Another True Life Story
I placed my hand under my pillow to get my phone, it was just 2:45 a.m and my sister’s cackle had once again woken me up for the fifth consecutive time this week. I hardly gota good night rest because of her. There were 2 extra bedrooms in the house but dad still made me stay with her and he made us share the same bed. Listening to her talk was agonizing, worst off is listeningto her talk dirty to her boyfriend over the phone, saying obscene words my 14-year-old ears should not hear, not that I haven’t heard or used the words before. Common I am 14 years and I attend a boarding school.I know sitting beside a girl won’t get her pregnant, kissing a girl won’t get her pregnant cause I have done that and I know for sure that wearing a condom before sex won’t get a girl pregnant but that I haven’t tested.
I scream out loud “Enitan would you just shut up, I will soon be back in school, let meenjoy my remaining days at home.” She kicks me and tells me to shut it. It’s so annoying that I can’t beat her. I can handle her, I am fairly big in size and she is petite even though her age says otherwise. I pull out the second pillow from under her teddy and use it to cover my left ear while I place my right ear on my pillow. I tried thinking ofsomething pleasant that would put me backto sleep but her incessant laughter kept on interfering with my perfect reverie. My minddrifted off to the event that happened between my sister and her so-called boyfriend of one month that claims he lovesher and she loves him back. I still wonder how a 20-year-old could be so daft.
It was about 3 weeks ago that my dad cameback home to find one of the notorious locals humping my sister, my dad was livid about it but he didn’t show so much fuss, he only made it clear that he didn’t want to see his daughter with the boy again. “He is useless, a good for nothing, a bad seed and if you are not careful the evil in him will seep into this family insidiously.” That’s all he said after he pursued the boy away. He laid more of the blame on me than he did on her, asking me questions and yelling at me. I understood why he did so.
It wasn’t up to a week later that I came in with dad and met this same useless boy, pants down deep throating my sister. They didn’t even have the common courtesy to bemore discreet about it. Thank God she still had her pant on, seeing as her skirt had come off, I was not so sure if they had doneit that time but as no one was sweating andthe condom was still in the pack on the floor, I could only assume that my sister’s virginity was saved by the bell. The church bell my father forgot to carry along. A coincidence I suppose. He was a new member of a church that believed in bells asan effective means of communicating with God. I still don’t get why he changed church,I think he is looking for a church were prayers are answered, this was the 4 th timehe was changing church in the last 2 years. My mum would always say “stay in your church and exercise patience, one day the lord will answer your prayers.” My dad believed otherwise. Mum was a strong Anglican.
We have taken Enitan to different psychiatrists but there has been no improvement, it has been 2 years since the event and dad is desperate for help. I always have to watch after Enitan when I am on break and that is why we share the same bed and room. I am thinking of dropping out of boarding school to take better care of her, I can always attend one of the local day schools. Her life is a complete sham and she lacks every bit of common sense, she can’t differentiate left from right, her mood swings are terrible and she constantly has nightmares. She has quit school and no longer has an iota of hope. She has attempted suicide twice but dad foiled the attempts. Her useless boyfriend is just taking advantage of her and it annoys me to pieces, sometimes I wish I could slap her out of her misery and into reality but her brain is already toasted. Ipity my dad to, he has to bear all the brunt.
I hear Enitan sobbing, I stand up from my corner on the bed and whisper calming words into her ears, I pat her on the back until she falls asleep. My name is Rotimi Samuel Ifesowapo and I am my elder sister’skeeper.
This story was not meant for your amusement. It is meant for you to provide help. TRUE STORY
I scream out loud “Enitan would you just shut up, I will soon be back in school, let meenjoy my remaining days at home.” She kicks me and tells me to shut it. It’s so annoying that I can’t beat her. I can handle her, I am fairly big in size and she is petite even though her age says otherwise. I pull out the second pillow from under her teddy and use it to cover my left ear while I place my right ear on my pillow. I tried thinking ofsomething pleasant that would put me backto sleep but her incessant laughter kept on interfering with my perfect reverie. My minddrifted off to the event that happened between my sister and her so-called boyfriend of one month that claims he lovesher and she loves him back. I still wonder how a 20-year-old could be so daft.
