Ok, recently i was parading about in my room in ma thong..with my small ikebe.....feeling all sexy and all...then my mum walks in on me...see's me wearing a thong....and throws a fit..calls my dad and reports 2 him...that am changing into some wayward lil slut.and my dad accuses me of practicin 'harlotry' in his house...bwahahahaha..Lord help me!!!...so am goin for deliverance with my mum when i get back to lagos before my next session in school starts...
okay so i just tot twas a tad bit funny to b makin a fuss over a thong...so i cooked up a funny trial in my head and thought i'd share it with you all..some of the law terms used might not be correct..cuz m not that conversant with them..its just what ive picked up from my couch potatoe days of watching court drama's on t.v....so bear with me..here it goes..
**********************************************************Theresa Dimkpa ur under arrest for having in possesion some items which seem displeasing to the plaintiff..and for practicn 'harlotry in a house of God...anything u say or do wud be used against u in the court of 'daddy'...
the trial begins.....
All rise!

honorable judge Dimkpa presiding....be seated please.
mrs lawson for the plaintiff
mr deeds for the defence

judge :how does the defendant plead

Theresa :not guilty ur honour.
u may proceed.

mrs lawson :ur honour i'd like to call Theresa to the stand.
(do u miss Theresa. swear to tell the truth...the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help u God)

Theresa: i do

mrs lawson :ms theresa isnt it true that on the 29th of august u were caught by the plaintiff...ur mother...prancing about in an item that u were well aware that she dissaproved of.

Theresa :yes i was..but(cut short by mrs lawson)

mrs lawson:thats all i need to know..and can u please tell the court what this item was

Theresa : a thong

(a loud awww is heard in the court)....

mrs lawson: prior to that fateful day u were caught..were u known to wear thongs

Theresa: i wasnt known to wear them..but i did

mrs lawson :isnt it because uve totally become a way-ward girl...and all uv been doin is purposely to annoy ur mother.

Theresa: no it isnt and i think my mother should get over herself(and i mean no disrespect)
..everything i do is not to scorn her.
(MR DEEDS CROSS EXAMINES LAIDE)

mr deeds :ms theresa isnt it true that u were made to wear thongs because u despised 'VPL'
VPL...meaning visible panty line.

mrs laide :thats very true

mr deeds :because of the way dose full panties cut ur ass in half and made it seem like u had 4 different asses...thereby makin u the butt of all jokes(NO PUN INTENDED)

Theresa: none taken...yes thats true i cudnt take the ridicule anymore..ao i opted for 'VPL' FREE SOLUTION-THONGS.

mrs deeds :u indeed had no intentions of practicing harlotry..as u wer accused of...and weren't aware that ur wearing of thongs wud anger the plaintiff being..mrs dimkpa.

Theresa :yes that is very true..

Mr deeds: did mrs dimkpa ever tell u not to wear thongs,did she ever express her disdain for thongs infront of u?

Theresa :no she never did.

Mr deeds :and i presume u dont have any psychic powers to know what shes thinkin

mrs lawson: objection!

mr deeds :court is adjourned till tomorrow.

******The next day....

mrs lawson :isnt it true that on several occasions u made statements about purchasing g-strings and u were rebuked by mrs dimkpa

theresa: i dont recall

mrs lawson :u dont recall..u dont recall watching a movie with mrs dimkpa and seeing a woman wearing a thong and voicing ur interest in it..and she strongly warned u against.

Theresa :i dnt believe there ever was such a day like dat.

mrs lawson :ms theresa i hope u knw ur under oath.

Theresa :i am very much aware.

mrs lawson :then can u pls tell the court y u refused to let ur mum know ud started wearing thongs if u werent scared of the repercussion.

Theresa: haha...sorry...am 17 years old for crissakes.not friggin 5..goin on 6.i shud be able to buy wat i want witout running to mommy dear.

mrs lawson: isnt it because u knew hw much she hated it

theresa:no i dint

mrs lawson:but u still went on to purchase it..didnt u...because of ur love for 'harlotry'..and because u find pleasure in making ur mother angry...

Theresa: crying)..no no no....i admit it..i had a feeling in my mind that she might have some reservatns about it....but it was for a good cause...ive been suffering with VPL...for a while now and it was too much to bear...
the court wil go on 30mins recess will the jury deliberate on the verdict.

