Last year at about this time, I wrote a list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2012.

Do you ever go back to your list from last year and check on whether you followed through on your resolutions, or whether you forgot about them the moment you put your pen down?

I realised that with all my talk about New Year’s resolutions, I hadn’t gone back to check last year’s list. I got brave and dug it up this week; the following is a report on how I did at keeping my promises! I also make new resolutions for 2013.

1. I intend to love God more; go to church more often,force myself to stay till the end of the service and try appreciate the church girls((i don't like church girls).
< Partially Done. I didn't love God more (unfortunately) but I made friends with lots of church girls(which is all good)

2. I intend to be closer to my family; i have not been the best brother(most senior at that)
< Errr I don't know about this one.

3. I intend to read my anatomy, biochem physio and histology text books more. And leave the internet(i knw it wont be easy, bt i’ll try)
< Done bt partially again. I didn't leave the internet

4. I intend to stick to make more male friends and reduce the size of my female friends *side eye*
< Partially done again. Drastically reduced my female friend database bt I didn't make more male friends

5. I intend to dash my small single male friends girlfriends by force; Tobi this is your year. Gaga, Emeka, Yinka, Gabriel….. Come to think of it all my male friends re single. *Moving on*
<There was no point.

6. I intend to make more money off my parent. I hope he don’t get to read this though. Don’t blame me please i barely ask them for things, but they always insist i do. So imma just grab while I can.
< I was touched by the holy spirit(moving on)

7. I intend to have more fun (whatever you like u can say to this one). But I have realised it’s the best way to exercise the heart, mind and soul. You think I’m wrong? Try it. (And this isn’t for under 18 readers o!)
<I sure had more fun last year.

8. I intend to grow my hair more. I might even weave it at some point.
< I DID!!!!

9. I intend to put an end to my coke and gala attitude and put on weight. Well i av been intimidated a lot. A tiny bird told me i lost MR ASSON cos i was how i was*i av no idea what this means*
< I did stop the coke and Gala bt I didn't gain weight

10. I intend to write a book or two. Maybe a biography who knows.
< I did. Never completed any though

11. I intend to put smiles on more people’s faces. And for my special one, I intend to make her feel like the most special girl on planet earth.*winks*
< I did make her feel special but she didn't return the favour

12. I intend to move around more, maybe travel outside Nigeria at some point.
< Moved around a lot! Went to ghana too.

13. I intend to SAY NO TO
*STAYING INDOORS *check

* biting my finger( i knw i cant keep to this) *failed

*Maltreating my Dog(promise to feed it 5times daily) < he died (╥_╥)

I have added more that I hope to keep to in 2013 in addition to the ones I didn't complete last year.


*. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
*. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
*. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
*. I will think of a password other than "password."
*. I will not tell the same story at every get together.
*. I won't worry so much.
*. I will cut my hair.
*. I will grow my hair.
*. I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
*. I will be more imaginative.
*. I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.

ADIOS!!
Happy New Year!

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What I intend now to say is… is… is… I loved you truly; I liked your smile, your laugh, and your beautiful black glistening eyes, I liked the curl of your hair, I liked the touch of your soft skin, I liked your sexy voice(NT the fake ones), and I liked your smell, too… I liked everything about you … But you
broke my heart, You… You… You… broke my heart!

You broke the heart of the greatest Anatomist of 21st century, you shall never be forgiven for that, mind you!

Tell you what. [What?] Since the time you left me,I’ve realized that I’m a good-looking man with whom many girls want to spend time. You see, love is really blind for it blinded me and I could see no one but you and only you. But, now my eyes are wide open, and I’ve awakened from the deep slumber of your bitter love.

Have you lost your mind? Seriously, when we first met, I thought you were the one I had been waiting for my whole life. Now, I don’t know what I was thinking.

I let you into my life… I shared everything I had with you. You had nothing. Everything that was mine helped you make you who you are today. Oh, how we forget so easily. You’ve let others come between us. I know I never had any money, but you didn’t have to go shack up with the richest guy around the first chance you got.