It was about 3 weeks ago that my dad cameback home to find one of the notorious locals humping my sister, my dad was livid about it but he didn’t show so much fuss, he only made it clear that he didn’t want to see his daughter with the boy again. “He is useless, a good for nothing, a bad seed and if you are not careful the evil in him will seep into this family insidiously.” That’s all he said after he pursued the boy away. He laid more of the blame on me than he did on her, asking me questions and yelling at me. I understood why he did so.
It wasn’t up to a week later that I came in with dad and met this same useless boy, pants down deep throating my sister. They didn’t even have the common courtesy to bemore discreet about it. Thank God she still had her pant on, seeing as her skirt had come off, I was not so sure if they had doneit that time but as no one was sweating andthe condom was still in the pack on the floor, I could only assume that my sister’s virginity was saved by the bell. The church bell my father forgot to carry along. A coincidence I suppose. He was a new member of a church that believed in bells asan effective means of communicating with God. I still don’t get why he changed church,I think he is looking for a church were prayers are answered, this was the 4 th timehe was changing church in the last 2 years. My mum would always say “stay in your church and exercise patience, one day the lord will answer your prayers.” My dad believed otherwise. Mum was a strong Anglican.
We have taken Enitan to different psychiatrists but there has been no improvement, it has been 2 years since the event and dad is desperate for help. I always have to watch after Enitan when I am on break and that is why we share the same bed and room. I am thinking of dropping out of boarding school to take better care of her, I can always attend one of the local day schools. Her life is a complete sham and she lacks every bit of common sense, she can’t differentiate left from right, her mood swings are terrible and she constantly has nightmares. She has quit school and no longer has an iota of hope. She has attempted suicide twice but dad foiled the attempts. Her useless boyfriend is just taking advantage of her and it annoys me to pieces, sometimes I wish I could slap her out of her misery and into reality but her brain is already toasted. Ipity my dad to, he has to bear all the brunt.
I hear Enitan sobbing, I stand up from my corner on the bed and whisper calming words into her ears, I pat her on the back until she falls asleep. My name is Rotimi Samuel Ifesowapo and I am my elder sister’skeeper.
This story was not meant for your amusement. It is meant for you to provide help. TRUE STORY
The Love Of My Life - The Most ''Beautifulest'' In The World!
Her existence in my life has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. As a very appreciative individual, I decided to finally introduce this blessing to the whole world, and give her the appropriate adoration due. She has been my backbone, and supported me through thick and thin.
She never for once forsook me during my trials and tribulations. She wipes away my tears like the “Wiper” of my pops car, and brightens my world. She’s indeed God’s very own “engineer”and more like the blueprint to my destiny. So many times have I tried going astray, but she “Steers” me right back into the right direction. She also never hesitates to put me in a complete “Halt” when I fumble; her no-nonsense attitude is something you have no choice but respect.
She takes me for whom I am, and sees my vision clearly more than I can ever envision. There’s nothing as enticing and appealing as a strong willed, self focused woman; someone like a “Japanese” gymnast in the Olympics. Her tenacity is close too none. When I act silly and nonchalant, she puts my behind right in “Check.” When we have our intellectual talks, her “Head and Eyes” yields so much light capable of leading a path in the dark.
Speaking of head, man I tell you, her head game is bananas. Shawty goes hard, you will think she graduated from Cambridge University, but she was raised in the streets… My chick is so welcoming and down to earth. Ma can definitely throw down in the kitchen. She never messes with her domestic chores too, and gets slightly irritated when she finds dirt on her “Leather Couch.”
She knows how to hold me down tight, and gives me that motivation as described by Kelly Rowland. She’s the best I have ever had, if you know what I mean…
Swag is a word I despise and annoys the crap out of me, but she’s the epitome of that word and much more. We compliment each other well like Jigga & Bey or Barack & Michelle. The funny thing is, she got just “2 pairs of shoes,” unlike other females with shoes addiction, but she manages hers very well through all four seasons. Like every other relationships, we have our conflicting times, which happens at least “once in three months,” but when I take her for a little spa treatment which in return rejuvenates her body and soul, she returns to her happy self.
