Last year at about this time, I wrote a list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2012.

Do you ever go back to your list from last year and check on whether you followed through on your resolutions, or whether you forgot about them the moment you put your pen down?

I realised that with all my talk about New Year’s resolutions, I hadn’t gone back to check last year’s list. I got brave and dug it up this week; the following is a report on how I did at keeping my promises! I also make new resolutions for 2013.

1. I intend to love God more; go to church more often,force myself to stay till the end of the service and try appreciate the church girls((i don't like church girls).
< Partially Done. I didn't love God more (unfortunately) but I made friends with lots of church girls(which is all good)

2. I intend to be closer to my family; i have not been the best brother(most senior at that)
< Errr I don't know about this one.

3. I intend to read my anatomy, biochem physio and histology text books more. And leave the internet(i knw it wont be easy, bt i’ll try)
< Done bt partially again. I didn't leave the internet

4. I intend to stick to make more male friends and reduce the size of my female friends *side eye*
< Partially done again. Drastically reduced my female friend database bt I didn't make more male friends

5. I intend to dash my small single male friends girlfriends by force; Tobi this is your year. Gaga, Emeka, Yinka, Gabriel….. Come to think of it all my male friends re single. *Moving on*
<There was no point.

6. I intend to make more money off my parent. I hope he don’t get to read this though. Don’t blame me please i barely ask them for things, but they always insist i do. So imma just grab while I can.
< I was touched by the holy spirit(moving on)

7. I intend to have more fun (whatever you like u can say to this one). But I have realised it’s the best way to exercise the heart, mind and soul. You think I’m wrong? Try it. (And this isn’t for under 18 readers o!)
<I sure had more fun last year.

8. I intend to grow my hair more. I might even weave it at some point.
< I DID!!!!

9. I intend to put an end to my coke and gala attitude and put on weight. Well i av been intimidated a lot. A tiny bird told me i lost MR ASSON cos i was how i was*i av no idea what this means*
< I did stop the coke and Gala bt I didn't gain weight

10. I intend to write a book or two. Maybe a biography who knows.
< I did. Never completed any though

11. I intend to put smiles on more people’s faces. And for my special one, I intend to make her feel like the most special girl on planet earth.*winks*
< I did make her feel special but she didn't return the favour

12. I intend to move around more, maybe travel outside Nigeria at some point.
< Moved around a lot! Went to ghana too.

13. I intend to SAY NO TO
*STAYING INDOORS *check

* biting my finger( i knw i cant keep to this) *failed

*Maltreating my Dog(promise to feed it 5times daily) < he died (╥_╥)

I have added more that I hope to keep to in 2013 in addition to the ones I didn't complete last year.


*. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
*. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
*. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
*. I will think of a password other than "password."
*. I will not tell the same story at every get together.
*. I won't worry so much.
*. I will cut my hair.
*. I will grow my hair.
*. I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
*. I will be more imaginative.
*. I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.

ADIOS!!
Happy New Year!

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What I intend now to say is… is… is… I loved you truly; I liked your smile, your laugh, and your beautiful black glistening eyes, I liked the curl of your hair, I liked the touch of your soft skin, I liked your sexy voice(NT the fake ones), and I liked your smell, too… I liked everything about you … But you
broke my heart, You… You… You… broke my heart!

You broke the heart of the greatest Anatomist of 21st century, you shall never be forgiven for that, mind you!

Tell you what. [What?] Since the time you left me,I’ve realized that I’m a good-looking man with whom many girls want to spend time. You see, love is really blind for it blinded me and I could see no one but you and only you. But, now my eyes are wide open, and I’ve awakened from the deep slumber of your bitter love.

Have you lost your mind? Seriously, when we first met, I thought you were the one I had been waiting for my whole life. Now, I don’t know what I was thinking.

I let you into my life… I shared everything I had with you. You had nothing. Everything that was mine helped you make you who you are today. Oh, how we forget so easily. You’ve let others come between us. I know I never had any money, but you didn’t have to go shack up with the richest guy around the first chance you got.

BTW How is your new love? Caught a big fish this time, eh? Hope you’ve told him that you would love him till the end of your life just like you told me once. This perhaps you’ve said to gazillion of other guys foolish enough to have fallen for you. Tell me; what magic spell did you whisper this time?

Did you give him all those nicknames by which you used to call me: My baby, honey,my darling, etcetera, and etcetera?

Hope your new love is from a wealthy family, unlike me. I’m sure he can take you to expensive theatre and buy popcorn for you every now and then; buy you weav-ons, make-up, slippers, buy ice-cream for you as and when you demand.

I’ve tried everything, letting you have more than you could’ve ever hoped for. I let you into my heart. You learned my deepest secrets, and then you used them all against me. How dare you?! How could I have been so stupid?

Yes, we fought a lot. Sometimes, it was my fault. Sometimes, it was yours. But you go around telling everyone you’re always the victim, that I was the one “terrorising” you. What a liar! How many times have I let you humiliate me around other people? Yet I kept telling everyone we were going to work everything out. Boy, was I wrong.

Do warn your new love not to glance at any other girls passing by; let him behave as saintly as possible. He should receive the same treatment as I did. Now, I have known being possessive is your birthright and known that ‘possessiveness’ is a word solely reserved for you; don’t worry, I’ll never interfere in your matters as you’re not mine anymore, but for sure you can interfere with my life as much as you want, for I’m still slightly yours.

I’ve learnt to let anger live and die within me without letting it outburst (thanks to the anger management book I’ve read recently), I can now swallow my anger for I’ve known the outcome of a decision one makes while one is angry is always devastating. However, don’t think that I want you back. No, no, I don’t.

I’m the only one who has made any sacrifices for this relationship. I go around telling everyone I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. You pretend like I don’t even exist.

We’ve tried to reconcile many times. I even agreed to things I knew were bad for me, just to see if it would work out. I’ve never known how to say no to you. You’ve had a hold on me. But no more! I’m moving on.

From now on, I don’t want anything to do with you. And by the way, I got your letter saying that you wanted me to profess my love for you in front of everyone. What nerve! When you start admitting that you did me wrong, then we’ll talk about that kind of stuff.

But I’ll tell you something right now. If we don’t end up together, I hope you at least don’t put anyone else through what I had to endure. It just makes me so mad. I see you making all these mistakes, and I’m afraid you won’t realize it until it’s too late and you’re all alone.

But you know what? If that happens, you deserve it.
I tried to warn you, just accept me for who I am. Don’t try to change me. I’ll always be the person you fell for: fiery, protective, passionate, and full of love. How could you have not seen it all this time? We could’ve had something special, if you didn’t go and screw it all up.

You’re so full of yourself, thinking you’re so perfect, thinking you never do anything wrong. Take a look in the mirror. All of this is your fault. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS OPEN YOUR HEART ..... AND SHARE A LITTLE..Go figure out your problems on your own. We’ll see if you can do it without me! Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t e-mail me. I can’t wait to change my Facebook relationship status. Just stay out of my life! Fuck you,

P.S Flaunting your new boyfriend in my face shows you stupidity level. You and I know how twill end.

"I Want To Forgive You, And I Want To Forget You."

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An Open Letter to Arsenal Players by a Young Lady Goonerette (Fridah Kariuki)

Dear Arsenal players,
I use the word ‘dear’ because I love Arsenal and also because you are an expensive lot to support.
Supporting you has not been easy. I will start by informing you of how hard it is for a female football fan in a third world country where the notion is not widely accepted labelling me ‘weird’. It comes with insecurity as I can’t watch the game in the house. It is harsh on my pocket (I am unemployed by the way) as I have to buy a drink at the sports bar.

Don’t forget the time difference and I do love my sleep. It is also not good for my heart because when you lose or draw, I get these mini heart attacks that I am afraid may become the big one that will be the end of me p.s. I am only in my 20s. Despite all these factors, I do my best to watch you, to support you, to defend you, to be proud of you and love you lose, draw or win.

You’re playing worse every day and right now you’re playing like the middle of next week.
I am hating this relationship as you do not give as you receive. So here is what I want from each you… and it’s not much to ask:

Dear Wojo,
I appreciate the work you do. However, sometimes your positioning is so poor I am tempted to send you a compass. Your confidence is great but sometimes it borders on cockiness and at times it is not there. Balance that! Thank you.

Dear Sagna,
You have developed to one of the best right backs in the game,if not the best. Of late however,your game has been off. Please go back to the old you and send those crosses in. Stick to your name… Mr.Reliable.

Dear Jenko,
Your game has brilliantly improved it seems like a miracle. I trust you would do anything for your boyhood team so please improve your ball distribution skills and pass the ball quicker. Thank you.

Dear Per,
I love the way you play. You have saved the team lots. I would like to ask you to improve your pace but that needs a miracle. You can however use your great vision to organise the defence i.e. be more vocal. Also,use your good distribution skills to start attacking faster.
Danke.

Dear Koscielny,
You have been great since your arrival and you have improved. However, you get sloppy at times. Please be consistent.

Dear Vermaelen,
Captain,your confidence has been low and this has badly affected your performance. You were made a leader because you have the qualities. I need you to believe in yourself and your teammates and get out of the hole the team is in. Also, please go back to scoring. Thank you.

Dear Gibbs,
You have been great so far. You could improve on your crossing ability though. In the spirit of teamwork, please teach your teammates how to do sliding tackles. Thanks.

Dear Arteta,
I know you are playing a new role this season. This means you have to be more careful with your tackles (talk to Gibbs). Also, try to pass forward and less sideways and backwards. Lastly, SHOOT. You used to.
Why did you stop?
P.S. I love your hair.

Dear Jack,
Your vision,accuracy and strength amaze me. However, your temper is horrible. Nobody needs your temper,so don’t lose it. Also shoot more often. Thank you.

Dear Aaron,
I am one of your few genuine fans. I believe you can prove your haters wrong if only you didn’t hold the ball too long and just played simple touches. Also improve your crossing and defending. Thanks.