****30mins later....

judge:has the jury reach a verdict?

jury: yes ur honour..we the jury find the defendant guilty on all counts.
for possession of items that are displeasing to mrs dimkpa
and for practicing 'harlotry' in a house of God.

And is sentenced to one week in spiritual rehab(deliverance)and a lifetime of spiritual blackmail by her parents...

hahahha...i know m crazy.i knw i have a wild imagination..its wat kps me alive.

It is said that a teenage girls first problems starts with the first sprouting of her breasts … well not with all teenage girls….but in my case,its so true I was so bent on growing those damned breast that It consumed my world. My grades dropped..i became too distracted…. the one way monologue with my mirror started….with repeated chantings in front of the mirror “ grow, grow, grow dammit..please grow” and id wait for a while.. almost expecting it to grow..like something out of a cartoon..only to be disappointed…at first I wasn’t too bothered..because I wasn’t the only flat-chested female in class…but all of a sudden all my titless counterparts started sporting some bodacious bosoms …and I was left behind and too flat chested to be hung out with or noticed by the boys.. And boy did I crave their attention…I lived for it …i was such an attention whore…and I felt like Ineeded them to notice me to make me feel like I existed.. but somehow in my stupid lil head…I had this idea that growing those breast would somehow get their attention. and so my journey to get those awesome bosoms I’ve long been denied of began…. the battle to fill out those t-shirts began ,id often use cotton wool padding…but somehow they never seem to look like the real thing.

There were all sorts of manipulative suggestions…like get a boy to rub em continuously and it’ll grow in a matter of days …probably made up by sum sick pervertand the number of concotions I was told to drink…I didn’t mind. I had one thing in mind…eye-catching, tongue dropping, supplebosoms…boy do we dream..or have more sex to stimulate hormones….MORE? like I was ever getting any..i tell you there are myriads of reasons for teenage sex these days, its less devils work and more pure ignorance of the challenges of teenagehood…and we girlshave it rougher than the guys.

Sometimes I wonder..if MEN had their manhood on their chests ..and their desirability as males is judged by the length.width.volume…..Can u picture how obsessed they’d be about it?hw distracting itwould be to their development… Obsessed they r already with the thing nicely tucked out of immediate view and accurate judgement…
So skip to six years later..ur finally sporting ur 44 double d’s ,you finally have those pair of bodacious bosoms…that uv always craved..many a time dreamed about….then u begin to attract ur fair share of male attention some of them old, young, rich, poor, married, unmarried, sane, insane…..and then yu begin to realize that in most cases, the reaction would be the same were an orangutan to stand on two’s ,wear a sexy dress, some lipstick..as long as her mamaries are full,young …and oh not forgetting FIRM!!…..ur long quests to grow those breasts seem futile….
I Swear the breasts are mother nature’s cruelest joke on women(the old fart that she is )….i mean for a generation that has never seen a saggy veined breast on television(yeah even though sum of them are purchased)…it kinda makes u feel…a lil self-concious….

Being a teenager is bloody hard.....

HAPPY STRIKING!!!

Dont u just hate it when people(Girls) suddenly remember ur alive only when they need something from u? They only remember ur number when they need some money.... All the while u probably dnt exist... some babe that i have been eyeing for somtime nw bt have refused to eye me back .... just asked me for a couple of bux.... this is someone who half of the time acts like she duznt know me.....and we are supposed to be friends. like she puts it......am really not a stingy person and would give if i could...but the funny thing is am as broke as hell..and i know the only reason she's talking to me is cos she thinks am rolling in dough or she has the so called GIRLS POWER!.... and am gullible to fall for any story she cooks up....which is such an insult to me....

Do i look that dumb? no really do i?

I told her off...quick quick... I mean, why are GIRLS always sooo ARGGGGHHHH! Its almost like they have no shame.... They always want anything and everything from me... Everything but my friendship....always asking for this and that...i mean.... Cant i have a normal conversation with them (some though) without her pestering me for something.... "HENNY(like i'm fondly called. They usually form sweet names from anything), i need bla bla bla"....then i dont hear from them for a month till they needs something else... am tired of girls like that..and am trying to do away with them...kick them to curb,am nobody's fool.
Am not exactly the happisest person on earth right now...but am slowly leaving the valley of sadness...things are happening in my life...sometimes i feel happy and am thinking to my self..."HENNY u just had fun..can u believe it, for a while u were happy".then i feel sorta embarassed..i know its crazy..its almost like i feel ashamed to accept the fact that i was happy...i dont knw if u get what m saying... but i try not to get too excited....its funny....its weird...m weird

It’s either, am pregnant or someone is pregnant is for me because I have been craving some really odd meals at very odd times of the day. Like craving Pounded yam and Onugbu soup *Does that even exist?* by 8:00am and then craving Beans & Garri by 8:12am.
I don’t know what the problem is but I plan to figure it out.