She has been a target and victim of hate, envy, and discrimination, but she still stands firm and keeps her head up high through the “Accidents.” A lot of crooks tried “Stealing” her away from me, but she realizes no one will ever love her like I do.
I love my baby, that’s my baby, and I will treat my baby right, hold my baby tight. She is my “Baby Girl!” ''MY MUM''
*_*
She never for once forsook me during my trials and tribulations. She wipes away my tears like the “Wiper” of my pops car, and brightens my world. She’s indeed God’s very own “engineer”and more like the blueprint to my destiny. So many times have I tried going astray, but she “Steers” me right back into the right direction. She also never hesitates to put me in a complete “Halt” when I fumble; her no-nonsense attitude is something you have no choice but respect.
She takes me for whom I am, and sees my vision clearly more than I can ever envision. There’s nothing as enticing and appealing as a strong willed, self focused woman; someone like a “Japanese” gymnast in the Olympics. Her tenacity is close too none. When I act silly and nonchalant, she puts my behind right in “Check.” When we have our intellectual talks, her “Head and Eyes” yields so much light capable of leading a path in the dark.
Speaking of head, man I tell you, her head game is bananas. Shawty goes hard, you will think she graduated from Cambridge University, but she was raised in the streets… My chick is so welcoming and down to earth. Ma can definitely throw down in the kitchen. She never messes with her domestic chores too, and gets slightly irritated when she finds dirt on her “Leather Couch.”
She knows how to hold me down tight, and gives me that motivation as described by Kelly Rowland. She’s the best I have ever had, if you know what I mean…
Swag is a word I despise and annoys the crap out of me, but she’s the epitome of that word and much more. We compliment each other well like Jigga & Bey or Barack & Michelle. The funny thing is, she got just “2 pairs of shoes,” unlike other females with shoes addiction, but she manages hers very well through all four seasons. Like every other relationships, we have our conflicting times, which happens at least “once in three months,” but when I take her for a little spa treatment which in return rejuvenates her body and soul, she returns to her happy self.
She has been a target and victim of hate, envy, and discrimination, but she still stands firm and keeps her head up high through the “Accidents.” A lot of crooks tried “Stealing” her away from me, but she realizes no one will ever love her like I do.
I love my baby, that’s my baby, and I will treat my baby right, hold my baby tight. She is my “Baby Girl!” ''MY MUM''
*_*
You Know You Are Nigerian IF:
You know you are Nigerian:
If your name is so long, or so hard to pronounce, that you either have some"Americanized" nickname, or you use your middle name (which is English).
If, you know what your name means.
If you know of anyone (including yourself) that has any of the following names: Ola, Sade, Bola, Tunji, Ngozi, Uche, Folake, Ifeoma, Tolu, Tunde, Obi, Chioma, Chituru, Chinyere, Adaobi, Nkemi, Nneka, Bunmi or Fatima
If, names like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Patience, Peace, Blessing, God's Will or Mercy sound pretty normal to you.
If, rice and stew just isn't the same without plantain (dodo) [it aint d same]
If, you would prefer Moin Moin, or Farina (fufu) with soup over McDonalds any day.
If, you have ever treated a cold or sorethroat with "Pe-pe Soup".. AND IT WORKED!!!!!!
If, you have ever gone to a Nigerian "get-together" and made a handful of money just for dancing. [evrytyme]
If, not properly greeting an elderly Nigerian person has ever gotten you in a load of trouble. [dis one happens evryday]
If, when you were little you got FLOGGED (spanked) by someone who of course is Nigerian, but is not your parent.. And your parents had their back, instead of yours! (shady huh?) [wonda y]
If, your parents own expensive ass lace (like 200-300 dollars for one outfit), and they act shady when you want money for clothes.