Dear Gervais,
You have the ability to get past defenders but your final touch…my oh my! Please pass or shoot quicker. Basically, think and make your decision faster. Thanks.

Dear Santi,
You have been amazing since your arrival. Amazing and just fun to watch. Lethargy has creeped into your performance crippling it. That
is EPL for you. Get a massage, relax and play. Thank you.

Dear Diaby,
Please stop getting injured. That is all. Thanks.

Dear Rosicky,
Glad to have you back. Please steer a come back. Thank you…
Oh and don’t get injured.

Dear Podolski,
Thank you for the goals and assists so far. During matches please stop acting like a ghost and disappearing. Fight for the ball…look for
the ball hard. Also shoot more often. Thanks.

Dear Theo,
You have been sensational and deadly so far. Please improve your 1st touch and timing of runs. Thanks.
P. S. Sign da ting.

Dear Ox,
So far I can’t complain much but please stop disappearing during matches and also track back when you lose possession. Thanks.

Dear Giroud,
I am glad that you started scoring. Now,please continue. Enoùgh said. Merci.

Yes I know our relationship is long distance but I am loyal to you so be loyal to me. Just make me happy.
COYG.
Yours truly,
Suffering fan.

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Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.

I’m writing this with the hope that a part of it will make sense at the end of the day but if it ends up making no sense, please forgive me.

While waiting for my mum & younger sis to tidy up their facelift, random thoughts kept crossing my mind and for some reason I started thinking about my first kiss.

I know some people reading this had their first kiss planned while some of you cannot even remember their first kiss.

Talking about kisses, I’m still trying to understand the logic behind -

“ I’ll rather sleep with you than kiss you ”

- as preached by some ladies. I can understand your first kiss but not that it would be easier to get wet, smash Okafor and very difficult to exchange less than a teaspoon of saliva with him. Some say-

‘ kissing is very emotional ’ and sex isn’t??

- Anyways, let’s get back to rambling about my first kiss and how special it was. Growing up was an endless party featuring a long list of father's brother uncle aunty child (you get the picture) coming to stay with us most times for holiday before they eventually turn out to be permanent resident house helps.... Edom (due to privacy we'll call her Edom. I think you'll get the picture clearly if we paint her as calabar) played the lead role.

I can’t remember the entire "house helps" by name but Edom’s name will forever be etched in my memory as the young girl with boobs the size of pawpaw cultivated in a very fertile land in Isele-uku.

Each house help came, stayed for a while and left but Edom stayed the longest.
I didn’t know much about boobs then but most men in my neighbourhood had special interest in Edom but instead of returning same to them, Edom was very interested in me.

It all started a certain night, I was sleeping in the living room when Edom came to wake me so she could take me back to my room but when she realised that we were the only people in the living room, Edom brought her boobs, put it in my mouth and asked me to suck on them one after the other. I didn’t see anything wrong in that so it continued and with the promise of biscuit treats (Not Hob Nobs) and Coke(yes that's why I'm an addict) it became an almost every day affair.

Edom used my mouth on her boobs so much that I used to dream of them boobs at night. I didn’t complain to anybody because in my young eyes I didn’t see anything wrong with it and I also did not want to stop the flow of the extra biscuits and coke.

Please before I digress any further, this is a story about my first kiss and not boobs.

Where did I stop again?

Ehen. So in some cases, I will purposely stay back in the living room so that Edom can come get me and give the usual dose of boobs before taking me to my room to sleep. Everything was special until one weekend when my parents travelled to isele-uku and left us in the care of Edom. Unlike other days, Edom asked my younger ones to go to bed early and when she returned from putting my younger ones to bed. She said we were going to try something totally different. (To Be Continued)
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Hahahahahaha I kid....okay sorry....

That night, instead of asking me to suck on her, she asked me to use my fingers to twist her nipples like a knob and that was when it happened. Edom, grabbed me by my head and stuck her entire tongue down my throat. Looking back now, it wasn’t the best first kiss but it was my first kiss.

I know you are wondering if we stopped at kissing, well, someday I’ll share my first time. Feel free to share your first time with us in the comment box.


PS: If you lack a sense of humour... PLEASE Regard The Above Story AS PURLY FICTIONAL!!!

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E don tey wey dis Tortoise dey over-do; None of the other animals dey gbadun his cruise/

He no get RESPECT, him always dey rude.. if you and Tortoise do RUNZ he must surely cheat you/

God come send all the birds invitation___ talk say party dey for heaven for December/
Na HIM Tortoise come use Agidi as an Elder, come TAX all the Birds, one, one feather.

You go Fear now?__ me I no dey LIE! __ abi you never see Tortoise wey dey Flyy for broad-day light??

The food na DIEE! Shayo was excess/ Tortoise come dey prove say him no really get sense/
He dey Run him mouth; dey Yarn nonsense/ Na soo all the Birds come begin VEX/

So when him dey sleep/dey come collect their Feather/
Then left HIM there and flew back to the Zanga

Tortoise come send his wife BBM message___
“I wan Jump from Heaven; Bring Mattress”
Trust Network Nauuu…. She no get the message……………………………………../

So the Tortoise Fell to the ground and Broke his shell

THAT’S MY STORY AND I’M STICKING TO IT…

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I know how you feel but I can’t force myself to Love you.
Days gone by, trying to be real. Let’s not even argue.

You See, I’ve tried & tried but I cannot deny the feeling is not the same for you.
See, I can’t live a lie, you go find another guy who will go insane for you.

Say that you love me, I don't feel the same.
Not what we once were, You distinguished our flame.

Always tell me you want me,Rub your feelings in my face.
I'm sorry, my darling, My heart is in a different place.

I can't turn on my emotions,Just to fall in love with you.
You're not the one I want,Harsh, but it's true.

Fight with me constantly,Tell me how I should feel.
I can't be programmed, honey, Nor lie that it's real.

Good friends are what we are, It's what we shall remain.
I know of your longing, Your great frustrating pain.

I'm in the same predicament,And it's ripping me apart.
But what you're trying to do, Is blackening my heart.

I can't help how I feel, In a fate that wasn't planned. Lets lay off a few, baby,
start afresh with "just being friends"

And see where the winds blow us to...but I'm damn sure it'll never End!

My desk was located at the back of the class and this provided me with a good view of all the girls in the class. Come to think of it, they weren’t really endowed back then but we had to make do with what we had. Back then, it never crossed my mind that I needed a girlfriend. I was a jovial person and had a good rapport with the girls in my class. I never wanted to rock the boat; I was content with this arrangement.

There was this girl I liked in my class but I didn’t bother to share it with anyone. I never day dreamed about her ‘cos I knew it was a waste of my precious time. She was the daughter of an influential personality in the state but I never felt intimidated by her in any way. She was the most brilliant student in my class but I wasn’t a dull student either.
The girls in the junior secondary school wore pinafores so we couldn’t really assess the quality of their natural endowments but this chic was fine. She was light-skinned and of average height. Her school uniform was always neat no matter the hour of the day. Whenever I saw her my naïve heart will skip a beat.

Despite what I felt for her and I never intended to ask her out. Then I was involved with other chicks from other schools but it wasn’t a formal relationship. However, on this fateful day my friend came to chat with me at the back of the class and we started discussing about the girls (it was during break-time) . He then dropped the bomb on my ‘Japanese’ heart when he told me the girl might be interested in me. At the point I couldn’t breathe (J. holiday’s “suffocate” was the soundtrack of that moment) . With this piece of info added to my store house of knowledge, I decided to make my move.

After school hours, I walked up to her and told her how I felt (no blame me o! na JSS 3 parole) I didn’t ‘long things’ at all. She didn’t behave like the others – who’ll just laugh at you and tell you to get lost. She said “I’ll think about it” - this statement made my day. At home, my mother had to ask me why I was so happy (bobo was high on the feeling of love) .
I saw her the next day at school and I couldn’t hold back the smile. I lit up like a Christmas tree but she acted normal. I assisted her when she needed it and tried to have one-on-one time with her whenever it was possible. The fact was I had competition from within my class and outside of my class. However, word travelled fast. It had become public knowledge in the class but she wasn’t embarrassed (no be me tell anybody o!).

Nonetheless, the reply wasn’t forthcoming, a week had gone by and my fate with her wasn’t decided yet. The following week, I decided to broach the subject diplomatically and see what happens. Later that day, we talked and she decided to give me a reply (fear begin dey catch bros) . After her long speech (smart girl, she used the long speech to placate me) she told me it wasn’t possible.
After I heard the word ‘NO’, I spaced out instantly; I didn’t hear any other thing she said. I just stood up and went to another class. At home, my mother had to ask why I was so gloomy but I didn’t have the heart to explain (she no send me go school to dey look for girl).

I just thought to myself “She told me, NO” . We didn’t talk for a period of time – our paths failed to cross in a class of 20 students. But, I overcame the pain and the throbbing in my heart. The next time we met, I spoke to her first and she replied like nothing happened. From that very day, I also believed nothing happened. However, I told myself that will be my last ‘No’ and if a girl ever told me ‘No’ that will be all, there’s no need to persevere or become a pest.

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What I intend now to say is… is… is… I loved you truly; I liked your smile, your laugh, and your beautiful black glistening eyes, I liked the curl of your hair, I liked the touch of your soft skin, I liked your sexy voice(NT the fake ones), and I liked your smell, too… I liked everything about you … But you broke my heart, You… You… You… broke my heart! You broke the heart of the greatest literary figure of 21st century, you shall never be forgiven for that, mind you!

Tell you what. [What?] Since the time you left me,I’ve realized that I’m a good-looking man with whom many girls want to spend time. You see, love is really blind for it blinded me and I could see no one but you and only you. But, now my eyes are wide open, and I’ve awakened from the deep slumber of your bitter love.

Have you lost your mind? Seriously, when we first met, I thought you were the one I had been waiting for my whole life. Now, I don’t know what I was thinking.

