Showing posts with label fiction. Show all posts
I, The Okada Man and His Girl-Friend
....... Hendrix, I’m inviting you to my fellowship” she said. “Trust me; it’s going to be worthwhile”.
How the hell was I supposed to refuse such an invitation? Dolly was too fine. The girl set die…., In fact she was “Mmuuaa!!!” and I had been trying to get with her.
Now, the chemistry between Dolly and I was as mutual as it could be. In a nutshell, it was a bit like…….ok, Mutual chemistry? Check, Physical attraction? Check and then Religious compatibility? No check. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like she was a Muslim and I a Christian. In fact, we were/are both Christians.
But you see, the wahala come be say this girl was a Jehovah’s Witness. I’m not saying I dislike or hate Jehovah’s witnesses, no; but if you know these lots well, you’ll agree with me that they have some of the strictest “living righteous” rules/guidelines ever made.
Their views and outlook on life have never been mine at all. I digress, but apologies if I’m being judgmental however.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that babes said “NO” a lot to a lot of things. “Oh no I’m not supposed to do that with you, you’re not a witness”. In fact me sef tire for the girl. She gave me the impression that all I had to do was show just a hint of commitment to her faith and then she’d loosen up on the “NO”s. Trust me na. “Yes, yes, I’ll be there”.
On this Sunday, I got ready and told my friends I was going to church. Of course I didn’t tell them I was going to a Kingdom hall for fear of becoming a subject of mockery, as they were Catholics who had always invited me to tag along with them to which I had always objected. So anyways, I set off and proceeded to board an okada to the address. Na here the drama come happen o! It wasn’t until we were about 15 minutes into the journey that it dawned on me that the okada man I had boarded his bike was drunk as a horse.
Suddenly, I had started to smell alcohol in his clothes, and his riding was no different to the riding style in that matrix movie. “E don happen” I said to myself. We had gotten to a point where it was inevitable to abort the journey and there was just nothing I could do about it. So I sat there patiently, with my heart in my hand, while bros had a blast diving into potholes at a very uncomfortable speed, obviously testing out his newly fixed shock absorbers. “All these wahala na because I wan impress woman abi?”
As we went along, I noticed we were going into a very remote area, and I started to feel really uneasy. “Bros you sure say na the church you dey carry me go so?” I asked, and his reply almost threw me off the bike. “Oga we dey go my girlfriend house”.
Now, at this time, it was 9.45 a.m. and I was supposed to be at the service at 9.00 a.m. I was livid. “Akpos!!” as I later learnt was his name, “wetin we dey go do for your girlfriend house?” “Oga sorry sir…… just gimme 2 minutes, we go comot now now abeg”. Before I could get Akpos to change his course and take me to my destination, Akpos had turned off his motorcycle. Whether I liked it or not we were at Akpos’s girlfriends place o! See film!!
It turned out Akpos had come to settle a score with his girlfriend who had caught him having an affair and had moved out of his house, just after trashing it. “She dey crase” he yelled. “How she go scatter my house, break my TV, burn all my clothes……” I stood there in total disbelief at what was unfolding before my eyes. All I simply wanted on that Sunday was to wake up, get dressed and impress Dolly by honoring her invitation to her church, but there I was at Akpos’s girlfriends place, forced to take on the problems of two complete strangers.
2 minutes turned into an hour, and to make matters worse, I became a mediator. I couldn’t believe myself. I had to say or do something just so we could hurry up and get me out of there. This was comedy at its very best. Well, Akpos and his girlfriend exchanged insults for the next 45 minutes and at this point, it became apparent that there was no way I was going to make the service, and so I resigned to these strangers and just stood there while they entertained me.
Eventually, when both parties had run out of nothings to say to each other, I asked Akpos take me back to where he had picked me up.
“Hendrix, welcome back….how was your service?” my friends asked. “Ah! It was fine o! In fact it was the most fulfilling service ever” Before nko? How was I to tell them I spent the day with Akpos and his girlfriend instead of the in the church I had earlier told them I was going to?
