When Elizabeth Grimm arrived in Nigeria, shedidn’t expect to end up in a lunatic asylum after taking 14 innocent lives. We decided to interview her to find out what would push a self-respecting young European tourist to dowhat she did.
Naijarita : Hello Elizabeth. How are you doingtoday?
Elizabeth : meow!
Naijarita : Can you tell us what happened when you went shopping last week?
Elizabeth : I killed them … all. Strangled them with my bare fists. Grrrr!
Naijarita : Why did you kill them? Did they hurt you?
Elizabeth : I woke up in the morning and I said to myself. I’m going shopping today . Myfriend gave me a list of places to go, and I went shopping. I just wanted to shop but see where I am today! Nigeria sure is great. Hahaha!
Naijarita : Can you tell me exactly what happened during your shopping?
Elizabeth : First I went to a fast food joint, because I wanted to have ice cream and cake before going shopping. But there were so many people … And so I waited; waited tillit was my turn and I asked her for ice-cream and cake. But she told me there was “ no more ice cream “, so I stormed out angrily saying “how can you not have ice cream in this hot weather?”
Then I went to a ‘buka’ to buy rice and chicken. And they told me “ rice is finished , but we have eba”. But I couldn’t eat the eba, so I asked for a bottle of sprite just to fill my stomach. But they said they only have Coke and Fanta. I asked for Seven-up, but they onlyhad Pepsi and warm Mirinda. It was terrible, terrible!
Naijarita : And so you just started killing?
Elizabeth : Well I was hungry and decided to start my shopping on an empty stomach . My friend had told me to get him an Eleganzabiro, but I could only find Bic. I tried to buy Panadol, but they only had unbranded Paracetamol. I asked how I could know that it’s not fake, and they said they don’t know.
I was getting really impatient with these market people, So I called my friend and yelled at him for several minutes. Unfortunately my borrowed Vmobile line ran out of credit during my call. I tried to buy a Vmobile phone card, but the only ones available were MTN and Globacom. Vmobile was “ finished ” according to them. So I couldn’t call my friend immediately, but I really needed to yell at someone. I was losingcontrol at this point.
Then I decided to go to the hospital to see a doctor. They said the doctor was not around . I started yelling at the hospital attendants, so they threw me out. And then a hen and her dozen or so chicks had the audacity to come close to where I was lying after being thrown out of the hospital.
I caught them all, those audacious chickens, and I wrung their necks with my bare hands.I tore them to shreds; with my bare hands I made them pay! They all deserved to die. Youall deserve to die! Hahaha! You annoying Nigerians, I’m gonna wring your necks one by one like this …
Naijarita : Somebody help me!
At this point she grabbed the neck of the interviewer and had to be dragged back to her bed, and strapped in securely. Who says habits of these people called Nigerians can’t turn people mad? The doctors say they have diagnosed her condition but the drug that should be used to treat her is “ not currentlyavailable ” in the pharmacy.
^_^