I let you into my life… I shared everything I had with you. You had nothing. Everything that was mine helped you make you who you are today. Oh, how we forget so easily. You’ve let others come between us. I know I never had any money, but you didn’t have to go shack up with the richest guy around the first chance you got.

BTW How is your new love? Caught a big fish this time, eh? Hope you’ve told him that you would love him till the end of your life just like you told me once. This perhaps you’ve said to gazillion of other guys foolish enough to have fallen for you. Tell me; what magic spell did you whisper this time?
Did you give him all those nicknames by which you used to call me: My baby, honey,my darling, etcetera, and etcetera?

Hope your new love is from a wealthy family, unlike me. I’m sure he can take you to expensive theatre and buy popcorn for you every now and then; buy you weavons, make-up, slippers, buy ice-cream for you as and when you demand.

I’ve tried everything, letting you have more than you could’ve ever hoped for. I let you into my heart. You learned my deepest secrets, and then you used them all against me. How dare you?! How could I have been so stupid?

Yes, we fought a lot. Sometimes, it was my fault. Sometimes, it was yours. But you go around telling everyone you’re always the victim, that I was the one “terrorising” you. What a liar! How many times have I let you humiliate me around other people? Yet I kept telling everyone we were going to work everything out. Boy, was I wrong.

Do warn your new love not to glance at any other girls passing by; let him behave as saintly as possible. He should receive the same treatment as I did. Now, I have known being possessive is your birthright and known that ‘possessiveness’ is a word solely reserved for you; don’t worry, I’ll never interfere in your matters as you’re not mine anymore, but for sure you can interfere with my life as much as you want, for I’m still slightly yours. I’ve learnt to let anger live and die within me without letting it outburst (thanks to the anger management book I’ve read recently), I can now swallow my anger for I’ve known the outcome of a decision one makes while one is angry is always devastating. However, don’t think that I want you back. No, no, I don’t.

I’m the only one who has made any sacrifices for this relationship. I go around telling everyone I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. You pretend like I don’t even exist.

We’ve tried to reconcile many times. I even agreed to things I knew were bad for me, just to see if it would work out. I’ve never known how to say no to you. You’ve had a hold on me. But no more! I’m moving on.

From now on, I don’t want anything to do with you. And by the way, I got your letter saying that you wanted me to profess my love for you in front of everyone. What nerve! When you start admitting that you did me wrong, then we’ll talk about that kind of stuff.

But I’ll tell you something right now. If we don’t end up together, I hope you at least don’t put anyone else through what I had to endure. It just makes me so mad. I see you making all these mistakes, and I’m afraid you won’t realize it until it’s too late and you’re all alone.

But you know what? If that happens, you deserve it.
I tried to warn you, just accept me for who I am. Don’t try to change me. I’ll always be the person you fell for: fiery, protective, passionate, and full of love. How could you have not seen it all this time? We could’ve had something special, if you didn’t go and screw it all up.

You’re so full of yourself, thinking you’re so perfect, thinking you never do anything wrong. Take a look in the mirror. All of this is your fault. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS OPEN YOUR HEART ..... AND SHARE A LITTLE..Go figure out your problems on your own. We’ll see if you can do it without me! Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t e-mail me. I can’t wait to change my Facebook relationship status. Just stay out of my life! Fuck you,

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When Tunde informed us that he was getting married ,it came to us as a surprise. Tunde was known as Life CEO Players Club, Africa. If all the ladies that has slept with Tunde are asked to place their hands on each others shoulders,the line would be longer than the 3rd mainland Bridge in Lagos, Nigeria.
The traditional and white wedding were fixed for the 1st and 2nd of May respectively.

People turned up for the traditional wedding, some came to bless the new union while a larger number came to confirm if Tunde was actually getting married and to ‘what’ since no normal thinking lady will marry him going by his record. The traditional wedding went very well with Tunde dancing and ‘eyeing’ some of the female guest.

On the 2nd of May , while we were getting ready for the wedding as grooms men, we received the sad news that the wedding has been called off by Tunde.
His reason?

He found out on the night of the traditional wedding that the wife was not a VIRGIN .
One question kept going through my mind “Playboy Tunde wants to marry a Virgin?”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask, Is there an advantage to being a VIRGIN?

They say birds of the same feather flock together and many times I feel like it’s true but in this instance I hope it’s not. So I was dating this girl a while back, and for the most part she was a great girlfriend. No real cause to complain, but my major issue was her friends.

Her friends were all single, and they party way too much. Every weekend they are going to some club or another and always hanging with random club guys that only God knows what their eye is chooking for. Though I knew my girlfriend doesn’t want anything else, but I felt she was always being exposed to those "good-for-nothing" guys by her friends that are single and still mingling.

Sometimes I over hear the convos her friends have and they are always talking about some guy they smashed or want to smash and all their random escapades. One time they were talking about a guy I knew, he slept with one of them a few times. Are these the kind of friends I want my girlfriend hanging around?

I tried to encourage her to hang out with more girls who are in relationships or married but she says “They are dry and boring, and never want to do anything.” I don’t understand what she meant by that. Is it cos they don’t go out partying all the time?
I feel like her friends are trying to get her to be single(which they succeeded in doing) again and exposing her to all the things that are out there. I feel like they made he realize she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and leave me.

How do you keep her from hangout with her single friends all the time? if a girl is serious about a relationship should she be hanging a lot with single friends.
Isn’t that distracting? Or am I just being ridiculous?

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.

I’m actually pissed as I write this piece; but then again, I’m almost always pissed. When you live in Nigeria, you’re likely to always be on the edge of anger at a lot of things. There’s always something to tick you off, drive you off that precipice of serenity into that pit of rage; it could be traffic, a reckless okada man, a commercial bus driver, your neighbours, that police officer, PHCN, PDP, whatever. The list is almost endless.

However, what draws my ire this time around might actually be petty, depending on how you look at it. And I’m sure it’s a thought that would have crossed your minds also. Worse still, I might have unwittingly participated in it; my friends too, and this creates a sort of ripple effect because it ends up spreading, by our hands, literally. Not anymore (speaking for myself that is).

Overtime, we have come to appreciate the beauty of social media channels and instant messaging in aiding communication with family and friends; transforming the global village into an even smaller global clan. I’m sure you already know the advantages but there’s just one teeny-tiny downside that can be quite annoying; not for what it is, but for how it is being used in Nigeria. It’s the broadcast thingy.

There’s quite a lot of news being peddled around and while some might be real, I’m pretty sure the fake news now outnumber authentic information. Instances abound: once, it was said that there was a prophecy of doom for anyone using 2go on a particular day in June. Trust Nigerians and fear, people logged out instantly. An even more recent hoax was the “DON’T WEAR RED” prophecy allegedly by Pastor E.A. Adeboye. The first thought on my mind when I got the broadcast was what the factory workers at Coca-Cola were going to do since they wore red uniforms; not forgetting LASTMA officials too. Fortunately, the rumour was dispelled before it spread even further.

Some of my contacts now leave me with doubts as to whether they went to school or not; I have the same doubts about myself sometimes.
The most annoying (for me) so far was the fake broadcast about a bus with secondary school students on board, leaving the University of Lagos (I wonder why MAULAG wasn’t allowed to stick) for Obanikoro, suddenly seen en-route Oshogbo. It was said that one of the kids woke up and raised an alarm on twitter (Seriously???!). Once again, people ignorantly spread the rumour, creating an atmosphere of fear and panic without first verifying facts or asking questions such as the following:

1: Aren’t secondary schools supposed to be on long vacation (I know there’s summer school in progress o, don’t bother calling my attention to this)?
2: Isn’t there a possibility that the students (if they’re not at home) could be on an excursion, hence the bus being outside Lagos?
3: Aren’t registered shuttles the only commercial vehicles allowed into UNILAG?
4: What are secondary school students doing in a university (I know UNILAG is supposed to own an International School o, most universities do)?
5: Why hasn’t any parent raised any alarm in the media or to police authorities since the rumour started?
6: Would twitter be the first thing on my mind if I just regained consciousness?
SMH….

Just think about these questions and wonder why they have not being asked or answered before believing and spreading broadcast messages on blackberry phones and social media channels. What irks me most is the fact that a true piece of information would likely be treated like “the boy who cried wolf” if this continues. When false information is allowed to reign supreme, it creates an era of misinformation.
These days, we aren’t even sure what’s real or not anymore. We do not stop to think for ourselves; we just gobble up every bit of information that comes our way without checking for facts. It’s a matter of one mumu creating a hoax and broadcasts it to another mumu who believes it wholeheartedly and broadcasts it again (sometimes acting like the original source) to another mumu; thus the cycle of mumuisim is born. This leaves you wondering who the greater mumu is.

Maybe all that is going on around us has got us scared but should we now mass-produce it? No, a fearful man shouldn’t be an ass you know; that would make him a dead man. I’m not berating anyone but it’s time we start trying to verify facts before pushing them unto the next person. We don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes but we should at least think before broadcasting.
Enough of this mumu.

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I sit down in the chair as I recall the event that happened at the restaurant. She broke up with me. I was shocked when the words came out of her mouth. She did not show any sign of not been happy with me. Yes, we fight like every couple but I thought we had a shot. She broke up with me and yet I did not feel any iota of disappointment. This is my 3rd failed relationship in the space of 3 years.

The women that have broken up with me in the past 3 years have complained about the same thing. I was not open enough and I was not letting my emotions show forth and I act like I am doing them a favour. Maybe they are right that I was not giving my best in the relationship. I might not be able to say the words they want to hear but they just have to realize that I am an onion at the moment and you have to peel me layer by layer before getting to the centre. I need time. I need time especially after what happened.

They all said I have not moved on. They all said I have not let go of the first woman I ever loved. They believed I was holding on and yes, they might have a point. If only they knew my secret. I told them all about the part where I lost her to a car accident. The part of me feeling responsible for her death is the part I leave out. How do I explain to them that I feel responsible for the accident?