Plus I had to prepare a very convincing excuse for Dolly. Some weeks later I was going somewhere when I bumped into Akpos again at the same bike stand. I was surprised he recognised me. “Oga how far na? Oga come make we go”. When he saw that I was obviously avoiding him, he came over and said “Oga come make I carry you go… no worry, me and my babe don settle”.
I said “we bless God o! But no thank you”.
How the hell was I supposed to refuse such an invitation? Dolly was too fine. The girl set die…., In fact she was “Mmuuaa!!!” and I had been trying to get with her.
Now, the chemistry between Dolly and I was as mutual as it could be. In a nutshell, it was a bit like…….ok, Mutual chemistry? Check, Physical attraction? Check and then Religious compatibility? No check. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like she was a Muslim and I a Christian. In fact, we were/are both Christians.
But you see, the wahala come be say this girl was a Jehovah’s Witness. I’m not saying I dislike or hate Jehovah’s witnesses, no; but if you know these lots well, you’ll agree with me that they have some of the strictest “living righteous” rules/guidelines ever made.
Their views and outlook on life have never been mine at all. I digress, but apologies if I’m being judgmental however.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that babes said “NO” a lot to a lot of things. “Oh no I’m not supposed to do that with you, you’re not a witness”. In fact me sef tire for the girl. She gave me the impression that all I had to do was show just a hint of commitment to her faith and then she’d loosen up on the “NO”s. Trust me na. “Yes, yes, I’ll be there”.
On this Sunday, I got ready and told my friends I was going to church. Of course I didn’t tell them I was going to a Kingdom hall for fear of becoming a subject of mockery, as they were Catholics who had always invited me to tag along with them to which I had always objected. So anyways, I set off and proceeded to board an okada to the address. Na here the drama come happen o! It wasn’t until we were about 15 minutes into the journey that it dawned on me that the okada man I had boarded his bike was drunk as a horse.
Suddenly, I had started to smell alcohol in his clothes, and his riding was no different to the riding style in that matrix movie. “E don happen” I said to myself. We had gotten to a point where it was inevitable to abort the journey and there was just nothing I could do about it. So I sat there patiently, with my heart in my hand, while bros had a blast diving into potholes at a very uncomfortable speed, obviously testing out his newly fixed shock absorbers. “All these wahala na because I wan impress woman abi?”
As we went along, I noticed we were going into a very remote area, and I started to feel really uneasy. “Bros you sure say na the church you dey carry me go so?” I asked, and his reply almost threw me off the bike. “Oga we dey go my girlfriend house”.
Now, at this time, it was 9.45 a.m. and I was supposed to be at the service at 9.00 a.m. I was livid. “Akpos!!” as I later learnt was his name, “wetin we dey go do for your girlfriend house?” “Oga sorry sir…… just gimme 2 minutes, we go comot now now abeg”. Before I could get Akpos to change his course and take me to my destination, Akpos had turned off his motorcycle. Whether I liked it or not we were at Akpos’s girlfriends place o! See film!!
It turned out Akpos had come to settle a score with his girlfriend who had caught him having an affair and had moved out of his house, just after trashing it. “She dey crase” he yelled. “How she go scatter my house, break my TV, burn all my clothes……” I stood there in total disbelief at what was unfolding before my eyes. All I simply wanted on that Sunday was to wake up, get dressed and impress Dolly by honoring her invitation to her church, but there I was at Akpos’s girlfriends place, forced to take on the problems of two complete strangers.
2 minutes turned into an hour, and to make matters worse, I became a mediator. I couldn’t believe myself. I had to say or do something just so we could hurry up and get me out of there. This was comedy at its very best. Well, Akpos and his girlfriend exchanged insults for the next 45 minutes and at this point, it became apparent that there was no way I was going to make the service, and so I resigned to these strangers and just stood there while they entertained me.
Eventually, when both parties had run out of nothings to say to each other, I asked Akpos take me back to where he had picked me up.
“Hendrix, welcome back….how was your service?” my friends asked. “Ah! It was fine o! In fact it was the most fulfilling service ever” Before nko? How was I to tell them I spent the day with Akpos and his girlfriend instead of the in the church I had earlier told them I was going to?