Talking about craving, I’ve heard pregnant women crave/like the oddest things. I once heard about a certain woman whom during pregnancy discovered that she liked the smell of the toilet. So, most of the time; she will sit in the toilet to inhale her favourite smell of all times. Dear God, please let my wife’s pregnant craving be the hatred money.

Last night’s craving was Campus 4 road Akara, fried yam and plantain. I called an okada and headed off to Campus 4
I was jejely buying my Akara when the couple came. He wanted Akara and Yam but she wanted only plantain. He suggested that they buy few slices of yam and more plantain but she said, they should just get plantain and go. After few minutes of English speaking and a little pidgin, they ended up buying N150.000 plantain. He sacrificed his yam for her plantain and she wouldn’t even let him buy a piece for himself.

The event got me thinking about relationships and how much we are willing to give/do to make IT work.
I’ve been in all sorts of relationships *yelz! Axe my mummy* and have also witnessed different ones. Some good, some wonderful and some made in hell.
Recently, I heard about a relationship of 2 years that currently ended and the dude is planning a thanksgiving. He stays in Lagos while she lives in Abuja. During their 2 years relationship, she only slept in his house 3 times because she said she was not comfortable with the fact that he was staying in a single room, self contained.
He would buy her flight ticket from Abuja to Lagos and back, pay for hotel accommodation, Red cab and food. She was not really into the TFC/KFC things; she only loved food associated with countries such as Thailand, China et al.
On his visits to Abuja, he would also pay for a hotel because she stays with her parents.
She never PUSHED for them to use her hotel/flight/Red cab/feeding money to get a bigger apartment for him yet she was just not comfortable staying there.
The dude said he never believed that someone as pretty as her would ever date him so he was eager to do everything to satisfy her needs but I believe they were using his brain as Ludo board in China because that should be the only explanation.

There are tale signs of a Relationship from Hell

A relationship from hell will have you thinking that you always need to make an effort to please your partner. You will always make an excuse for your partner. If he fails to show up, you will say ‘Maybe his car broke down’. You are constantly NEVER relaxed because you do not want to do anything out of place.
How do you explain a relationship where you are constantly taking her and her roommates out every time you invite her out?
There are relationships that will force the man to keep borrowing to maintain the lifestyle of their partners. She wants to go on vacation 6 times in one year and her only contribution is “her availability”. Mbanu!!!

Some ladies behave like they are using their head as “wash hand bowl ” in restaurants in Enugu. They are so eager to marry that they are “trying” to make it work with the dude that only leaves the house 5:30pm everyday to play football and can tell you everything showing on E¡.
We all know when we are in an unhealthy relationship and in case you don’t know, if you are currently trying too hard to make it work, then you are probably in one.

I’m not saying you should not assist, satisfy or provide for your partner, do this only because you can afford to and not necessarily as a means to be accepted in a relationship.

I don’t know about you but I think life is too short to be eating only Plantain.

*shoutout to Mr NOBs Igwe!*

Now that i have ur attention.....ok am sorry..am sorry i had to lure u into reading my blog thinking u were going to read some really juicy story....only to read about the goings on in my non-existence boring life...
Have u ever had this dream where ur falling from a cliff....and once u hit the ground u actually feel it...or ur at this very important function and then u take a look at urself and ur naked. And everyone just stares...i have dose dreams all the time..... am not spared embarassing moments even in my dreams.... Sometimes i wonder y i even bother with this whole blogging tin. But i just cant help it..ive had a journal since i was twelve...writing so much irrelevant nonsense..when i look thru them lately..i just laff and wonder if there really was a time i was dis...stoopid or jobless....and then i found wordpress [i say it like i fell in luv].....well maybe i did!! m bored stiff..i had alot to say...alot to pour out..to release..its a shame i cant remember adamn thing now...its just blank..i checked my fone...turns out i have like 240 numbers half of the people i dont even know....when last did i call somebody up...people am sorry..but am broke...am not stingy...i'd call if i could...but na condition wey make crayfish bend.yu undastnd!