I still remember like yesterday, five years ago when all we could talk about was our future. The number of kids we want to have, the kind of life we want to live and how happy a family we hoped to be. I threw all that away when I felt insecure about her married boss paying her a lot of attention. The gift he gave her on her birthday dwarfed mine and the jealousy just increased and I accused her of having an affair with him. She explained things that there was nothing happening and I did not even listen to her.

She came over that fateful night, she was about45 minutes late. I had prepared dinner hoping we will talk over dinner and have make up sex. She apologised for coming late and that she had been stuck in a meeting with her boss. On hearing that, I just flared up, saying all sorts to her. She kept quiet through my rage and it just annoyed me more. She tried speaking when I stopped, I cut her off telling her it was over between us. I watched her as she broke down in tears and tried explaining herself to me. I did not listen and instead I walked her out of my house. She was trying to beg me but it all fell on deaf ears. I pushed her out of the house when she refused to leave.

My phone rang about two hours later, it was her. Why is she still calling? I picked up the call to ask her to stop calling. I heard a man’s voice on the line and he asked me to come to the hospital which he described to me. She been involved in an accident and he called me because my number was the last number dialled on her phone. I got to the hospital and I was taken straight to the morgue. She had died instantly from the impact of the collision with a stationary truck. I fell to my knees and tears just rolled out of my eyes. The doctor asked me if I was aware she was pregnant. Pregnant? I wailed like a baby. She was carrying a baby. A 3 weeks old baby. I had killed mother and child. I had driven both of them out of my house to their death all because I could not listen to her. My jealousy got the best of me.

The guilt still lives with me. How do I move on from that? The thought of it all sickens me and it weighs me down so bad that I just want to scream out to the world to help me but I cannot. I stand up from the chair and walk to the medicine cabinet in my room with my glass of drink still in my hand. Why am I still living ? I can no longer cope with this guilt. It is eating me alive. I get my sleeping pills from the cabinet. I am tired of living with this guilt. It ends tonight.

FROM MY INCOMPLETE BOOK...."(DONT HAVE A TITLE FOR IT YET)"

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You do not need to stay on the Island or drive along Adeyemo Alakija to come in contact with Ashewos because Blackberry and Social network platforms like Facebook and twitter have made it so easy for these people to reach their customers and for their customers to reach them.

Some days ago, two ladies fought on twitter and went about telling their followers and non-followers how they slept with men to get a Blackberry Bold.
Wait did you get that? I mean two ladies, people’s daughters with siblings’ maybe or cousins went on a social network to talk about how they slept with MARRIED men for a communication device with no regards as to who was reading or who could take the message home.

Forget morals …Does prostitution only apply when you stand on the road and wait for a car to pick you, take you to a hotel room (Depending on your class) and bang, bang till it’s over? I don’t think so, if you are having sex with the intention of getting material or financial gratification, you are an ashewo. Kpomkwem .
The game of Ashewo-ism has taken a new dimension; these days you can engage on some below-the-line advertising by using near nude pictures of you as your BBM/Social Network display picture to lure interested men into “pricing”.
In case you are wondering, pricing refers to the that period when she makes you go:

You: Nice DP
Her: Do you like?
You: Yes
Her: You can get it

The discussion continues, a date is set and boom! you’ve smashed her. For some, the demand starts instantly but for others it’s the day after and it’s start with messages like

Her: Hey
You: Why the sad face, what’s the problem?
Her: I just got a message from home.
You: What is the problem?
Her: I don’t want to bother you with my issues.
You: What are friends for? Please tell me
Her: I just got a message from my uncle that my mum needs to undergo a surgery.
You : Oh sorry!
Her : The problem is that they need money from me.
You: How much?
Her : 275k, but you can assist me with ANYTHING

The story goes on and on until you pay for the sex you had with her and depending on how much you paid, you may be smashed over and over.
The truth is that game is gradually leaving the streets and has been christened “Runs“; but unlike the “street standing“ ashis, these “runs” chics go to Dubai and come back with LV bags the same price as their house rent in Okoko.

I don’t have anything against anybody going to Dubai with another person’s husband but let’s call a spade a spade, if you are getting paid for such trips, you are an ashewo and calling yourself a runs chic does not change that fact.
I know some people are going to be mad at me for saying considering that someone may be reading this on an iPad/BB given to her after a long night. Ok I kid! I kid! You deserve it after all it’s not easy trying to stay alive below a pot belly.

Moving on, I was at an event recently and I saw a much bleached woman called Tina who they said was very HAWT in her days as “runs” chic and that got me wondering if Ashewo have an alumni or something
Take for instance – Do you think they will have The Class of 72, Allen Avenue? I mean there would have been some ashis on Allen in those days? Maybe some may go to Italy or retire to their villages but do you think they would still be in touch?

So if they are still in touch what would their discussions sound like? “Hmmm Tina, you remember that time wey we follow that your Nigerian Breweries oyibo go Enugu go scatter ground”.
Funny as it may sound, I think there’s a kind of alumni out there somewhere and the same may also exist for “runs” girls because even in nearby UNILAG, there are hostels populated by “Runs” chics who share same dibias and may continue to stay in touch until His kingdom come.

A friend of mine once said that without the men patronising the ashis,they would have gone extinct but with men out there giving blackberry bold, first class Dubai tickets, LV Bags or paying outright cash, there would always be Ashewos. Did you know that prostitution is one of the oldest profession ever recorded in the Human history?
While I am not pushing for a relationship where a man will do nothing for a lady, we have to agree that a relationship is totally different from patronizing a prostitute.

If you’ve read this article to this length and didn’t pick out anything useful, then the Indomie I was served did its work.

However, I‘ll like you to answer one question…What would be your reaction if your son brings home a lady as the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and you knew the mother as an Ashewo/Runs chic /follow runs chic ..or worse– the lady was one of your runs? What would your reaction be?

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.

We have a featured writer Today. He's a good friend of mine.. Enjoy.

Have you ever had an extremely bad day, I mean a really bad day. Am talking like when you wake up in the morning, your head is aching so you stand up to see yourself in the mirror and to your surprise you see that you have got a gigantic pimple on your forehead and your remember that you have a presentation.

Hmm mm. you toss back and forth, left and right, you are reluctant but then you check the time and its ten minutes to your presentation, “My gosh what am I going to do”, you think to yourself “ok ok let me get myself together ”, it’s just a bad day right? So you head for the bathroom to take your bath but your towel is not there “what in the world” thinking, thinking, where could I have dropped it “oh never mind there’s no time” I’d bath like that you say? You turn on the shower but it keeps making belches but no water, you run off naked to get one bucket from the kitchen but its empty “shit I forgot to fetch water yesterday” because you were too tired from yesterday’s hangout.

Arghhhh “you shout” gash your teeth and tighten your fists “what is happening to me” you think to yourself but you remember what the pastor says that we should be positive at all times so you check the time but its three minutes to your presentation. You run again to the parlour thinking that you would go without bathing, without brushing and with the big pimple on your face. You keep moving, no matter what, you don’t let anything stop or discourage you, then you get to your wardrobe to take your premeditated shirt for the occasion but it’s squeezed and it’s two minutes to the presentation already “help me God” you pray, then you rush speedily to brush through the shirt with your long unused pressing iron and when it gets hot enough you press it against your cloth and then your phone rings.

Eager to pick the call,curious to know the caller you dash towards the phone but you fall down “OMG I stepped on a rat” you reach for the continuously ringing phone, your hand moving left to right searching for the little noise maker because you are on the floor. finally there’s the phone“hello” you say!...it’s your friend already at the presentation venue “where are you boy we are about to start” he says, you shrug your shoulder and say you are already on your way, After you cut the call “what’s that acrid stench” something is burning “there’s nothing on the fire now” so as you stand up to get to the kitchen the odour pricks your nose further and you sight your favourite dress burning.

“shit I forgot the iron” you run to lift it up but it’s too damn late, the shirt is toast, so you shout at the top of your voice that the neighbours can hear you but everybody is busy because there’s light (there’s hardly light), not to be pessimistic your take a step forward again “one more try” you think! And its five minutes past the time of the presentation so again you reach for another shirt, squeezed but after what just happened you wore it like that, put on your trouser, your wrist watch and shoes and then headed outside, there goes the phone again “hello” it’s your friend again “nigga where in the world are you” but you answer “nearly there please” and cut the phone, you call a bike man and he charges you heaven and earth but you don’t mind “just for today” you think, please hurry, you tell him. The bike man moves swiftly, swerving left and right then all of a sudden stops “what’s the matter” you ask “I am out of fuel” he says. “But, but” you mutter.

Still being optimistic you look forward and see you’re almost at school hmmm you hand him the angrily squeezed 200 naira note and begin to run towards your destination. Two minutes later “finally the gate” but then you remember that you did not collect your change from the bike man, so you turn your head backwards “hmm too late, he’s gone” you take two steps forward and ponder because the bike man had said no fuel “then how did he, oh forget it”, “yep there’s my venue” but then people are gushing out of the venue “oh no” the presentation has ended “after all the stress” sad, tragic but as if that’s not enough your phone vibrates then rings out, all of a sudden the ring tone is annoying “hello” it’s your landlord, your house is on fire. Eyes wide open, legs paralysed, mouth numb, whole body shaking, phone becomes heavy so you drop it.

Then you shout again but this time with the roar of a wounded lion. All the people gushing out of the auditorium including the professors can hear you “this guy has got issues” they think. Indeed. But they have no idea what you have been through. How do I get home? You ask yourself because that was your last money you gave the bike man. After brainstorming for minutes you sit on the floor beside your nokia 2020, the grass pricks you but you don’t mind, mighty soldier ants climb you like an ant hill, but what more do you have to lose. Then one ant climbs your face and bites you and then you wake up……………sweating profusely
“IT WAS A BAD DREAM”
NOT A BAD DAY
THANK GOD
By. JONERO MENSCH

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.

I need help …
I need to understand
I need an explanation

I seriously do not understand the process people go through before they decide to take their own life.
I’ve been through a lot, but what’s the real definition of “ bad’? Life has not been all rosy for me. If you put together the number of girls that have turned me down, they would make up a Local Government Area.