If, your parents have ever compared your life to theirs in ''those days''. (i.e. boarding school, no electricity, fetching water, Nigerian Civil War....etc)
If, when you parents curse you want so bad to laugh, but you don't wanna get slapped. [yeah]
If, you parents use the word bloody to conjugate words a lot (e.g. bloody fool, bloody nonsense, bloody coward, bloody idiot, bloody shit) [ma dad uses bloody fool alot]
If, your parents use phrases like "Ewhoa, Chineke, Che, Ah-Ah, Yepa! God forbid or by God's Grace". [tufiakwa too]
If, your parents have ever threatened to kill you, break your head, back, or neck, or to"show you pepper". [lotsa tymes]
If, any Nigerian kid that you know for a long ass time is your "cousin". Yeah, Right!
If, you have a relative that owns a "shop". Especially if it is a shop that caters mainly to foreigners.
If, all of your parents Nigerian friends are your "Uncles and Auntie's.. not Aunts but Aunties.
If, when you are around Nigerians your accent either comes outta nowhere, or becomes thicker.
If, you know more than anything that your tribe is the best tribe
If, you know for sure that the Super Eagles are by far the best soccer team in the world.
If, you have ever bought green chucks just to match a shirt that has the Nigerian flag on it..GREEN WHITE GREEN!
If, you know anyone with dark ass hands and a bright ass face. I wont tell if you wont!
If, you attend or have visited a predominantlyNigerian church.
And finally, YOU KNOW THAT YOUR ARE A TRUE TO THE HEART NAIJA KING OR QUEEN if you are a GOOD DANCER! Cause ya know Nigerians have rhythm like WHOA!
If your name is so long, or so hard to pronounce, that you either have some"Americanized" nickname, or you use your middle name (which is English).
If, you know what your name means.
If you know of anyone (including yourself) that has any of the following names: Ola, Sade, Bola, Tunji, Ngozi, Uche, Folake, Ifeoma, Tolu, Tunde, Obi, Chioma, Chituru, Chinyere, Adaobi, Nkemi, Nneka, Bunmi or Fatima
If, names like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Patience, Peace, Blessing, God's Will or Mercy sound pretty normal to you.
If, rice and stew just isn't the same without plantain (dodo) [it aint d same]
If, you would prefer Moin Moin, or Farina (fufu) with soup over McDonalds any day.
If, you have ever treated a cold or sorethroat with "Pe-pe Soup".. AND IT WORKED!!!!!!
If, you have ever gone to a Nigerian "get-together" and made a handful of money just for dancing. [evrytyme]
If, not properly greeting an elderly Nigerian person has ever gotten you in a load of trouble. [dis one happens evryday]
If, when you were little you got FLOGGED (spanked) by someone who of course is Nigerian, but is not your parent.. And your parents had their back, instead of yours! (shady huh?) [wonda y]
If, your parents own expensive ass lace (like 200-300 dollars for one outfit), and they act shady when you want money for clothes.
If, your parents have ever compared your life to theirs in ''those days''. (i.e. boarding school, no electricity, fetching water, Nigerian Civil War....etc)
If, when you parents curse you want so bad to laugh, but you don't wanna get slapped. [yeah]
If, you parents use the word bloody to conjugate words a lot (e.g. bloody fool, bloody nonsense, bloody coward, bloody idiot, bloody shit) [ma dad uses bloody fool alot]
If, your parents use phrases like "Ewhoa, Chineke, Che, Ah-Ah, Yepa! God forbid or by God's Grace". [tufiakwa too]
If, your parents have ever threatened to kill you, break your head, back, or neck, or to"show you pepper". [lotsa tymes]
If, any Nigerian kid that you know for a long ass time is your "cousin". Yeah, Right!
If, you have a relative that owns a "shop". Especially if it is a shop that caters mainly to foreigners.
If, all of your parents Nigerian friends are your "Uncles and Auntie's.. not Aunts but Aunties.
If, when you are around Nigerians your accent either comes outta nowhere, or becomes thicker.
If, you know more than anything that your tribe is the best tribe
If, you know for sure that the Super Eagles are by far the best soccer team in the world.
If, you have ever bought green chucks just to match a shirt that has the Nigerian flag on it..GREEN WHITE GREEN!
If, you know anyone with dark ass hands and a bright ass face. I wont tell if you wont!
If, you attend or have visited a predominantlyNigerian church.