Plus I had to prepare a very convincing excuse for Dolly. Some weeks later I was going somewhere when I bumped into Akpos again at the same bike stand. I was surprised he recognised me. “Oga how far na? Oga come make we go”. When he saw that I was obviously avoiding him, he came over and said “Oga come make I carry you go… no worry, me and my babe don settle”.
I said “we bless God o! But no thank you”.
I Am Now Convinced That I Am Going To Die Single.
I am now convinced that I am going to die single.
Growing up, I had been tutored to have high demands when it came to women. I was encouraged not to ‘settle’. So, as early as JSS3, I had made up my list of requirements. Whoever would be my main squeeze had to have the following exact characteristics:
1) Pretty face. Females who were ogres in their former lives were advised to stay far. Very far.
2) Hot figure. Something of a mix between Eva Longoria and Beyonce.
3) Height. Pygmies not welcome.
4) Fair complexion. This particular idiosyncrasy was handed down from Dad: you should see my mother.
5) Who doesn't want for himself some mammary?
But you see, dear readers, I met her during my first year of university. She had all but number 4. Her chocolate complexion was exquisite. I fell in lust instantly..... she dumped me after I farted in bed.(T'wld have been better if she had dumped me cos of this reason)
Anyway, I had then realised that I could date dark chicks. Awesome. Then I met another her(maybe we'll just call her "her2) who kind of looked like a bimbo. However, she was missing numbers 3 and 4.
Our relationship went down the drain after she caught me ogling at her mother. What? Don’t judge. The woman had all 5! But she also had her blasted husband’s stupid wedding ring. Aaaaargh…(another worse case senerio I wld have agreed to be dumped for)
It all went downhill from there. Her3, while of average height, was shaped like a pedestrian bridge: straight and narrow.
Her4(you should get it from this point) made me rethink item 5. She put the ‘2’ in too much. The Jews could have hidden from Hitler’s Nazis in her cleavage!
Recently, I finally let go of my precepts. I made but one new rule: conversation. I wanted a woman I could talk to. All my friends lauded the new and improved me. I had indeed matured, they all said.
And so I happened upon Her5. She was a colleague at school. And – you guessed it – she had all five. Plus, she was single. How ironic that I should meet the girl of my dreams AFTER I’d contrived to trash those prerequisite.
I’d only seen her a few times when she came to our faculty and… my oh my: she was stunning! First she was half caste, and then her figure was to die for. On top of that, she was at least 5feet 10inches.
I once snuck a peek while she was talking to a friend of mine (another colleague). I couldn’t make out what she was saying from where I stood but I figured she must be a pretty powerful orator because Clinton clearly had tears in his eyes. Amazing! What could make such a macho man cry? If my curiosity was piqued before,
I was nearing obsession by now. It seemed my search was finally over. I couldn’t wait to meet Her and have terrific conversations with this intelligent, hot girl.
My chance came soon enough.
One day, I spotted her at an eatery my colleagues and I frequented during lunch breaks. I was about to order when our eyes clashed. I ignored the attendant and walked over to where she sat.
“Hi”, I started, “my name is Chris and I’ve been dying to meet you.” By the time she was done replying, I was weeping like Clinton. She said:
“Hello Chris. I’m Ingrid. Let me start by apologising. I have a birth defect which accounts for my incurable, tear inducing halitosis…” I wiped my face without bothering to hear more and trudged back to the counter.
See why I wrote the first line?
Growing up, I had been tutored to have high demands when it came to women. I was encouraged not to ‘settle’. So, as early as JSS3, I had made up my list of requirements. Whoever would be my main squeeze had to have the following exact characteristics:
1) Pretty face. Females who were ogres in their former lives were advised to stay far. Very far.
2) Hot figure. Something of a mix between Eva Longoria and Beyonce.
3) Height. Pygmies not welcome.
4) Fair complexion. This particular idiosyncrasy was handed down from Dad: you should see my mother.
5) Who doesn't want for himself some mammary?