I’ve written and failed enough aptitude tests that my answer scripts all put together could be developed into a text book titled “How not to answer test questions for dummies”. At different points I’ve been so broke that I thought that MTN was the best thing after sliced bread for introducing the service that allows subscribers with no units to text people saying “Call me, I love you” but that was until one driver sent it to his female boss. (Yes, it was his last day)
You’ll agree with me that I’ve been through a lot but I’ve never once considered suicide.

How? Maka why? God forbid. So after my suicide, my brother will be rocking my Rock & Republic jeans any how and the people owing me money will never come out to pay my family? People who never really knew you will go to town with different versions of the story.

“His girlfriend was sleeping with his best friend and killed himself after finding out”

while some will say,

“ They denied him Visa to the US because of his beard and he killed himself”

Whatever the case,I, Hendrix "Oluwa(lord)Hman" Nwaokolo, will never contemplate suicide.

As Nigerians, we always thought none of us would ever consider suicide bombing. That was until the morning of December 25th, 2009. Everything we thought we knew about Nigerians changed. Farouk Abdulmultallab, with a promise of 72 (or what’s the right figure?) virgins decided to plant a bomb in his pants to make heaven without thinking that he would require his penis manhood for his Virgins. What’s the use of 72 virgins without your penis manhood? Will he use the virgins as decorations or was he also promised brand new virgin penis manhood in heaven? I still think that if you must commit suicide, kill yourself and leave innocent people. But then again, do you really have the right to take your life?

We all agree that life isn’t easy but nobody said it was going to be! Neither did anyone ever say taking ones life would make life easier for the living. If there’s nothing new under the sun then somebody must have passed through the same thing you may be going through at the moment.
Marriages will always break up; people will always lose their jobs on daily basis and loved ones will always disappoint us. But only the weak will allow such temporary situations weigh them down. Yes, we cannot shape the past but we have the power to change what’s left of our future. Troubles will always come but it’s left for you to push for air or drown. Pulling the trigger on oneself has not been known to have solved any problem.

On Easter Sunday 2004, a certain young man committed suicide because he was deported to Nigeria from overseas. This late young man was sent overseas with money contributed by family and friends. He got there, married a white lady in order to get a green card. But he was cheating on her. When she found out she reported him to law enforcement authorities and because of incomplete documentation he was deported.
On getting back to his motherland- Nigeria, he concluded that he couldn’t cope and took his own life leaving his family and loved ones behind. His death inspired his friend Sound Sultan to write one of his best songs “Motherland”

His death may have inspired a song but hey, that did not stop deportation.
The choice is entirely yours but remember SUICIDE solves nothing.
“Do not be a fool–why die before your time?” says the Good Book.

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I have stopped going to Silverbird Cinemas and the E-Center. Why? Because I have no intention of being paraded on ‘Crime-fighters’ and spending the rest of my life in Kiri-Kiri maximum prison for voluntary manslaughter or something worse! There is something fundamentally wrong with the psyche of the children of this generation. While I have not really sat down to analyse the situation, I am hoping this particular rant of mine will evoke some responses from you guys and maybe solve this dilemma that is presently bothering me.

Have you noticed the horde of ‘juveniles’ who throng the fun spots day in, day out-punching the holy crap out of their blackberry,(ask me what a 14 year old is doing with one, abeg?) chattering away in affected accents, gesticulating like gay lords (which I suspect most of them will grow up to be) and drama queens (which some of them already are) and generally making a right nuisance of themselves.

I remember being in Silverbird one afternoon for something I can’t remember right now… I was walking on the corridor on the first floor when these two little punks stepped out of a shop and began walking towards me. Now, my dear parents taught me to always give my elders the right of way whenever the need arose but I don’t think the parents of these little pricks ever read that script. They kept on walking and one of them had the balls (probably hairless, if you’ll forgive the pun) to bump shoulders with me.

I looked back at him in indignation and was thoroughly irritated to see the punks mean-mugging me back. They whispered something to each other and sniggered away, which strengthened my resolve to revenge their lack of discretion. I stalked them, circling round the floor until I came face to face with them again. The little punk who bumped into me was speaking into his cell phone when he looked up and saw me. He probably saw the sadistic glint in my eye and made to hang up the phone but it was too late… I closed the gap between us and ground the heel of my shoe into his big toe, twisting it as I lovingly sought to cause him as much grief as I could in as short a time as possible.

The little punk opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He dropped his phone (pretty expensive looking, I might add) on the floor and clutched his foot in mortal agony. His ‘friend’ weighed the situation and came to the sharp conclusion that I had over 40kg over him and nearly two feet in height and his chances of coming out in a state close to being alive if I had cause to engage in physical combat with him were as slim as Yakubu Aiyegbeni ever winning the World Footballer of the Year award and so he dropped beside his friend and offered what little succour he could while I whistled a jaunty tune and walked away, pleased as a State Governor when the Federal Government releases the monthly revenue allocation.

For some reason, I suspect the quality of audio-visual content these children are made to watch is partly the reason for their literal retardation. The quality of children’s programmes has dropped significantly ever since ‘Voltron’ was yanked off the air. Nowadays, kids have to make do with brain-damaging cartoons like ‘Ben 10’ and ‘Tele-tubbies’. I shudder to think of what I might have been if I was forced to grow up on these!

Here's another instance.

I was at a family function when one little punk (what is the female word?) of a cousin walked up to me. The last time I checked, I was older than the Paris Hilton wanna-be by at least 12 years, but it didn’t stop her from trying enthusiastically to spoil my day. Decked in a traditional outfit that her father must have physically forced her into wearing, lest she turned up for the party looking like a 2nd year prostitute, she was a study in teenage insanity as she flopped into an empty seat beside me without asking for permission first, chewing gum loudly and clutching a high-end Blackberry. I scowled deeply in the vain hope that she would get the message and go bother some other unlucky relative but she obviously didn’t get the message.

'‘Oh dahleeeeeng!'’ She crowed, sounding like a cross between a dying vulture and a Nigerian On-Air personality, ‘eets been aygeeees seence eye saw yoouuuu!’ (I translated that last sentence just the way she said it. But seeing how much torture she inflicted on me with that sentence, I will refrain from subjecting you to the same treatment.) I instantly went into ‘brain-dead’ mode and was blissfully unaware of whatever she might have said in the three minutes or so that she elected to torment my existence. I vaguely remember grunting absently after every third sentence she uttered until she got bored with me and picked some unlucky victim to excruciate.

Another IQ booster for me is the concept of caning… I think caning does a lot to improve a child’s reasoning power! I’ll give you the gist in the sequel… Stay tuuned!! ( •̃͡-̮•̃͡)

“You don’t call me anymore…”
“You only call me when you want to have sex…”
“I asked you the other night, who was calling you at 5 A.M., you just brushed it off…”
“I feel like you’re using me…”
“I don’t fully trust you…”
“Why did you makeup with me after our abrupt break-up 2 weeks earlier?”
“Do you really care about me?”
“You’ve put me through too much emotional turmoil…”
“You can’t keep dumping me like this.”
“I don’t hang out with my friends like I used to because of you.”
“I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for our relationship”

Typical conversation in a relationship on the rocks. Not surprising, upon reading this, we have placed everyone in their (gender) role. We assume the female is the poser of the questions and is met with such a loud response of silence.

Tobi and Gloria met at an event and they quickly found each other very attractive. They would talk every day and night on the phone and online…they used every means of communication known to man. They could not get enough of each other. Gloria quickly started to feel she had met the man of her dreams. He liked the same things she liked. He was just the perfect match for her; a modern day man who respects strong women with great ambition, Tobi was Gloria’s dream come true.

After one week of knowing each other, they became an item. Tobi and Gloria was always together. Tobi could not believe it. He was with this beautiful woman with all the qualities he wanted. To add sugar to the Garri, she was fantastic in bed. “Wow!” From time to time, Tobi would ask Gloria why she was with him. “I don’t have a house, I am just a young man trying to climb to the top. I’m not a doctor…” On and on Tobi would question Gloria’s true intentions. “You are somebody, you have a degree, you’ve survived a lot of things in your life, you’re a strong man. You make me happy, you treat me with so much respect…I feel like you’re my soul mate” Gloria would always assure him.

As if the relationship was not perfect enough, Gloria would cook for Tobi, clean his apartment, do the dishes and so on. She even planed a surprise candle lit dinner for him, in which she modelled new lingerie she bought from Victoria’s Secret, for desert. ” Wow, no one has ever done this for me, ever in my life.” Tobi would say, over and over again. And Gloria, filled with love, would always assure him that he deserved it and even more.


Suddenly, Tobi stopped calling as much. “What’s going on? Why aren’t you calling me like we you used to?” Gloria asked Tobi one day. He replied by telling her he was getting busier at work. Gloria, trying to be understanding, would go to Tobi’s apartment and spend more time with him. She always made the effort to make the relationship strong.

Tobi started to pull away even more. Gloria would wonder what the problem was and would ask Tobi from time to time if he needed to tell her something. She wondered if he was just too scared to accept love, or if she was just smothering him. Tob, who is an only child was abandoned by his own father (who is a yoruba man o) at some point in his life, and when it was time for the next family member ( his own mother, also a yoruba woman) to take over custody of him, she refused and allowed him to be placed in a foster home.

You see, Gloria felt this overwhelming motherly instinct to protect Tobi and make up for his lost years by showering him with so much love. Tobi wasn’t too bad of a boyfriend himself. He was amazing in bed. Did EVERYTHING a woman would want a man to do, to please her..
She started to find out that Tobi was spending more time with his platonic female friends. These were the friends he told Gloria about in the beginning of the relationship. Gloria had no problem with Tobi having lots of female friends, he considered them his sisters who made up for the lack of family in his life. She just assumed they would know their place, or at least, Tobi would. One problem, they were over protective of Tobi and would always make him sceptical of Gloria’s intentions.