BTW How is your new love? Caught a big fish this time, eh? Hope you’ve told him that you would love him till the end of your life just like you told me once. This perhaps you’ve said to gazillion of other guys foolish enough to have fallen for you. Tell me; what magic spell did you whisper this time?

Did you give him all those nicknames by which you used to call me: My baby, honey,my darling, etcetera, and etcetera?

Hope your new love is from a wealthy family, unlike me. I’m sure he can take you to expensive theatre and buy popcorn for you every now and then; buy you weav-ons, make-up, slippers, buy ice-cream for you as and when you demand.

I’ve tried everything, letting you have more than you could’ve ever hoped for. I let you into my heart. You learned my deepest secrets, and then you used them all against me. How dare you?! How could I have been so stupid?

Yes, we fought a lot. Sometimes, it was my fault. Sometimes, it was yours. But you go around telling everyone you’re always the victim, that I was the one “terrorising” you. What a liar! How many times have I let you humiliate me around other people? Yet I kept telling everyone we were going to work everything out. Boy, was I wrong.

Do warn your new love not to glance at any other girls passing by; let him behave as saintly as possible. He should receive the same treatment as I did. Now, I have known being possessive is your birthright and known that ‘possessiveness’ is a word solely reserved for you; don’t worry, I’ll never interfere in your matters as you’re not mine anymore, but for sure you can interfere with my life as much as you want, for I’m still slightly yours.

I’ve learnt to let anger live and die within me without letting it outburst (thanks to the anger management book I’ve read recently), I can now swallow my anger for I’ve known the outcome of a decision one makes while one is angry is always devastating. However, don’t think that I want you back. No, no, I don’t.

I’m the only one who has made any sacrifices for this relationship. I go around telling everyone I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. You pretend like I don’t even exist.

We’ve tried to reconcile many times. I even agreed to things I knew were bad for me, just to see if it would work out. I’ve never known how to say no to you. You’ve had a hold on me. But no more! I’m moving on.

From now on, I don’t want anything to do with you. And by the way, I got your letter saying that you wanted me to profess my love for you in front of everyone. What nerve! When you start admitting that you did me wrong, then we’ll talk about that kind of stuff.

But I’ll tell you something right now. If we don’t end up together, I hope you at least don’t put anyone else through what I had to endure. It just makes me so mad. I see you making all these mistakes, and I’m afraid you won’t realize it until it’s too late and you’re all alone.

But you know what? If that happens, you deserve it.
I tried to warn you, just accept me for who I am. Don’t try to change me. I’ll always be the person you fell for: fiery, protective, passionate, and full of love. How could you have not seen it all this time? We could’ve had something special, if you didn’t go and screw it all up.

You’re so full of yourself, thinking you’re so perfect, thinking you never do anything wrong. Take a look in the mirror. All of this is your fault. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS OPEN YOUR HEART ..... AND SHARE A LITTLE..Go figure out your problems on your own. We’ll see if you can do it without me! Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t e-mail me. I can’t wait to change my Facebook relationship status. Just stay out of my life! Fuck you,

P.S Flaunting your new boyfriend in my face shows you stupidity level. You and I know how twill end.

"I Want To Forgive You, And I Want To Forget You."

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An Open Letter to Arsenal Players by a Young Lady Goonerette (Fridah Kariuki)

Dear Arsenal players,
I use the word ‘dear’ because I love Arsenal and also because you are an expensive lot to support.
Supporting you has not been easy. I will start by informing you of how hard it is for a female football fan in a third world country where the notion is not widely accepted labelling me ‘weird’. It comes with insecurity as I can’t watch the game in the house. It is harsh on my pocket (I am unemployed by the way) as I have to buy a drink at the sports bar.

Don’t forget the time difference and I do love my sleep. It is also not good for my heart because when you lose or draw, I get these mini heart attacks that I am afraid may become the big one that will be the end of me p.s. I am only in my 20s. Despite all these factors, I do my best to watch you, to support you, to defend you, to be proud of you and love you lose, draw or win.

You’re playing worse every day and right now you’re playing like the middle of next week.
I am hating this relationship as you do not give as you receive. So here is what I want from each you… and it’s not much to ask:

Dear Wojo,
I appreciate the work you do. However, sometimes your positioning is so poor I am tempted to send you a compass. Your confidence is great but sometimes it borders on cockiness and at times it is not there. Balance that! Thank you.