In other word, i am bored! Haw many times have i said that?? Okbye!

When Elizabeth Grimm arrived in Nigeria, shedidn’t expect to end up in a lunatic asylum after taking 14 innocent lives. We decided to interview her to find out what would push a self-respecting young European tourist to dowhat she did.
Naijarita : Hello Elizabeth. How are you doingtoday?
Elizabeth : meow!
Naijarita : Can you tell us what happened when you went shopping last week?
Elizabeth : I killed them … all. Strangled them with my bare fists. Grrrr!
Naijarita : Why did you kill them? Did they hurt you?
Elizabeth : I woke up in the morning and I said to myself. I’m going shopping today . Myfriend gave me a list of places to go, and I went shopping. I just wanted to shop but see where I am today! Nigeria sure is great. Hahaha!
Naijarita : Can you tell me exactly what happened during your shopping?
Elizabeth : First I went to a fast food joint, because I wanted to have ice cream and cake before going shopping. But there were so many people … And so I waited; waited tillit was my turn and I asked her for ice-cream and cake. But she told me there was “ no more ice cream “, so I stormed out angrily saying “how can you not have ice cream in this hot weather?”
Then I went to a ‘buka’ to buy rice and chicken. And they told me “ rice is finished , but we have eba”. But I couldn’t eat the eba, so I asked for a bottle of sprite just to fill my stomach. But they said they only have Coke and Fanta. I asked for Seven-up, but they onlyhad Pepsi and warm Mirinda. It was terrible, terrible!
Naijarita : And so you just started killing?
Elizabeth : Well I was hungry and decided to start my shopping on an empty stomach . My friend had told me to get him an Eleganzabiro, but I could only find Bic. I tried to buy Panadol, but they only had unbranded Paracetamol. I asked how I could know that it’s not fake, and they said they don’t know.
I was getting really impatient with these market people, So I called my friend and yelled at him for several minutes. Unfortunately my borrowed Vmobile line ran out of credit during my call. I tried to buy a Vmobile phone card, but the only ones available were MTN and Globacom. Vmobile was “ finished ” according to them. So I couldn’t call my friend immediately, but I really needed to yell at someone. I was losingcontrol at this point.
Then I decided to go to the hospital to see a doctor. They said the doctor was not around . I started yelling at the hospital attendants, so they threw me out. And then a hen and her dozen or so chicks had the audacity to come close to where I was lying after being thrown out of the hospital.
I caught them all, those audacious chickens, and I wrung their necks with my bare hands.I tore them to shreds; with my bare hands I made them pay! They all deserved to die. Youall deserve to die! Hahaha! You annoying Nigerians, I’m gonna wring your necks one by one like this …
Naijarita : Somebody help me!
At this point she grabbed the neck of the interviewer and had to be dragged back to her bed, and strapped in securely. Who says habits of these people called Nigerians can’t turn people mad? The doctors say they have diagnosed her condition but the drug that should be used to treat her is “ not currentlyavailable ” in the pharmacy.
^_^