Months passed by with Tobi’s coldness. After several sleepless nights and endless tears resulting from unanswered questions, Gloria decided she wasn’t going to waste her time any longer. They would break up and get right back together. Several times.

Eventually, Tobi started getting fond of Gloria. He cut down on the time he spent with his friends and made more time for her. He even gave her his second car. He was always a very thoughtful person. When he could, he would make sacrifices for her every chance he got.

Funny thing is, Gloria was already gone. It was Tobi’s turn to cry her a lagoon! The set of questions above are the questions Tobi asked Gloria right before their final break up.

Ps. The characters above are in no form related to any 'Tobi' and 'Gloria' in real life. If it matches any body in real life, it is pure coincidence.
*_*

President Obama is definitely one of the best orators the world has even seen. Incredible speech. See it below...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Tonight, more than 200 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting our union moves forward. It moves forward because of you. It moves forward because you reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over war and depression, the spirit that has lifted this country from the depths of despair to the great heights of hope, thebelief that while each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people.
(APPLAUSE) Tonight, in this election, you, the American people, reminded us that while our road has been hard, while our journey has been long, we have picked ourselves up, we have fought our way back, and we know in our hearts that for the United States of America the best is yet to come. I want to thank every American who participated in this election...
(APPLAUSE) ... whether you voted for the very first time or waited in line for a very long time.
(APPLAUSE) By the way, we have to fix that. (APPLAUSE) Whether you pounded the pavement or picked up the phone... (APPLAUSE) ... whether you held an Obama sign or a Romney sign, you made your voice heard and you made a difference. I just spoke with Governor Romney and I congratulated him and Paul Ryan on a hard-fought campaign.
(APPLAUSE) We may have battled fiercely, but it's only because we love this country deeply and we care so strongly about its future. From George to Lenore totheir son Mitt, the Romney family has chosen to give back to America through public service and that is the legacy that we honor and applaud tonight.
(APPLAUSE) In the weeks ahead, I also look forward to sitting down with Governor Romney to talk about where we can work together to move this country forward.
(APPLAUSE) I want to thank my friend and partner of the last four years, America's happy warrior, the best vice president anybody could ever hope for, Joe Biden. And I wouldn't be the man I am today without the woman who agreed to marry me 20 years ago.
(APPLAUSE) Let me say this publicly: Michelle, I have never loved you more. I have never been prouder to watch the rest of America fall in love with you, too, as our nation's first lady.
(APPLAUSE) Sasha and Malia, before our very eyes you're going up to become two strong, smart beautifulyoung women, just like your mom. And I'm so proud of you guys. But I will say that for now one dog's probably enough.
(LAUGHTER) To the best campaign team and volunteers in the history of politics...
(APPLAUSE) The best. The best ever. Some of you were new this time around, and some of you have been at my side since the very beginning.
(APPLAUSE) But all of you are family. No matter whatyou do or where you go from here, you will carry the memory of the history we made together and you will have the life-long appreciation of a grateful president.Thank you for believing all the way, through every hill,through every valley.
(APPLAUSE) You lifted me up the whole way and I will always be grateful for everything that you've done and all the incredible work that you put in.
(APPLAUSE) I know that political campaigns can sometimes seem small, even silly. And that provides plenty of fodder for the cynics that tell us that politics is nothing more than a contest of egos or the domain of special interests. But if you ever get the chance to talk to folks who turned out at our rallies and crowdedalong a rope line in a high school gym, or saw folks working late in a campaign office in some tiny county far away from home, you'll discover something else. You'll hear the determination in the voice of a young field organizer who's working his way through college and wants to make sure every child has that same opportunity.
(APPLAUSE) You'll hear the pride in the voice of a volunteer who's going door to door because her brother was finally hired when the local auto plant added another shift.
(APPLAUSE) You'll hear the deep patriotism in the voice of a military spouse whose working the phones late at night to make sure that no one who fights for this country ever has to fight for a job or a roof over their head when they come home.
(APPLAUSE) That's why we do this. That's what politics can be. That's why elections matter. It's not small, it's big. It's important. Democracy in a nation of 300 million can be noisy and messy and complicated. We have our own opinions. Each of us has deeply held beliefs. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a country, it necessarily stirs passions, stirs up controversy. That won't change after tonight, and it shouldn't. These arguments we have are a mark of our liberty. We can never forget that as we speak people in distant nations are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to cast their ballots like we did today.
(APPLAUSE) But despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for America's future. We want our kids to grow up in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers.
(APPLAUSE) A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in technology and discovery and innovation, with all the good jobs and new businesses that follow. We want our children to live in an America that isn't burdened by debt, that isn't weakened by inequality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet.
(APPLAUSE) We want to pass on a country that's safe and respected and admired around the world, a nationthat is defended by the strongest military on earth and the best troops this - this world has ever known.
(APPLAUSE) But also a country that moves with confidence beyond this time of war, to shape a peace that is built on the promise of freedom and dignity for every human being. We believe in a generous America, in a compassionate America, in a tolerant America, open to the dreams of an immigrant's daughter who studies in our schools and pledges to our flag.
(APPLAUSE) To the young boy on the south side of Chicago who sees a life beyond the nearest street corner.
(APPLAUSE) To the furniture worker's child in North Carolina who wants to become a doctor or a scientist, an engineer or an entrepreneur, a diplomat or even a president - that's the future we hope for. That's the vision we share. That's where we need to go: forward.
(APPLAUSE) That's where we need to go. Now, we will disagree, sometimes fiercely, about how to get there. As it has for more than two centuries, progress will come in fits and starts. It's not always a straight line. It's not always a smooth path. By itself, the recognition that we have common hopes and dreams won't end all the gridlock or solve all our problems or substitute for the painstaking work of building consensus and making the difficult compromises needed to move this country forward. But that common bond is where we must begin. Our economy isrecovering. A decade of war is ending. A long campaign is now over.
(APPLAUSE) And whether I earned your vote or not, Ihave listened to you, I have learned from you, and you've made me a better president. And with your stories and your struggles, I return to the White House more determined and more inspired than ever about the work there is to do and the future that lies ahead.
(APPLAUSE) Tonight you voted for action, not politics as usual. (APPLAUSE) You elected us to focus on your jobs, not ours. And in the coming weeks and months, I am looking forward to reaching out and working with leaders of both parties to meet the challenges we can only solve together: reducing our deficit, reforming our tax code, fixing our immigration system, freeing ourselves from foreign oil. We've got more work to do.
(APPLAUSE) OBAMA: But that doesn't mean your work is done. The role of citizen in our democracy does not end with your vote. America's never been about what can be done for us. It's about what can be done by us together through the hard and frustrating,but necessary work of self- government. That's the principle we were founded on.
(APPLAUSE) This country has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful military in history, but that's not what makes us strong. Our university, our culture are all the envy of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores. What makes America exceptional are the bonds that hold together the mostdiverse nation on Earth. The belief that our destiny is shared, that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations. The freedom which so many Americans have fought for and died for come with responsibilitiesas well as rights. And among those are love and charity and duty and patriotism. That's what makes America great.
(APPLAUSE) I am hopeful tonight because I've seen the spirit at work in America. I've seen it in the family business whose owners would rather cut their own pay than lay off their neighbors, and in the workers who would rather cut back their hours than see a friend lose a job. I've seen it in the soldiers who reenlist after losing a limb and in those SEALs who charged up the stairs into darkness and danger because they knew there was a buddy behind them watching their back.
(APPLAUSE) I've seen it on the shores of New Jersey and New York, where leaders from every party and level of government have swept aside their differences to help a community rebuild from the wreckage of a terrible storm.
(APPLAUSE) And I saw just the other day, in Mentor, Ohio, where a father told the story of his 8-year-old daughter, whose long battle with leukemia nearly costtheir family everything had it not been for health care reform passing just a few months before the insurancecompany was about to stop paying for her care.
(APPLAUSE) I had an opportunity to not just talk to the father, but meet this incredible daughter of his. And when he spoke to the crowd listening to that father's story, every parent in that room had tears in their eyes, because we knew that little girl could be our own. And I know that every American wants her future to be just as bright. That's who we are. That's the country I'm so proud to lead as your president.
(APPLAUSE) And tonight, despite all the hardship we've been through, despite all the frustrations of Washington, I've never been more hopeful about our future.
(APPLAUSE) I have never been more hopeful about America. And I ask you to sustain that hope. I'm not talking about blind optimism, the kind of hope that just ignores the enormity of the tasks ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. I'm not talking about the wishful idealism that allows us to just sit on the sidelines or shirk from a fight. I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.
(APPLAUSE) America, I believe we can build on the progress we've made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the middle class. I believe we can keep the promise of our founders, the idea that if you're willing to work hard, itdoesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.
(APPLAUSE) I believe we can seize this future together because we are not as divided as our politics suggests. We're not as cynical as the pundits believe. We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions, and we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. We are and forever will be the United States of America.
(APPLAUSE) And together with your help and God's grace we will continue our journey forward and remindthe world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth. Thank you, America. God bless you. God bless these United States.
-President Barack Obama

Today is my little sister's birthday.
and as such, today's post is dedicated to her
and to that beautiful thing called sisterhood.

Dear Elfrida,
Happy birthday! Lemme say this, You're growing too fast!, Now, I know that I never actually admit my love to you, and have a bad habit of teasing you and putting you down at times, but I'm just not the mushy, sweet kind of person.Which is why it's easier to say such things in writing than show in actions. So, this letter's gonna be full of advice and well wishes.

First of all, I'm sorry - I'm sorry if at times I hurt your feelings and make you feel bad, whether it's intentional or on accident. I'm sorry that I don't tell you often enough that I love you and I'm so blessed to have you as my sister. I'm sorry for not being there at times when you needed me most. I'm sorry for a lot of things I may have done or said, so I hope you forgive me. Because as we grow up into adults, our relationship will change, and I hope it becomes stronger with time!