And finally, YOU KNOW THAT YOUR ARE A TRUE TO THE HEART NAIJA KING OR QUEEN if you are a GOOD DANCER! Cause ya know Nigerians have rhythm like WHOA!
MY HAPPY ST' VALATINE'S DAY!!
So ysterday was fun. Probably d best i'v eva had in sch. In the morning i went for class which unfortunately didnt hold so after waisting transport fare to class i wasted another back home. It was then i checked my fone and saw over 30 mesages on my fone. (sola you re such a dearie! :*) that was when i knew that today was vals day 0_o. Seriously, i think the name shld be changed to EXTORTION day cos 90% was about ''hey hendrix, happy vals day. Oya where re you taking me'' WHAAAAT!! But as a guy man i lost abt 5grand. Small rite??
After d many ice cream, dancing, smooching and the likes, i came back home to one of the silliest experience in my life. I my 13months of stayin in this hostel, i didnt have d faintest imagination dat i've got really mean friends... mean and evil.... okay so i got back from my grooving ..after a long hard stressful groove.... when i got home my roommate was like...hey u gt a late valentines's day package....someone dropped it off...Its in ur cupboard.
I tot nothing of it....just kept wondering who could have dropped it off..okay so i got to my room...hoping to see a package from someone who at least remebered me on valentine's day.....okay so i opened the cupboard...all that was there was a black nylon....i went back to tell them there was nothing there...but they urged me to search further.....i opened the black nylon bagand saw a card..it looked like a N5.00 card probably purchased under a bridge at oshodi or sum'in....
Valentines day was spelt as VALANTIN'S DAY....
inside read....
''HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKER...FROM UR LOVELY NEIGHBOURS...Remember its the tot that counts..help us manage those few items.''
i tot twas mad funny....inside the nylon bag were my supposed valentine treats..a packet of 'TREBOR PEPERMINT' a packet of CABIN BISCUITS...some miserable naija sweets....and some bic biro's.....
They think they're funny
when i got downstairs...they were laughing their heads off.....twas funny..real funny.
After d many ice cream, dancing, smooching and the likes, i came back home to one of the silliest experience in my life. I my 13months of stayin in this hostel, i didnt have d faintest imagination dat i've got really mean friends... mean and evil.... okay so i got back from my grooving ..after a long hard stressful groove.... when i got home my roommate was like...hey u gt a late valentines's day package....someone dropped it off...Its in ur cupboard.
I tot nothing of it....just kept wondering who could have dropped it off..okay so i got to my room...hoping to see a package from someone who at least remebered me on valentine's day.....okay so i opened the cupboard...all that was there was a black nylon....i went back to tell them there was nothing there...but they urged me to search further.....i opened the black nylon bagand saw a card..it looked like a N5.00 card probably purchased under a bridge at oshodi or sum'in....
Valentines day was spelt as VALANTIN'S DAY....
inside read....
''HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKER...FROM UR LOVELY NEIGHBOURS...Remember its the tot that counts..help us manage those few items.''
i tot twas mad funny....inside the nylon bag were my supposed valentine treats..a packet of 'TREBOR PEPERMINT' a packet of CABIN BISCUITS...some miserable naija sweets....and some bic biro's.....
They think they're funny
when i got downstairs...they were laughing their heads off.....twas funny..real funny.
How I Usually Spend My Frigging Saturday
So heres how i like to get down on saturdays...
wake up extremely early for no apparent reason..just so i can declare that i woke up first.
lay in bed for 30 minutes fantasizing about one thing...or one person i know i cant get... ntoday twas ...One girl in my neighborhood ..wen isnt it her! *sigh* :(
read the newspapers...who bribed who this time? which corrupt official has been caught...whats the latest thing obasanjo is being compared to...who's openly declaring he's homosexual and all....which actress was caught pants down...where have boko haram visited.....that kind of thing...u know..just to make me feel less crappy aboutmy own life.
proceed to watch 5 hours of senseless t.v which cosists of (reality shows...music video's...series...) whatever crap's on...if NEPA duznt have other plans.
and if nepa strikes....dedicate 5mins to cursing them....digress to the pathetic condition of this country....then it turns into awhole family debate.....we end up spending 5hours on that...
after a hectic day...of lazing around...watchn t.v,eating..cracking really boring jokes..and talking on the fone......then i retreat to my bed..think endlessly...worry myself with headache inducing thoughts for like 2hours......squeeze in a lil fantasy if i can..........listen to sum cool music..the kind u dnt get to hear nemore...the kind u listened to..back then..wen music was music...and people were singing their hearts out....and it felt so good.