It all started with an innocent trip down to the video club to rent the movie "crash" for my mother,who wanted to see it after it was featured on Oprah. Somehow she cudnt watch it that day...which was the day before yesterday, so she decided to wait till the next day..which was yesterday... (keep up people keep up)...
Okay so its the next day and i see the movie case and the tape is nowhere to be found so i just assume its in the DVD... Big mistake...i tot maybe my uncles had qatched it the night before and left it there.(oh yes they watched sumthing all right...but it wasnt crash). So i pressed play and hurry off to get something to munch on before the movie starts. And then i hear the screams, it was my moms, it was almost deafening and am thinking... only two things could produce such a screamfeast..... a black cat secretly popped out of nowhere and suddenly turned into one of her sisters or she saw paris hlton's on t.v again and turned into one of her sisters....darn it!!!!.so i hurry off to see what was wrong...i wasnt prepared for what i saw...then and there i knew my mom would be scarred for life..she just kept screaming hendrix! Hendrix!.. switch it off..switch it off...jesus! jesus!..and the everpopular "Chukwuabiamabiko!!!!"... which has diffrent meanings depending on the situation and am assuming this time it meant "WORRA FUCK IS THIS"..... she just kept screaming and made me even more confused....i was pressing the wrong remote control....it was crazy i finally just unplugged the DVD.... damn was she worn out....u would be if u were her age and saw what she saw.and u can be sure twasnt the teletubbies.... although id scream like that if i was made to watch the teletubbies and the remote control was out of my reach.. ..but thats a whole other show...
It was a PORN movie...and it wanst ur regular guy and girl porn movie..no it wasnt. that wud have been easier to swallow. (no pun intended).. it was two girls and a dildo....yesiree!!!...use ur freaking imagination..just dont get to the point where u start liking it. guys guys! its okay now....
Anyways she calms down and she's like
hendrix! so this is what ur watching in this house and am like
"who me?"
she's like
"yes u"
and m like
"it cudnt be"
and she's like
"then who"
one of ur pervertedBrothers and Brother -in-law put the porn in the DVD...lol
ok m justkiddin...am like...i wasnt the one...i had nothing to do with the tape...i dont get down likedat..and she asks me to call my uncles... I already know the culprit, i found his secret stash some weeks back..but my momma dint raise no snitch...so the inquiry started..who owns that tape.
...Silence....
Everyone starts looking at each other...and i know am the most likely suspect..heaven knows why
..Everybody hates HENDRIX..
So am waiting for one of them to own up but, no one says anything.. And she's getting pissed..
She's like"after all the deliveranc e uv all gone for,, someone is still watchng this in my house?? Then the usual ''ur father must see this" and i know if i dnt act fast ill be going for deliverance for the rest of my life...and then i come up with this not so Briliant but briliant idea then. So am like "oh i remember ..mr Andrew (our driver). gave me the tape to dub a match some days back....i actually forget but i recognise the tape... and she gives me the do-u-think-i-was-born-yesterday-look. but that was my story and i was sticking with it...and my brothers backed me up on it...and shes like..no problem when the driver comes on monday we'll ask him..we'll get to the bottom of this..
Well, am afraid i just cost the poor driver his job. hopefully the culprits will figure out sumthing before monday....or else.and in big trouble.we all are.

*ps.* Sorry for the bad puntuation and all, i'm typing with ma phone *winks*

But seriously, Porn sucks..its gross i cant believe people watch it...! How do i know?? Well i just know...havnt watched it before i swear*coughs*liar*coughs...
ok only once..curiousity got the best of me..and it was GROSS...as i was saying porn is gross...but if u still feel like u need to watch it...hey go ahead..watever rocks ur boat..but pls.hide it properly pls....keep it away from plain view...keep it under ur mattress or sumthn...dont leave it lying around..or this could happen to u.
so till next time take care of ur self and each other...

jerry! jerry! jerry!
oops rong show.

I sooo missed being a child right now! Its been like 20years already! Wow! How time flies. You know, now everybody expects you to take things serious no fun and cool things are allowed any more from you. You cant make jokes with things that normally are funny, some so called trends wont allow you to eat, wear or drink anyhow.

You know, GONE ARE THOSE DAYS
• when Choco Milo was the best chocolate ever.

• During Christmas where we all looked forward to wearing our mama- tie- me -for back
dresses and mother care socks. With the suit, glasses and that big tie

• I miss the days of Christmas when we take food to our
neighbors and they gave us money in exchange

• The days of Christmas when we dress up, wear our cute outfits and visit family and friends one after the other

• Days when birthday parties were fun. Cake and red jollof rice

• I miss having to play mumy and daddy,

• The days when we went to school , lined up and the
headmistress and teachers inspect our nails and uniform
and then we march to our classrooms

• The days of “papilo, I know say one day, you go make us
proud”

• The days of Computer Socks! YoU Remember na??

• The days of rashidi yekini, Daniel omokachi, Sunday oliseh, peter rufai, etc

• The days where only one person in that neighbourhood had that round phone and neighbours had to come receive calls in one’s house

• The days of Nasco Biscuit, Trebor, Okin Round and Okin Four Corner.

• The days of Goody-Goody and Kpako Biscuit.

• The days of We have Food and we can Eat in Primary School then.

• those days that b4 every tv station begins @6:00am yuu will be hearing beeeeeeeeee.. lmao

• The days of sakobi the snake girl, Nneka the pretty serpent, Igodo, Living in bondage, Sharon stone

• The days of Canter Ball, Kolo, four pose and Others

== Ha I miss those days.!!!!!!