You're such an amazing person, that sometimes, it humbles me so deeply. You're so sweet and kind and beautiful , from both the outside and inside. You're so talented and caring. Your passion for Christ is amazing. You have a way with kids that many people can only wish for. In your simple ways, you gently make changes in the world and lives around you. One day, I know you will make an amazing wife and mother. In the end though, to be quite honest, there are not enough words in the world to describe how amazing I think you really are. I don't want to inflate your pride by going on and on, but I do want to let you know that I do appreciate you, even though at times I may not be so good at showing it.

Thank you for being there for me, when I'm hungry sometimes late into the night :-). For doing little things for me to make my day a little easier. For standing up for me when people try to put me down. For all the times you made me laugh, or prayed for me when I closed up and battled my problems on my own, usually pushing you away. Thank you for everything.
I wish you so many blessings, not only for this year, but for the rest of your life. You deserve only the very best!

As you mature into a young woman, do your best to stay with the Lord. Don't let your friends, or the media, or anyone tell you who to be, how to dress, what to do. God has a plan for you, one that is beyond anything we can imagine or plan. Be your own person, even if you're the only one standing in a room full of people sitting, stand proud and speak up, because God is with you and he will give you the strength to do the right thing and reward you in the end. I know that sometimes it's hard, staying pure and humble in today's society, but it's so worth it in the end. If you look straight ahead and go on with a prayer in mind and Jesus by your side, you can't go wrong. People will try to break you, sometimes through hidden motives, sometimes point blank, but I pray that God helps you stand strong. Remember, the only person worth impressing or living for is God. One of my life mottos is "Living for the audience of One." He's the only one who matters. He's the one who you should impress, befriend and love. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you, they're just people.

Lastly, don't let any of those fake expectations get in the way of your true beauty. Yes, there are beautiful people out there, but are they happy? Because I know that the prettiest girls are the happiest. :)
So, go out there and make a change. Become who you want to become. I know that you have a bright future ahead of you, you'll touch many lives and help countless hearts. You're so beautiful and amazing. You're constantly in my prayers and in my heart. May God bless you abundantely. Happy 14years birthday.
Love,
Me

P.S..
Dedicating this to my two lovely sisters(and brother)

"
A sister is someone who loves you from the heart,
No matter how much you argue you cannot be drawn apart.
She is a joy that cannot be taken away,
Once she enters your life, she is there to stay.
A friend who helps you through difficult times,
Her comforting words are worth much more thandimes.
A partner who fills your life with laughs and smile,
These memories last for miles and miles.
When she is by your side, the world is filled with life,
When she is not around, your days are full of strife.
A sister is a blessing, who fills your heart with love,
She flies with you in life with the beauty of a dove.
A companion to whom you can express your feelings,
She doesn’t let you get bored at family dealings.
Whether you are having your ups or downs,
She always helps you with a smile and never frowns.
With a sister you cannot have a grudge,
She is as sweet as chocolate and as smooth as fudge.
Having a sister is not just a trend,
It is knowing you can always turn to her, your best friend.
"

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ALUU 4: Goodnight Pain.

"thieves, thieves" he screamed, it was almost funny. Not until more voices joined the chorus as they screamed and shouted on us. We could have ran at least to save our lives, but our intentions were genuine and little did we know how the day would end. From a handful of young men shouting and throwing questions at us, it escalated to a crowd of angry mob. There was no way we could escape this one, so we calmed down. They pushed us around and then stripped us all.

These men pulled us pants down, we were more than embarrassed, the whole community watched, I recognized few faces fromthe crowd. Obviously they were so afraid to say"stop" then the beating started, I wished it to be just a nightmare. But it was real, these men were determined. They dropped heavy rocks on our heads, they pounded our faces with large planks, blood covered our eyes, they matched and kicked us right on our bleeding nostrils, we couldn't breathe.

"Bring tire" one of the men repeated, until they brought the tires. "Oh God!" We watched the crowd watch us, we raised hands of plea, we couldn't speak, Some hid, some shot videos and took pictures. there was no one to stop this. This was the point we knew it was over. We felt pain, helpless and hopeless. I thought of my siblings, I wondered how my mum would take this. She would fall apart. I begged God to hold her for me, comfort and make her strong for me, I prayed same for my friends.

Then we started crying, we cried together. the tears gave us headaches. We looked up high, the sky was still. Rings of tires landed on our necks, they kept hitting us, but we were numb already. They set us ablaze. We rolledaround, tried to reach for each other, I wondered who would give up first, the fire burned our bodies. it hurt, it hurt and then it hurt. But suddenly the pain stopped, Then I couldn't hear any other thing, but silence.

I thanked God. the pain was over and Gods glory was revealed. Goodnight pain. RIP ALUU#4:

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A most unusual title, yes? I guess it best describes what you are about to read;

I got a fraudulent SMS from an unknown number yesterday morning, and after some thought, I decided to write a post about it.
The SMS goes thus;

"Congratulation! You have won #300,000.00 Your no is among the 42 lucky winners of LACASERA (A popular soft drink in Nigeria) DRINK PROMO. Ticket no, MTN3G. Call MRS. Faith Oyedepo (they used the name of pastor David Oyedepo wife) 08067422422. To claim your prize."

It didn’t help that I was in a bad mood when it came in and I couldn’t help replying the fraudsters with some choice words that my mom spent close to 20 years trying to prevent me from learning. My response; ‘ You muthafuckers must be really dumb to think anyone will fall for you scam… Lacasera promo,my arse! God Punish You!!!

I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I was at the end of my tether. I have had people call me up and address me by my first name, claiming to have met me in the past and offering me deals which promise fantastic returns. Depending on my mood, I play along until I feel I’ve burnt enough of their airtime and then I hang up and refuse to pick subsequent calls. In the past, it was just foreigners that were being targeted but with increased surveillance by anti-fraud authorities (local and International), the fraudsters switched their focus to the local scene with varying degrees of success.

The sentence structures of the proposals are nearly always filled with grammatical errors. Most ‘yahoo boys’ (local parlance for fraudsters) are school drop-outs and they invariably expose their lack of education when they try to communicate with people. Another trait of yahoo boys is to offer fantastic returns on a seemingly easy business deal. I had a guy call me up one day, claiming to be a Port-Harcourt based staff of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation. He offered me a return of N15,000,000 (approximately 99,000 dollars)if I would agree to bribe his boss with N200,000 (approximately 1,400 dollars) so he would award me a contract to supply NNPC with some office equipment. I told him to stick it up his arse and cut the call!

On the streets of Lagos, it is common to see young lads who have no verifiable source of income driving flashy cars, wearing expensive clothes, and sporting the latest communication and entertainment gadgets. In clubs they buy the most expensive bottles of liquor and hold court in the centre of their sycophant friends who more often than not, find ‘other’ friends when the pipeline goes dry. Really, if I were a cop and I saw a 20-year old kid driving a Range Rover sport and carrying a blackberry Porsche, I would shoot him in the leg and drag him to my station and ask questions later.
The ‘419’ (local slang for advance-fee fraud) boys, in their ‘pursuit of happiness’, go to great lengths to snag a ‘maga’ (local slang for victim of these schemes) including employing diabolical means. Stories abound of fraudsters who patronise witch-doctors for‘ special powers’ to help them fleece their targets of their money.
This group of individuals, who represent less than 0.0001% of Nigeria’s population, have given the country a terrible reputation in the community of Nations. Nearly every form of communication that emanates from Nigeria or a Nigerian is scrutinised with a fine tooth comb. Nigerians who travel out of the country are usually separated from boarding or arrival lines and frisked to the point of embarrassment at airports. I seriously am not looking forward to travelling out of the country anytime soon, especially after the Christmas Day bomb scare by that dumb-ass Abdulmutallab fella which has gotten international airport security teams paranoid about Nigerians.

I’m not defending the actions of these people, but how come the world behaves like Nigerians are the scum of the earth? America has one of the highest crime rates in the world, ranging from gang violence to drug wars. Britain is home to crackpots and skinheads who stab people on the streets. The Russian mafia is one of the most feared in the world and they have some really heavy scam artists too. So, why is Nigeria so vilified? It gets my goose whenever I read any negative report about Nigeria on the internet.

Sony released an advert for the new PS3 and in the ad, a guy said; ‘If you believe everything you hear on the internet, you’ll be a Nigerian millionaire.’ Come on! After some ranting by the Nigerian Government, the material was withdrawn and a high-powered delegation from Sony visited Nigeria and met with Information Minister, Dora Akunyili to apologise. Why was it allowed to air in the first place? That goof almost made me NOT buy the PS3 console after my xbox 360 packed up (But I’m too much of a game freak to let that get to me! Sony, behave or… …)

Ok… I’m outta breath! I don’t know why but I just felt the need to let out some steam.

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What exactly do women want? I have asked myself this question numerous times and I have tried hard to figure it out. Truth be told, it might vary from woman to woman but really, we guys do not actually have a clue as to what women want. Even some of these women do not actually know what they want.
Most women you meet tell you their ideal man should be tall,dark,handsome,rich and blah, blah,blah. At the end of the day they meet the man and at the end of the day something is still missing. They still have something to complain about.

A girl and a boy meet and like each other and naturally she expects the guy to make the first move. If he moves too fast, he is desperate, if he takes his time, he is slow and has bad timing. What do women want?

Let us assume he gets the timing right by a stroke of luck, if he compliments her (genuine or otherwise) he just wants to sleep with her. If he does not throw the compliment around, he is not romantic and he is not open. What do women want?

She goes on a date with him, if he tries to be nice and opens doors and holds the chair out for her during the date, he is trying too hard and it is not in our culture. If he does not open doors or hold out the chair for her, he is not a gentleman. What do women want?

After the date, they probably are close and the feelings are stronger, if he does not reply her chat on time, he is busy with someone else and does not have her time. If he replies her immediately he is jobless. What do women want?

If he replies her with ‘K’ she is boring to him. If he types an epistle he talks too much. What do women want?