That is the end of my story.
wake up extremely early for no apparent reason..just so i can declare that i woke up first.
lay in bed for 30 minutes fantasizing about one thing...or one person i know i cant get... ntoday twas ...One girl in my neighborhood ..wen isnt it her! *sigh* :(
read the newspapers...who bribed who this time? which corrupt official has been caught...whats the latest thing obasanjo is being compared to...who's openly declaring he's homosexual and all....which actress was caught pants down...where have boko haram visited.....that kind of thing...u know..just to make me feel less crappy aboutmy own life.
proceed to watch 5 hours of senseless t.v which cosists of (reality shows...music video's...series...) whatever crap's on...if NEPA duznt have other plans.
and if nepa strikes....dedicate 5mins to cursing them....digress to the pathetic condition of this country....then it turns into awhole family debate.....we end up spending 5hours on that...
after a hectic day...of lazing around...watchn t.v,eating..cracking really boring jokes..and talking on the fone......then i retreat to my bed..think endlessly...worry myself with headache inducing thoughts for like 2hours......squeeze in a lil fantasy if i can..........listen to sum cool music..the kind u dnt get to hear nemore...the kind u listened to..back then..wen music was music...and people were singing their hearts out....and it felt so good.
That is the end of my story.
LASGIDI And The Many Stuffs In My Small Head.
It's been barely 24 hours i left lag and i am already missing her!
Lagos can be a very hectic place, the hustle and bustle, the never ending traffic.
Yesterday on my way to the park were i was gonna take a bus to school, me and mumcie where stuck in go-slow (traffic) for up to an hour somewhere at mile-12 and it was like 6:20AM.... But hey look at the bright side deres always the chance that an old man gets beat up for grabbing an orange sellers ass.
Why do men enjoy ogling at suggestive organs of the other sex, i don’t mean the everyday momentary glancing-I m talking bout real shaft hardening and juice staring “lookeries”? Why i so hate being a guy for this reason. Well while caught up in go-slow, this dirty ol’ man calls this orange seller, he’d been eyeing for like 10mins….why not…she had ass to push beyonce and nicki minaj of the top 10 biggest butts list….
His eyes were almost popping from them sockets….he asks her to peel some oranges while he examines her properly, romanticizing on her tits considering the heftiness or otherwise of her breasts.
His gaze travels down to her bum, he’s probly wondering…large, not so large, knickerful, voluptous, bulky and just like a reflex action he grabs them! The orange seller screams, drops the orange and gives him two disgraceful back hand slaps which sends him falling while she rains curses on him….which attracts the attention of onlookers..
You know lagos na, no one minds their bizness… They beat this guy silly and it was just 6 somtin AM
“Chukwuabiamabiko!”… Hendrix did u see that (shocked!I half forgot my mum was ibo.)…. men are useless sets of human beings, very useless, all they know is sex, sports and food..nothing else…sumtimes I think they think with their PRICKS..oh yea she said it.. my mum … while I cringed with embarrassment…the glove compartment neva looked so inviting…. i could feel a “naija men sermon” coming on.
Somtime ago, i was at one of my aunties house for the holidays. So one sunday like that we went to church (she attends MFM). I really dont like prayers and being MFM i knew my worst fear was goona come to past. As we entered the church, the pastor called out a prayer point for singles searching for life partners… (the same men that the women will end up cussing)
”My adam locate me by fire”.
Immidiately we entered the church, i noticed this fine girl at the conner and like my mumcie said, my prick did d thinkin and i went straght to were she was.