*From Last Post*
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

*Continued*
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out hadbecome an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in myarms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The sales girl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion,the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

*END*
^_^

When i first saw this on the internet a while back, i was literally crying. *Assin ehn water comot for my eyes* i have had this on my laptop and have read it 1001 times and i still get the same feelings.
If you havnt read this before, you should now, cos it's a real SUPER STORY.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleepand fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

*TO BE CONTINUED*

Have you ever wondered why Girls especially will always accept to be ''Apakolyzed by there 'EX'??
Have you ever wondered why married men and women still cannot resist that one guy they dated far back in the uni??

Ladies and GentleBabes, i bring you...
Okafor's Law of Congodynamics
C 1 P = C ∞

It states that once a Congo has been shined once (C 1 ) , it can always be shined (C ∞ ) provided it was shined properly ( P) the previous times.(emphasis on properly). In other words, "....a woman once knacked, can be reknacked..."
Just like we say "water finds its level"
Which is not exactly how Achimedes narrated his contemplation, of all things floatation.
In scientific circles, opinion is divided as to whether it is actually a law or just a hypothesis. There is a large body of evidence to suggest that it is a law but there are others who think it is merely a hypothesis and does not take into account other variables such as M (marital status), O(opportunity) and F (Financial status) of either one or both of the parties.

In lay-mans term what the above jargons simply mean is dat.
A hole once drilled, drilled properly even when closed up can always be found and can be drilled forever'
if u have been involved with a girl for a period of time and did a good job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in..), the belief is that u can always go to the girl at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover, etc..)

Now, who believes this to be true?

It's been ages i wrote to you last, not my fault honey. I've been making plans on how to take perfect care of you.
But here I am, thinking about you again and wondering if you’re thinking about me. I have come to the point where I am finally starting to give up striving and trying to make my own plans and my own timing work. I am starting to learn to rest my mind and my heart in God’s plan and His timing. As the name of the book I just got in the mail says, I Gave God Time. That’s all He needs to pull off the biggest miracles– time.
So I pray that your heart is at rest. That you are comfortable where you are and not striving like I have been most of my life. I pray your heart is captured and captivated by Jesus andthat you are so enamored and enraptured by His love for you that He becomes everything to you and every other thing in your life falls back into its proper place.
I pray that you are fully coming alive to all that God made you to be. That you know where your beauty comes from and that you treasure your femininity as a gift from God. I pray that your loveliness comes from a Christ-filled countenance and a heart full of compassion and kindness.
I pray that your heart is being set free to love. That all your fears and insecurites are driven away in the face of the Prince of peace, and that peace will rule your heart and mind. I pray you look at every heartache and heartbreak as a means of molding you into the woman who will completely dazzle me.
Waiting is hard, but the longer the wait, the more we will treasure finding each other. I can’t wait to be your husband and do all I can to be apart of unveiling your true beauty for the world to see. I am waiting for that day, letting God transform me into the man you deserve.
Until then, take courage, dear heart. The night seems long but dawn is just around the corner. Hold on.
And be sure to hear from me again.

Your Future Husband,
Hendrix.

Ok people. Let’s have a bit of fun.
Sometime in school, I saw a very pretty lady that I would have loved to hang out with sometime but for the 10 minutes or so she spent at the reading hall, I couldn’t come up with a smart conversation starter.
I know some of us have faced the same situation in the past, so let’s help each other. Share with us the best conversation starter/pick up line you ever used or had used on you. Let’s make it all fun and who knows…we may learn a thing or two.
Use the comment box, express yourselves… WHAT HE SAID !

Well here's one that worked for me once. “Hi, I know the first 3 digits of ur cell phone number. 080. Would u be nice enough to give me the rest?”

