So ysterday was fun. Probably d best i'v eva had in sch. In the morning i went for class which unfortunately didnt hold so after waisting transport fare to class i wasted another back home. It was then i checked my fone and saw over 30 mesages on my fone. (sola you re such a dearie! :*) that was when i knew that today was vals day 0_o. Seriously, i think the name shld be changed to EXTORTION day cos 90% was about ''hey hendrix, happy vals day. Oya where re you taking me'' WHAAAAT!! But as a guy man i lost abt 5grand. Small rite??

After d many ice cream, dancing, smooching and the likes, i came back home to one of the silliest experience in my life. I my 13months of stayin in this hostel, i didnt have d faintest imagination dat i've got really mean friends... mean and evil.... okay so i got back from my grooving ..after a long hard stressful groove.... when i got home my roommate was like...hey u gt a late valentines's day package....someone dropped it off...Its in ur cupboard.

I tot nothing of it....just kept wondering who could have dropped it off..okay so i got to my room...hoping to see a package from someone who at least remebered me on valentine's day.....okay so i opened the cupboard...all that was there was a black nylon....i went back to tell them there was nothing there...but they urged me to search further.....i opened the black nylon bagand saw a card..it looked like a N5.00 card probably purchased under a bridge at oshodi or sum'in....
Valentines day was spelt as VALANTIN'S DAY....
inside read....


''HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKER...FROM UR LOVELY NEIGHBOURS...Remember its the tot that counts..help us manage those few items.''

i tot twas mad funny....inside the nylon bag were my supposed valentine treats..a packet of 'TREBOR PEPERMINT' a packet of CABIN BISCUITS...some miserable naija sweets....and some bic biro's.....

They think they're funny
when i got downstairs...they were laughing their heads off.....twas funny..real funny.

So heres how i like to get down on saturdays...
wake up extremely early for no apparent reason..just so i can declare that i woke up first.
lay in bed for 30 minutes fantasizing about one thing...or one person i know i cant get... ntoday twas ...One girl in my neighborhood ..wen isnt it her! *sigh* :(

read the newspapers...who bribed who this time? which corrupt official has been caught...whats the latest thing obasanjo is being compared to...who's openly declaring he's homosexual and all....which actress was caught pants down...where have boko haram visited.....that kind of thing...u know..just to make me feel less crappy aboutmy own life.
proceed to watch 5 hours of senseless t.v which cosists of (reality shows...music video's...series...) whatever crap's on...if NEPA duznt have other plans.
and if nepa strikes....dedicate 5mins to cursing them....digress to the pathetic condition of this country....then it turns into awhole family debate.....we end up spending 5hours on that...
after a hectic day...of lazing around...watchn t.v,eating..cracking really boring jokes..and talking on the fone......then i retreat to my bed..think endlessly...worry myself with headache inducing thoughts for like 2hours......squeeze in a lil fantasy if i can..........listen to sum cool music..the kind u dnt get to hear nemore...the kind u listened to..back then..wen music was music...and people were singing their hearts out....and it felt so good.

That is the end of my story.

It's been barely 24 hours i left lag and i am already missing her!

Lagos can be a very hectic place, the hustle and bustle, the never ending traffic.

Yesterday on my way to the park were i was gonna take a bus to school, me and mumcie where stuck in go-slow (traffic) for up to an hour somewhere at mile-12 and it was like 6:20AM.... But hey look at the bright side deres always the chance that an old man gets beat up for grabbing an orange sellers ass.

Why do men enjoy ogling at suggestive organs of the other sex, i don’t mean the everyday momentary glancing-I m talking bout real shaft hardening and juice staring “lookeries”? Why i so hate being a guy for this reason. Well while caught up in go-slow, this dirty ol’ man calls this orange seller, he’d been eyeing for like 10mins….why not…she had ass to push beyonce and nicki minaj of the top 10 biggest butts list….
His eyes were almost popping from them sockets….he asks her to peel some oranges while he examines her properly, romanticizing on her tits considering the heftiness or otherwise of her breasts.
His gaze travels down to her bum, he’s probly wondering…large, not so large, knickerful, voluptous, bulky and just like a reflex action he grabs them! The orange seller screams, drops the orange and gives him two disgraceful back hand slaps which sends him falling while she rains curses on him….which attracts the attention of onlookers..

You know lagos na, no one minds their bizness… They beat this guy silly and it was just 6 somtin AM

“Chukwuabiamabiko!”… Hendrix did u see that (shocked!I half forgot my mum was ibo.)…. men are useless sets of human beings, very useless, all they know is sex, sports and food..nothing else…sumtimes I think they think with their PRICKS..oh yea she said it.. my mum … while I cringed with embarrassment…the glove compartment neva looked so inviting…. i could feel a “naija men sermon” coming on.

Somtime ago, i was at one of my aunties house for the holidays. So one sunday like that we went to church (she attends MFM). I really dont like prayers and being MFM i knew my worst fear was goona come to past. As we entered the church, the pastor called out a prayer point for singles searching for life partners… (the same men that the women will end up cussing)

”My adam locate me by fire”.

Immidiately we entered the church, i noticed this fine girl at the conner and like my mumcie said, my prick did d thinkin and i went straght to were she was.