… Like her mumcie felt the need to embarrass her, out of nowhere she shouted ”sola stand up! (She acted like she didn’t hear her..) stand up! STAND UP!..Almost pulling her up…by then almost everyone had their eyes focused on her at the same time at me too… probably thinking…desperate mother seeking help for her lonely ageing daughter who’s yet to get married..for crissakes she shld be like 18… or the boy(me) is looking at her breast and mother catches him.
To make matters worse she kept shouting “Pray it well,pray it well…haba how well do u want her to pray it.
But there was a good side to it, i knew her name and after service dat day, the toasting was easier.
Geez women is just like sometin out of a home video I could just picture my mum 10 years from now.
Mom: Hendrix! wont u get married..ur 30 already, or dont u want me to carry my grand children. Ur father married me wen he was 25 nd i was 23.
Me: But mom,ive not found the right person u just don’t rush into marriage like that.
Mum: Shut up! Shut up! What do u know about marriage…look ehn..next week I’ll send for obiageli in the village..u must marry her o.
Me: Mama I wont o! I wont…
(few weeks later)
Obiageli arrives...
She looks like she fell into a pool of bleaching cream, she can hardly speak English and she has taken a rather weird liking to her hair.. scratching it every five minutes…
Oobi: uncle good morring!
Me: Don’t great me o!…who be ur uncle.. better go back to the village….now now..
Mum: Shat up dia!…oya both of u enter that bedroom and make love till m satisfied..ENTER!
Me: Mama I wont o!…pls papa talk to mama
Dad: mummy hendrix! Mummy hendrix! Leave this boy alone…
Mum: Ehn..babaa hendrix…don’t put ur mouth in this matter....Are u deaf..i say enter abi u want me to get angry and hold u down while she makes luv to u..cuz I can do it o!
(while inside)
Oobi: uncle I no won make mami send me bck go village..oya comot dress make we start..
Me: start what!
Oobi: Abi u no one do…me I won do o!.. i go even give u twice…(she means twins)…uncle come now e no go pain u(lol)…
she comes closer that’s when I bring out the gun ive been hiding and shoot him in the leg.
yeeeee…chineke..mami…mami he don killme o…I shoot the door open.. shoot my mum (I kid..i kid) pack my bags..and set off into the world..
hmm the makings of a good naija film..dnt u think!.
Lagos can be a very hectic place, the hustle and bustle, the never ending traffic.
Yesterday on my way to the park were i was gonna take a bus to school, me and mumcie where stuck in go-slow (traffic) for up to an hour somewhere at mile-12 and it was like 6:20AM.... But hey look at the bright side deres always the chance that an old man gets beat up for grabbing an orange sellers ass.
Why do men enjoy ogling at suggestive organs of the other sex, i don’t mean the everyday momentary glancing-I m talking bout real shaft hardening and juice staring “lookeries”? Why i so hate being a guy for this reason. Well while caught up in go-slow, this dirty ol’ man calls this orange seller, he’d been eyeing for like 10mins….why not…she had ass to push beyonce and nicki minaj of the top 10 biggest butts list….
His eyes were almost popping from them sockets….he asks her to peel some oranges while he examines her properly, romanticizing on her tits considering the heftiness or otherwise of her breasts.
His gaze travels down to her bum, he’s probly wondering…large, not so large, knickerful, voluptous, bulky and just like a reflex action he grabs them! The orange seller screams, drops the orange and gives him two disgraceful back hand slaps which sends him falling while she rains curses on him….which attracts the attention of onlookers..
You know lagos na, no one minds their bizness… They beat this guy silly and it was just 6 somtin AM
“Chukwuabiamabiko!”… Hendrix did u see that (shocked!I half forgot my mum was ibo.)…. men are useless sets of human beings, very useless, all they know is sex, sports and food..nothing else…sumtimes I think they think with their PRICKS..oh yea she said it.. my mum … while I cringed with embarrassment…the glove compartment neva looked so inviting…. i could feel a “naija men sermon” coming on.
Somtime ago, i was at one of my aunties house for the holidays. So one sunday like that we went to church (she attends MFM). I really dont like prayers and being MFM i knew my worst fear was goona come to past. As we entered the church, the pastor called out a prayer point for singles searching for life partners… (the same men that the women will end up cussing)
”My adam locate me by fire”.