Jay Z also in a new song titled - Glory, revealed very personal details about his and Beyonce's struggles to have a child. He rapped about Blue being conceived in Paris and Beyonce once having a miscarriage. Continue to read lyrics from the song...
Reference to Beyonce's Miscarriage
"Last time the miscarriage was so tragic/we was afraid you disappeared/but nah baby you magic."
Reference to the trouble they had conceiving Blue Ivy:
"False alarms and false starts/all made better by the sound of your heart/all the pain of thelast time/I prayed so hard it was the last time."
Reference to Beyonce's stories about Blue Ivy moving inside her belly:
"You're momma said you dance for her."
Reference to Blue Ivy looking like her daddy King Hov and her mother King Bey:
"A pinch of Hov/a whole glass of Bey."
Reference to his own father, not being a father:
"Your grandpop died a n*gga failure/then he died of liver failure."
Reference to Blue Ivy looking like her daddy King Hov:
"Wicked ass little Bey/hard not to spoil you rotten looking like a little me."
Reference to Blue Ivy being conceived in Paris:
"You don't yet know what swag is/but you was made in Paris/and momma woke up thenext day/and shot her album package."
Reference to R&B singer Aaliyah's untimelydeath:
"So there you have it/sh*t happens/make sure the plane you on/is bigger than your carry on baggage."

Nigeria First Lady Releases Another Bomb!!

It has been known that Our Dear GoodLuck Jonathan Wife- Our First lady is Always on the Front page of the Newspaper Promoting AsoEnglish. This morning she has release another bomb! And the Newspaper Love herfor it!
Did the First Lady ever pass her English Language Exam? She should start a Foundation on how to improve English Language in Nigeria i bet all Nigerians will love her for it.
"President GoodLuck Jonathan did not Eaten Since Morning, What about You? Did you Eat-en since the Fuel subsidy trauma began?"

Official Video of the smash hit single Ara (Wonders) from Chocolate City by Brymo ( Ibrahim ashimi Olawale ) the video was shot on location in Lagos Nigeria and directed by Aje Filmworks


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_bq1F9hV8g&rel=0&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3]




yall can http://tooxclusive.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/BrymoAratooXclusive.3gp

Dear future wife,

I don’t know if you are out here or reading this right now! If you are, please print this letter and bring it to our wedding reception. It will make a good read before our guests.

They say behind every successful man is a woman. I’ll like to say that behind every successful man is a good woman because I’ve seen men that have shut down their businesses because they got involved with the wrong woman. I want to be successful and I need to find you right now more than ever.

You may not know how much I need you but I come home every night with stories that I would love to share with someone special. I come home late from class sometimes wishing you’d be in bed waiting for me to hug your warm body. Your slot in my life is so empty it hurts because I know you are out there without me.

I’ve often imagined how you look. Are you dark or fair in complexion? Are you Igbo, Yoruba or Hausa? I play around with different images in my head but one thing stands out, I know you are very curvy.

Mum can’t wait to meet you and believe me, sometime ago she wanted to hook me up with a certain Ada from my village but that didn’t work. Since we are taking about mum, I’ve always prayed for a marriage where mum and my wife would be best friends. I’ll do everything possible to make sure that mum treats you like her daughter. This I promise you.

I still don’t know why I’m writing you but I guess I was motivated by Waje’s new song “Falling” especially the part that says “If you are ever planning on showing up, now would be perfect, now would be good”. I totally agree with her that now would be perfect. I‘ve waited for long and I need to start loving you on time.

I’ve booked my tattoo date because I promise to tattoo your name on my back the day I’ll propose to you. I’m not scared of having your name on my back because when I see you, I’ll know and I promise never to leave you.

No matter where we are, we must speak to each other every day at noon and have lunch once every week when we are in the same city.

I’ll tattoo your initials on my “wedding ring” finger as a constant reminder to all that I belong to you totally and in whole. I’ve gone as far as selecting some of our special songs.

On our wedding day, when you walk into the church, we’ll have Waje signing,  “Here comes the bride” and just after the exchange of vows, Waje will do an accappela of “One Naira”.

We’ll walk into the reception with Lami performing “Know“

Our first dance together as husband and wife should be Banky W’s “Till my dying day”

followed by Darey‘s “With this woman“

then MI’s “God Bless You”

and we’ll round our dance up with Wande Coal’s “Ololufe”.

I know I’m making all these plans without considering you but I’ll be willing to change all or accept any modifications from you even though I pray you love them too.

Is it okay if I tell you certain things about me? I can’t have my bath with cold water. I hate hot tea. I’m not particular about food; I can eat Indomie, fried egg and plantain, 3 times a day for one month without complaining. I watch loads of movies and would totally be glad if you enjoy same.