Finally they start dating, and things are all rosy. If he asks what her day is going to be like, he does not trust her and he is all over her. If he does not ask after her plans for the day, he does not care about her. What do women want?

If she gets into a fight with her best friend, and you decide to stay out of it, you are not supportive of her. If you decide to weigh in on it and say your mind, you are insensitive. What do women want?

If she asks you if she has added weight, and you say no, you are lying to her. If you say yes, she gets angry at you and starts feeling insecure and haunts you with what you said. She shows you girls who are skinny and asks that is what you want right? What do women want?

If you decide to hangout with your guys one weekend in the month instead of with her, she feels spited and says your friends are more important than she is. She makes you feel guilty, but when you want her to spend a weekend with you instead of with her friends, you are too possessive. What do women want?

If you decide to watch football instead of go shopping with her, football is your priority. She says things like how much are you going to get for watching it. If she decides to watch Kardashians and you say same, you are selfish. What do women want?

The list is endless. It takes a lot to actually understand women. A wise man once told me , if you want to be happy with your woman, just take her as she is. They are emotional and at times will do things that just makes you wonder if they are babies. Never try to change your woman.

(Add yours in the comment section)

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Teni came in early around 10:48am and I immediately knew that was impatient Teni waiting in line to get my rammifier (I’m sure I’m not the only one that names his dick) and I went to the gate to open it and there she was, ravishing (and somewhat revealing) as always with nylon bags on bothhands and she laughed at my belly and said “ I thought you work out? ”
“That’s what graduation does to you and is that your way of saying hi? You should be punished” I said
“I’ve been a bad girl daddy, punish me and spare not the rod, yet spoil me”
And she jumped to hug me and I have a surprise for you and before then I have a secret I want to share with you….NO PLS, NOT ANY MORE SECRETS!!!

I thought I said it in my mind now knowing my mouth had spilled a little and she asked “Has temi told you?…that silly girl!…I knew it, she just couldn’t keep her mouth from running and couldn’t keep her eyes off u…oh I…..”
I quickly stopped her “nooo, she said nothing, it’s just am finding it hard to keep up with my demons and secrets that threatens to shake my existence and family real hard but I guess u won’t understand…by the way..really? Temi’s tripping? Who could have thought that?!”
“..oops I guess I just blew it, pls don’t tell her pls?!”
I planted a kiss on her and reassured her that her slip-offs are safe with me as I escorted her to my apartment and asked her what the real secrets are and after few shy moves and persuasion she said “ this is my first time! ”
Really? Are you kidding me? That’s the secret? Thank God! “ Don’t worry, I’d go gentle on you ” I said after a very long pause as I went down to slowly undress her to reveal her red underwear (which she told me were Victoria’s secrets) and a tattoo of a butterfly on her huge bum. She has a very gorgeous body and a cute look to go with it. Just then she reached out for one of the nylon bags and brought out a porn DVD and flavoured condoms. I told her we need no porn cos we’ll invent our very own styles and we have almost the whole day to ourselves, I eased off her panties to expose her clean shaven haven dripping with juice as she was literally melting with every touch.

I reached into the bedside fridge with one hand to break off a chunk of ice and rubbed it on her extremely hard clitoris and that got her screaming as she came squirting on my face, that was my very first squirt and an impressive one too. She felt very embarrassed about the squirt and I took time out to explain the normality of the process and just when she felt confident, I flipped her over and rammed her gently from behind, quite tightly at first but soon eased up to allow the whole content of my manhood, just as I was enjoying my ride I heard a loud moan and I knew Jericho has fallen. She turned and held on to me tightly as a baby monkey would. She let em tears flow gently on her cheeks lighting up her face.
I soon got over the moment and asked her if she was ready for some real fun and with her tear stained voice she moaned a yes and I showed her who’s boss and afterwards we ate lunch.

She took some painkillers and we headed out in the “Altima” to drop her off to the nearest place she can get a cab home. She got out and leaned over the windows to thank me and she said “ I can’t thank you enough. This is the exact way I pictured my first time; affectionate and wild. Only I pictured my boyfriend as the guy. I did leave you a little something under the pillow and I hope this doesn’t end” and then she blew me a kiss.
As I drove home, I thought to myself “ is this the life I wanted as a gigolo? ”….and the only answer I could give myself was HELL YEA!!

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Dear Mr. President,

How are you today? I trust you are well? Well why wouldn’t you be? You are eating ₦1 million a meal per day, so yes! I am sure you must be in excellent and robust health.
How is the Dame and the children, the baby-mama and aunty Didi (oops, sorry people didn’t know you two had some connection? Sorry it was a slip, it will happen a lot in this letter. Oh and let me apologise in advance, my mouth sharp oo)? I am sure the home front is good? Right! Let’s get down to some crucial matters. These are matters that concern our great beloved country.

Guy, YOU DRINK????

Why is Boko Haram terrorising the North? Bombs going off by the day and you haven’t done a thing about it? Instead, you are busy reading out your copy and paste speeches? Wetin na?? Speaking of speeches; let’s take a quick look at the last one; the one for Kano.

*. In which seven persons were confirmed dead and others wounded. Among the seven persons killed in the incident was a reporter with Channels Television in Kano, Mr. Enenche Akogwu. – 7 people?? In whush Kano?? Kano in Nigeria fa? And it was 7 people?? Issokay!!! Hell is Real ooo…

*. President Jonathan who said he was greatly saddened by the incident which led to the loss of lives of innocent Nigerians - Really?? It took you 24 bloody hours to respond o. Oh sorry, you were too sad, you need composure abi?

*. Pledged to get to the root of the incident while assuring the management and staff of Channels Television which lost its Kano-based correspondent and indeed all Nigerians; that those behind these acts of terrorism would be made to face the full wrath of the law. – *snores* Sorry I dozed off, I didn’t realize you where still talking. This law that has wrath, me I haven’t seen it? Biko please Uncle, bring it quick.

*. And assured all journalists that “the Federal Government will continue to partner with the media in a robust and patriotic manner in the drive to build, institute and sustain the administration’s transformational values and programmes for our dear country and indeed Nigerians . – should we name all the journalists that have been killed in this country? Let’s move on dear sir.

*. The President further commended the media for its historic role in protecting constitutional democracy and the rule of Law in Nigeria - shamelessly quoting RSVP. Uncle Reuben, I see you o.

*. As a responsible Government, we will not fold our hands and watch enemies of democracy, for that is what these mindless killers are, perpetrate unprecedented evil in our land. – Bwaaaaaahhhhhhaaaa..ya funny Mr. President. I wish you read this out, I would have loved to see your face. Lmao.

But guy you fall my hand dangerously o ahn aha!!
You didn’t even add any new words, same old story, same old speech I have heard all my life. Is there like a default book of speeches that your people just refer to and just pick words out when you have a 7 min speech?
Now I am a little confused? Can you help me out? I don’t get it. I mean c’mon even Mugabe is well into his 80’s and is still seen to have control over his country; and mind you, he is one of the most “Lambasted & Lampooned” presidents in the world!

Fuel Subsidy: Mr. President Do you actually know what fuel subsidy is? I mean really do you know? And not what aunty Didi, Big Mummy Ngozi and Uncle Lamido told you. You want us to trust you, yet you can’t even honour your own word. Oga mi, this thing nor good o. you tell me in each speech of how you feel my pain. Sorry but Mr. President with all due respect, you DO NOT FEEL MY PAIN! I am probably still one of the few people that belong to this “middle class” but yet, I feel the hardship; so stop telling me you feel my pain cos my dear sir you certainly don’t.

Mr. President you tell us to tighten our belt, biaa…whush belt you sef tight? I know how many cuts I am personally going to take in order to keep my own business afloat just because you have increased Fuel, I have even had to cut my weekend groove and drinks but I am sure you are currently passed out from a night of drinks as I write this. Abi na lie? Ideally, I should question you about the budget but I will let my other big brothers and sisters who use big English have their turn with you on that.

You are living in a Utopia world Mr. President Your worlds are quite far from our own realities, your nose seem permanently stuck in the air and the rest of them can’t get their faces away from your behind because its stuck kissing it. Uncle Jona, until you are ready to actually feel our pain, STOP SAYING IT! Have you visited these places up north that are been blown up? (Oh yes, you appeared in Kano on Sunday as part of you publicity stunt to show you “feel our pain”) or do you just rely on what your arse-kissers tell you? Guy rise from your drunken state and just do sonetin na.

Mr. President I felt very insulted when your ministers & co said that we youths that gathered are a paid crowd and we got paid ₦500 + pure water.
₦500?? A whole me!! Got paid ₦500? Are we so cheap abi we resemble paid crowd for una eye?
You blame twitter for your woes, Maku is worried that we insult you daily, Mr. President, may I remind you that you actually insult millions of Nigerians daily? Your friends at ‘Neighbour 2 Neighbour’ put advert for you saying you may not leave us good roads or power but you won’t leave us in debt . Hiaan!! Debt!! Uncle Jona nor bi insult bi this?? Err…is that why we are here?? Ahan han!!

Mr. President, I ask you to change your ways for the better, we don’t like this dictator style you are pulling; may I remind you 2011 was a bad year for dictators and the trend will carry on this year. I ask you to ‘Man Up’. You claim you are the nation’s C-in-C, well bloody act like it. Stop acting like you are a puppet, like you are being controlled or afraid. Stop attacking the innocent ones, deal with Boko Haram. Stop looking for people committing treachery just because we march the streets, guy e go shock you say we go enter streets again o.

Uncle Jona, you may see this letter as “an act of treason”, quite frankly, I don’t care. It is ok, come and pick me up. I am tired seeing suffering; I am tired of managing this country. This is a country and we the YOUTHS intend to get it back. We want a Country that WORKS. I expect to hear from you soon sir and we hope it is positive sir.

Mr. President, My name is Aninoritse Odeli-Serrano and I AM A NIGERIAN!!
Regards,

http://ynaija.com/an-open-letter-to-the-president-i-am-tired-of-managing-this-country/

P.s Happy 52 years of nothingness

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