Immidiately we entered the church, i noticed this fine girl at the conner and like my mumcie said, my prick did d thinkin and i went straght to were she was.
… Like her mumcie felt the need to embarrass her, out of nowhere she shouted ”sola stand up! (She acted like she didn’t hear her..) stand up! STAND UP!..Almost pulling her up…by then almost everyone had their eyes focused on her at the same time at me too… probably thinking…desperate mother seeking help for her lonely ageing daughter who’s yet to get married..for crissakes she shld be like 18… or the boy(me) is looking at her breast and mother catches him.
To make matters worse she kept shouting “Pray it well,pray it well…haba how well do u want her to pray it.
But there was a good side to it, i knew her name and after service dat day, the toasting was easier.
Geez women is just like sometin out of a home video I could just picture my mum 10 years from now.
Mom: Hendrix! wont u get married..ur 30 already, or dont u want me to carry my grand children. Ur father married me wen he was 25 nd i was 23.
Me: But mom,ive not found the right person u just don’t rush into marriage like that.
Mum: Shut up! Shut up! What do u know about marriage…look ehn..next week I’ll send for obiageli in the village..u must marry her o.
Me: Mama I wont o! I wont…
(few weeks later)
Obiageli arrives...
She looks like she fell into a pool of bleaching cream, she can hardly speak English and she has taken a rather weird liking to her hair.. scratching it every five minutes…
Oobi: uncle good morring!
Me: Don’t great me o!…who be ur uncle.. better go back to the village….now now..
Mum: Shat up dia!…oya both of u enter that bedroom and make love till m satisfied..ENTER!
Me: Mama I wont o!…pls papa talk to mama
Dad: mummy hendrix! Mummy hendrix! Leave this boy alone…
Mum: Ehn..babaa hendrix…don’t put ur mouth in this matter....Are u deaf..i say enter abi u want me to get angry and hold u down while she makes luv to u..cuz I can do it o!
(while inside)
Oobi: uncle I no won make mami send me bck go village..oya comot dress make we start..
Me: start what!
Oobi: Abi u no one do…me I won do o!.. i go even give u twice…(she means twins)…uncle come now e no go pain u(lol)…
she comes closer that’s when I bring out the gun ive been hiding and shoot him in the leg.
yeeeee…chineke..mami…mami he don killme o…I shoot the door open.. shoot my mum (I kid..i kid) pack my bags..and set off into the world..
hmm the makings of a good naija film..dnt u think!.
Laugh Off 2
Hman was inside a bus heading to Lagos from Abraka.
He told the driver and other passengers that"Please if we get to Warri,tell me o".
They all answered Yes Sir. On the long trip, Many passengers slept, The driver and those left had forgotten what he had said.
After several hours of driving, Lagos was closeby and Warri 5hours behind, Hman shouted; Haven't we gotten to Warri?
The driver exclaimed! "Oh! Warri is 5hours behind!
Immediately, Hman started crying"Take me back to Warri" Without any other option, The driver turned and headed back to Warri and on getting there after 5hours, He told him "You can come down sir, This is Warri". Hman dipped his hand into his ghana must go bag and brought out paracetamol, and swallowed two tablets and then smiled and said; "Thank God, My Mother said when i get to Warri i should take paracetamol, Now lets go to Lagos!
"THE DRIVER FAINTED.
He told the driver and other passengers that"Please if we get to Warri,tell me o".
They all answered Yes Sir. On the long trip, Many passengers slept, The driver and those left had forgotten what he had said.
After several hours of driving, Lagos was closeby and Warri 5hours behind, Hman shouted; Haven't we gotten to Warri?
The driver exclaimed! "Oh! Warri is 5hours behind!
Immediately, Hman started crying"Take me back to Warri" Without any other option, The driver turned and headed back to Warri and on getting there after 5hours, He told him "You can come down sir, This is Warri". Hman dipped his hand into his ghana must go bag and brought out paracetamol, and swallowed two tablets and then smiled and said; "Thank God, My Mother said when i get to Warri i should take paracetamol, Now lets go to Lagos!
"THE DRIVER FAINTED.