But you see, dear readers, I met her during my first year of university. She had all but number 4. Her chocolate complexion was exquisite. I fell in lust instantly..... she dumped me after I farted in bed.(T'wld have been better if she had dumped me cos of this reason)
Anyway, I had then realised that I could date dark chicks. Awesome. Then I met another her(maybe we'll just call her "her2) who kind of looked like a bimbo. However, she was missing numbers 3 and 4.
Our relationship went down the drain after she caught me ogling at her mother. What? Don’t judge. The woman had all 5! But she also had her blasted husband’s stupid wedding ring. Aaaaargh…(another worse case senerio I wld have agreed to be dumped for)
It all went downhill from there. Her3, while of average height, was shaped like a pedestrian bridge: straight and narrow.
Her4(you should get it from this point) made me rethink item 5. She put the ‘2’ in too much. The Jews could have hidden from Hitler’s Nazis in her cleavage!
Recently, I finally let go of my precepts. I made but one new rule: conversation. I wanted a woman I could talk to. All my friends lauded the new and improved me. I had indeed matured, they all said.
And so I happened upon Her5. She was a colleague at school. And – you guessed it – she had all five. Plus, she was single. How ironic that I should meet the girl of my dreams AFTER I’d contrived to trash those prerequisite.
I’d only seen her a few times when she came to our faculty and… my oh my: she was stunning! First she was half caste, and then her figure was to die for. On top of that, she was at least 5feet 10inches.
I once snuck a peek while she was talking to a friend of mine (another colleague). I couldn’t make out what she was saying from where I stood but I figured she must be a pretty powerful orator because Clinton clearly had tears in his eyes. Amazing! What could make such a macho man cry? If my curiosity was piqued before,
I was nearing obsession by now. It seemed my search was finally over. I couldn’t wait to meet Her and have terrific conversations with this intelligent, hot girl.
My chance came soon enough.
One day, I spotted her at an eatery my colleagues and I frequented during lunch breaks. I was about to order when our eyes clashed. I ignored the attendant and walked over to where she sat.
“Hi”, I started, “my name is Chris and I’ve been dying to meet you.” By the time she was done replying, I was weeping like Clinton. She said:
“Hello Chris. I’m Ingrid. Let me start by apologising. I have a birth defect which accounts for my incurable, tear inducing halitosis…” I wiped my face without bothering to hear more and trudged back to the counter.
See why I wrote the first line?
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using MTN NIGERIA.
How I Got My First Kiss
I’m writing this with the hope that a part of it will make sense at the end of the day but if it ends up making no sense, please forgive me.
While waiting for my mum & younger sis to tidy up their facelift, random thoughts kept crossing my mind and for some reason I started thinking about my first kiss.
I know some people reading this had their first kiss planned while some of you cannot even remember their first kiss.
Talking about kisses, I’m still trying to understand the logic behind -
“ I’ll rather sleep with you than kiss you ”
- as preached by some ladies. I can understand your first kiss but not that it would be easier to get wet, smash Okafor and very difficult to exchange less than a teaspoon of saliva with him. Some say-
‘ kissing is very emotional ’ and sex isn’t??
- Anyways, let’s get back to rambling about my first kiss and how special it was. Growing up was an endless party featuring a long list of father's brother uncle aunty child (you get the picture) coming to stay with us most times for holiday before they eventually turn out to be permanent resident house helps.... Edom (due to privacy we'll call her Edom. I think you'll get the picture clearly if we paint her as calabar) played the lead role.
I can’t remember the entire "house helps" by name but Edom’s name will forever be etched in my memory as the young girl with boobs the size of pawpaw cultivated in a very fertile land in Isele-uku.
Each house help came, stayed for a while and left but Edom stayed the longest.
I didn’t know much about boobs then but most men in my neighbourhood had special interest in Edom but instead of returning same to them, Edom was very interested in me.
It all started a certain night, I was sleeping in the living room when Edom came to wake me so she could take me back to my room but when she realised that we were the only people in the living room, Edom brought her boobs, put it in my mouth and asked me to suck on them one after the other. I didn’t see anything wrong in that so it continued and with the promise of biscuit treats (Not Hob Nobs) and Coke(yes that's why I'm an addict) it became an almost every day affair.