… Like her mumcie felt the need to embarrass her, out of nowhere she shouted ”sola stand up! (She acted like she didn’t hear her..) stand up! STAND UP!..Almost pulling her up…by then almost everyone had their eyes focused on her at the same time at me too… probably thinking…desperate mother seeking help for her lonely ageing daughter who’s yet to get married..for crissakes she shld be like 18… or the boy(me) is looking at her breast and mother catches him.
To make matters worse she kept shouting “Pray it well,pray it well…haba how well do u want her to pray it.
But there was a good side to it, i knew her name and after service dat day, the toasting was easier.

Geez women is just like sometin out of a home video I could just picture my mum 10 years from now.

Mom: Hendrix! wont u get married..ur 30 already, or dont u want me to carry my grand children. Ur father married me wen he was 25 nd i was 23.

Me: But mom,ive not found the right person u just don’t rush into marriage like that.

Mum: Shut up! Shut up! What do u know about marriage…look ehn..next week I’ll send for obiageli in the village..u must marry her o.

Me: Mama I wont o! I wont…

(few weeks later)
Obiageli arrives...

She looks like she fell into a pool of bleaching cream, she can hardly speak English and she has taken a rather weird liking to her hair.. scratching it every five minutes…

Oobi: uncle good morring!

Me: Don’t great me o!…who be ur uncle.. better go back to the village….now now..

Mum: Shat up dia!…oya both of u enter that bedroom and make love till m satisfied..ENTER!

Me: Mama I wont o!…pls papa talk to mama

Dad: mummy hendrix! Mummy hendrix! Leave this boy alone…

Mum: Ehn..babaa hendrix…don’t put ur mouth in this matter....Are u deaf..i say enter abi u want me to get angry and hold u down while she makes luv to u..cuz I can do it o!

(while inside)

Oobi: uncle I no won make mami send me bck go village..oya comot dress make we start..

Me: start what!

Oobi: Abi u no one do…me I won do o!.. i go even give u twice…(she means twins)…uncle come now e no go pain u(lol)…

she comes closer that’s when I bring out the gun ive been hiding and shoot him in the leg.

yeeeee…chineke..mami…mami he don killme o…I shoot the door open.. shoot my mum (I kid..i kid) pack my bags..and set off into the world..

hmm the makings of a good naija film..dnt u think!.

Hman was inside a bus heading to Lagos from Abraka.
He told the driver and other passengers that"Please if we get to Warri,tell me o".
They all answered Yes Sir. On the long trip, Many passengers slept, The driver and those left had forgotten what he had said.
After several hours of driving, Lagos was closeby and Warri 5hours behind, Hman shouted; Haven't we gotten to Warri?
The driver exclaimed! "Oh! Warri is 5hours behind!
Immediately, Hman started crying"Take me back to Warri" Without any other option, The driver turned and headed back to Warri and on getting there after 5hours, He told him "You can come down sir, This is Warri". Hman dipped his hand into his ghana must go bag and brought out paracetamol, and swallowed two tablets and then smiled and said; "Thank God, My Mother said when i get to Warri i should take paracetamol, Now lets go to Lagos!

"THE DRIVER FAINTED.

A Family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, Sent by their Sister.
The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover.
When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which reads below :
My Dearest Brothers and Sisters,
I am sending you our mother's remains for burial in Lagos.
Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were so high.
You will find inside the coffin, under Mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat.
Just share amongst yourselves.
On Mama's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for Junior.
There are ...four pairs of Reeboks under Mama's head for Deji's sons.
Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Dayo, and the rest are for my nephews.
Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (your favourite), just share them among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria 's Secret panties that Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.
Mama is also wearing eight Dockers pants - James, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. Chike, The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Ronke, Mama is wearing what you asked for - earrings, rings and a necklace; please take them. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that Mama is wearing must be shared among the teen- age girls there.
I hope they like the colours.

Your loving sister Nene

Note : Please take care and find a nice dress for Mama for her burial.
In case you need anything that I may have forgotten, please let me know as UNCLE IS NOT FEELING ΤOO WELL.

THE FEAR OF NEPA

Lord of darkness
serial joy killer
i detest you
and your ability to make a fine day blue
why do u posses such power over me
how come u have a knack for making my dayseem gloomy
maybe if i had a life
your incompetence wouldnt anger me
your only being u after all
sending your agents to knock our doors
threaten to cut out wires till we dip in our pockets
over charging for services not rendered
witholding your power
at the very moment we pray u wouldnt
but as much as i despise u
and constantly bless u with curses
somehow i thank you
for being the reason i get things done
for a slave i had become
with a permanent seat infront of the television
remote control freak
couch potatoe supreme
but i passed that exam
cause whenever u struck
i picked up that past questions
and put my brain to work
and when i wake up in the morning
before the break of dawn
i go on an ironing mission
for the fear of Nepa,
is the beginning of wisdom!

My fellow Nigerians. what are the odds that areal life enactment of the movie "snakes on aplane" would have happened in our beloved country.
Passengers heading for jand from naija got the shock of their lives(like it's surprise me) when they discovered a snake on board while they were already airborne.Making it way round the plane forcing everybody-business class,economy class and first class folks to get their asses up on the chairs.
Snake no the look face oh!
It is likely the snake must have sneaked in at the Muritala Mohammed Intl Airport..they are so lucky it wasn't some mean ass snake like a cobra or rattle snake......then we'd be hearing a diffrent sroy.
when the plane landed,everybody ran out like it was nobody's businesss...

AH NAIJA!