Nkem, I don’t know what you don’t like but I’m totally against hairnet and wrapper. I can’t stand both either in the kitchen or in the bedroom. We’ll invest in hair wraps. I would have said that the maximum cloth size you are allowed to get to is 10 but that may sound superficial to other people reading this, so I’ll just leave that for us to discuss one on one.

I’m Igbo(delta ibo actually) and we take care of our wives. I’ll work hard to make sure you don’t go hungry for one day till your dying day. I’ll let you decide the number of kids we’ll have but I don’t think 3 kids will be bad and together we can make a happy family of five.

It’s 08:00pm Thursday April 14^th, 2011 and I know you are somewhere out there and it does not matter if you are in another man’s arms, when I do meet you, I promise never to let you go. I promise to take care of you, provide you with all the reasonable good things of life that money can buy. If you are reading this, please give me a sign. Walk up to me on the street and plant a hot kiss on my lips as a sign.

I look forward to the day I’ll meet you and when I meet you it does not matter where we’ve been to or who we’ve been with, we will give each other clean slates to start life afresh together as one.

Someday I’ll go on my right knee with All 4 One‘s “I Swear“ playing in the background and I’ll ask you to marry me.

When we wake up in the morning, we’ll have Az Yet’s “Last Night” on repeat while we have breakfast.

I’ll write you from time to time to express how much you mean to me.

Love, hugs and tiny wet kisses,

Your future husband,

Hendrix

Goodluck Jonathan, the soft spoken President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria has become the most cursed President ever on facebook following his removal of fuel subsidy in Nigeria. What makes this a world record is because the curses are coming from his own fans.
Before the April 2011 election and immediately thereafter, Jonathan enjoyed a steady out-pour of affection from Nigerians. Some of his fans on facebook in fact could not restrain their love for him that very many of their comments bothered on share sycophancy, the type that has come to permanently define the Nigeria political space.




^hman^

It’s been a wonderful 2011. A year in which the most amazing things and also“ not too good ” things have happened. A year in which I cried my heart out, had the worst heartache, toothache, buttache(u knw the rest) and also had the silliest fights. A year in which someone special gave me a reason to smile again, a year in which I met the most amazing girl(cough).

I hope that the magical things of this year would be doubled and happen in year 2012 for us all. Amen.

And I pray the bad things leave with this year and yeah my bad habits too. Amen.

I have written a list containing my new year resolution. Well, it’s no news that most of us write this list and stop following what is in it in 2nd of January. Me, I try to follow my resolutions till 3rd. But it’s not easy I tell U.

Anyway, I have written a list for the year 2012 and I intend to force myself to follow this one.

1. I intend to love God more; go to church more often, force myself to stay till the end of the service and try apreciate the church girls((i dont like church girls).

2. I intend to be closer to my family; i have not been the best brother(most senior at that)

3. I intend to read my anatomy, biochem physio and histology text books more. And leave the internet(i knw it wont be easy, bt i'll try)

4. I intend to stick to make more male friends and reduce the size of my female friends *side eye*

5. I intend to dash my small single male friends girlfriends by force; Tobi this is your year.Gaga, Emeka, Yinka, Gabriel..... Come to think of it all my male friends re single. *Moving on*

6. I intend to make more money off my parent. I hope he don’t get to read this though. Don’t blame me please i barely ask them for things, but they always insist i do. So imma just grab while I can.

7. I intend to have more fun (whatever you like u can say to this one). But I have realised it’s the best way to exercise the heart, mind and soul. You think I’m wrong? Try it. (And this isn’t for under 18 readers o!)

8. I intend to grow my hair more. I might even weave it at some point.

9. I intend to put an end to my coke and gala attitude and put on weight. Well i av been intimidated a lot. A tiny bird told me i lost MR ASSON cos i was how i was* i av no idea what this means*

10. I intend to

resolution

, write a book or two. Maybe a biography who knows.

11. I intend to put smiles on more people’s faces. And for my special one, I intend to make her feel like the most special girl on planet earth.*winks*

12. I intend to move around more, maybe travel outside Nigeria at some point.

13. I intend to SAY NO TO

*STAYING INDOORS

* biting my finger( i knw i cant keep to this)

*Maltreating my Dog(promise to feed it 5times daily)

This is my list of resolutions for now. Hopefully, I’ll find more and add to it before 12am January 1, 2012.

I wish y’all a prosperous new year IJN. Amen