok am sorry..am sorry i had to lure u into reading my blog thinking u were going to read some really juicy story....only to read about the goings on in my non-existence boring life...
Have u ever had this dream where ur falling from a cliff....and once u hit the ground u actually feel it...or ur at this very important function and then u take a look at urself and ur naked. And everyone just stares...i have dose dreams all the time..... am not spared embarassing moments even in my dreams.... Sometimes i wonder y i even bother with this whole blogging tin. But i just cant help it..ive had a journal since i was twelve...writing so much irrelevant nonsense..when i look thru them lately..i just laff and wonder if there really was a time i was dis...stoopid or jobless....and then i found wordpress [i say it like i fell in luv].....well maybe i did!! m bored stiff..i had alot to say...alot to pour out..to release..its a shame i cant remember adamn thing now...its just blank..i checked my fone...turns out i have like 240 numbers half of the people i dont even know....when last did i call somebody up...people am sorry..but am broke...am not stingy...i'd call if i could...but na condition wey make crayfish bend.yu undastnd!

In other word, i am bored! Haw many times have i said that?? Okbye!

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Posted by LordHman's Blog

3 Comments

Tag : Randomz

Tourist Turns Terrorist!

When Elizabeth Grimm arrived in Nigeria, shedidn’t expect to end up in a lunatic asylum after taking 14 innocent lives. We decided to interview her to find out what would push a self-respecting young European tourist to dowhat she did.
Naijarita : Hello Elizabeth. How are you doingtoday?
Elizabeth : meow!
Naijarita : Can you tell us what happened when you went shopping last week?
Elizabeth : I killed them … all. Strangled them with my bare fists. Grrrr!
Naijarita : Why did you kill them? Did they hurt you?
Elizabeth : I woke up in the morning and I said to myself. I’m going shopping today . Myfriend gave me a list of places to go, and I went shopping. I just wanted to shop but see where I am today! Nigeria sure is great. Hahaha!
Naijarita : Can you tell me exactly what happened during your shopping?
Elizabeth : First I went to a fast food joint, because I wanted to have ice cream and cake before going shopping. But there were so many people … And so I waited; waited tillit was my turn and I asked her for ice-cream and cake. But she told me there was “ no more ice cream “, so I stormed out angrily saying “how can you not have ice cream in this hot weather?”
Then I went to a ‘buka’ to buy rice and chicken. And they told me “ rice is finished , but we have eba”. But I couldn’t eat the eba, so I asked for a bottle of sprite just to fill my stomach. But they said they only have Coke and Fanta. I asked for Seven-up, but they onlyhad Pepsi and warm Mirinda. It was terrible, terrible!
Naijarita : And so you just started killing?
Elizabeth : Well I was hungry and decided to start my shopping on an empty stomach . My friend had told me to get him an Eleganzabiro, but I could only find Bic. I tried to buy Panadol, but they only had unbranded Paracetamol. I asked how I could know that it’s not fake, and they said they don’t know.
I was getting really impatient with these market people, So I called my friend and yelled at him for several minutes. Unfortunately my borrowed Vmobile line ran out of credit during my call. I tried to buy a Vmobile phone card, but the only ones available were MTN and Globacom. Vmobile was “ finished ” according to them. So I couldn’t call my friend immediately, but I really needed to yell at someone. I was losingcontrol at this point.
Then I decided to go to the hospital to see a doctor. They said the doctor was not around . I started yelling at the hospital attendants, so they threw me out. And then a hen and her dozen or so chicks had the audacity to come close to where I was lying after being thrown out of the hospital.
I caught them all, those audacious chickens, and I wrung their necks with my bare hands.I tore them to shreds; with my bare hands I made them pay! They all deserved to die. Youall deserve to die! Hahaha! You annoying Nigerians, I’m gonna wring your necks one by one like this …
Naijarita : Somebody help me!
At this point she grabbed the neck of the interviewer and had to be dragged back to her bed, and strapped in securely. Who says habits of these people called Nigerians can’t turn people mad? The doctors say they have diagnosed her condition but the drug that should be used to treat her is “ not currentlyavailable ” in the pharmacy.
^_^

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Posted by LordHman's Blog