Edom used my mouth on her boobs so much that I used to dream of them boobs at night. I didn’t complain to anybody because in my young eyes I didn’t see anything wrong with it and I also did not want to stop the flow of the extra biscuits and coke.
Please before I digress any further, this is a story about my first kiss and not boobs.
Where did I stop again?
Ehen. So in some cases, I will purposely stay back in the living room so that Edom can come get me and give the usual dose of boobs before taking me to my room to sleep. Everything was special until one weekend when my parents travelled to isele-uku and left us in the care of Edom. Unlike other days, Edom asked my younger ones to go to bed early and when she returned from putting my younger ones to bed. She said we were going to try something totally different. (To Be Continued)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
,
.
.
,
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hahahahahaha I kid....okay sorry....
That night, instead of asking me to suck on her, she asked me to use my fingers to twist her nipples like a knob and that was when it happened. Edom, grabbed me by my head and stuck her entire tongue down my throat. Looking back now, it wasn’t the best first kiss but it was my first kiss.
I know you are wondering if we stopped at kissing, well, someday I’ll share my first time. Feel free to share your first time with us in the comment box.
PS: If you lack a sense of humour... PLEASE Regard The Above Story AS PURLY FICTIONAL!!!
While waiting for my mum & younger sis to tidy up their facelift, random thoughts kept crossing my mind and for some reason I started thinking about my first kiss.
I know some people reading this had their first kiss planned while some of you cannot even remember their first kiss.
Talking about kisses, I’m still trying to understand the logic behind -
“ I’ll rather sleep with you than kiss you ”
- as preached by some ladies. I can understand your first kiss but not that it would be easier to get wet, smash Okafor and very difficult to exchange less than a teaspoon of saliva with him. Some say-
‘ kissing is very emotional ’ and sex isn’t??
- Anyways, let’s get back to rambling about my first kiss and how special it was. Growing up was an endless party featuring a long list of father's brother uncle aunty child (you get the picture) coming to stay with us most times for holiday before they eventually turn out to be permanent resident house helps.... Edom (due to privacy we'll call her Edom. I think you'll get the picture clearly if we paint her as calabar) played the lead role.
I can’t remember the entire "house helps" by name but Edom’s name will forever be etched in my memory as the young girl with boobs the size of pawpaw cultivated in a very fertile land in Isele-uku.
Each house help came, stayed for a while and left but Edom stayed the longest.
I didn’t know much about boobs then but most men in my neighbourhood had special interest in Edom but instead of returning same to them, Edom was very interested in me.
It all started a certain night, I was sleeping in the living room when Edom came to wake me so she could take me back to my room but when she realised that we were the only people in the living room, Edom brought her boobs, put it in my mouth and asked me to suck on them one after the other. I didn’t see anything wrong in that so it continued and with the promise of biscuit treats (Not Hob Nobs) and Coke(yes that's why I'm an addict) it became an almost every day affair.
Edom used my mouth on her boobs so much that I used to dream of them boobs at night. I didn’t complain to anybody because in my young eyes I didn’t see anything wrong with it and I also did not want to stop the flow of the extra biscuits and coke.
Please before I digress any further, this is a story about my first kiss and not boobs.
Where did I stop again?
Ehen. So in some cases, I will purposely stay back in the living room so that Edom can come get me and give the usual dose of boobs before taking me to my room to sleep. Everything was special until one weekend when my parents travelled to isele-uku and left us in the care of Edom. Unlike other days, Edom asked my younger ones to go to bed early and when she returned from putting my younger ones to bed. She said we were going to try something totally different. (To Be Continued)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
,
.
.
,
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hahahahahaha I kid....okay sorry....
That night, instead of asking me to suck on her, she asked me to use my fingers to twist her nipples like a knob and that was when it happened. Edom, grabbed me by my head and stuck her entire tongue down my throat. Looking back now, it wasn’t the best first kiss but it was my first kiss.
I know you are wondering if we stopped at kissing, well, someday I’ll share my first time. Feel free to share your first time with us in the comment box.
PS: If you lack a sense of humour... PLEASE Regard The Above Story AS PURLY FICTIONAL!!!
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.