Dear Sagna,
You have developed to one of the best right backs in the game,if not the best. Of late however,your game has been off. Please go back to the old you and send those crosses in. Stick to your name… Mr.Reliable.

Dear Jenko,
Your game has brilliantly improved it seems like a miracle. I trust you would do anything for your boyhood team so please improve your ball distribution skills and pass the ball quicker. Thank you.

Dear Per,
I love the way you play. You have saved the team lots. I would like to ask you to improve your pace but that needs a miracle. You can however use your great vision to organise the defence i.e. be more vocal. Also,use your good distribution skills to start attacking faster.
Danke.

Dear Koscielny,
You have been great since your arrival and you have improved. However, you get sloppy at times. Please be consistent.

Dear Vermaelen,
Captain,your confidence has been low and this has badly affected your performance. You were made a leader because you have the qualities. I need you to believe in yourself and your teammates and get out of the hole the team is in. Also, please go back to scoring. Thank you.

Dear Gibbs,
You have been great so far. You could improve on your crossing ability though. In the spirit of teamwork, please teach your teammates how to do sliding tackles. Thanks.

Dear Arteta,
I know you are playing a new role this season. This means you have to be more careful with your tackles (talk to Gibbs). Also, try to pass forward and less sideways and backwards. Lastly, SHOOT. You used to.
Why did you stop?
P.S. I love your hair.

Dear Jack,
Your vision,accuracy and strength amaze me. However, your temper is horrible. Nobody needs your temper,so don’t lose it. Also shoot more often. Thank you.

Dear Aaron,
I am one of your few genuine fans. I believe you can prove your haters wrong if only you didn’t hold the ball too long and just played simple touches. Also improve your crossing and defending. Thanks.

Dear Gervais,
You have the ability to get past defenders but your final touch…my oh my! Please pass or shoot quicker. Basically, think and make your decision faster. Thanks.

Dear Santi,
You have been amazing since your arrival. Amazing and just fun to watch. Lethargy has creeped into your performance crippling it. That
is EPL for you. Get a massage, relax and play. Thank you.

Dear Diaby,
Please stop getting injured. That is all. Thanks.

Dear Rosicky,
Glad to have you back. Please steer a come back. Thank you…
Oh and don’t get injured.

Dear Podolski,
Thank you for the goals and assists so far. During matches please stop acting like a ghost and disappearing. Fight for the ball…look for
the ball hard. Also shoot more often. Thanks.

Dear Theo,
You have been sensational and deadly so far. Please improve your 1st touch and timing of runs. Thanks.
P. S. Sign da ting.

Dear Ox,
So far I can’t complain much but please stop disappearing during matches and also track back when you lose possession. Thanks.

Dear Giroud,
I am glad that you started scoring. Now,please continue. Enoùgh said. Merci.

Yes I know our relationship is long distance but I am loyal to you so be loyal to me. Just make me happy.
COYG.
Yours truly,
Suffering fan.

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Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry using Airtel Nigeria.

I’m writing this with the hope that a part of it will make sense at the end of the day but if it ends up making no sense, please forgive me.

While waiting for my mum & younger sis to tidy up their facelift, random thoughts kept crossing my mind and for some reason I started thinking about my first kiss.

I know some people reading this had their first kiss planned while some of you cannot even remember their first kiss.

Talking about kisses, I’m still trying to understand the logic behind -

“ I’ll rather sleep with you than kiss you ”

- as preached by some ladies. I can understand your first kiss but not that it would be easier to get wet, smash Okafor and very difficult to exchange less than a teaspoon of saliva with him. Some say-

‘ kissing is very emotional ’ and sex isn’t??

- Anyways, let’s get back to rambling about my first kiss and how special it was. Growing up was an endless party featuring a long list of father's brother uncle aunty child (you get the picture) coming to stay with us most times for holiday before they eventually turn out to be permanent resident house helps.... Edom (due to privacy we'll call her Edom. I think you'll get the picture clearly if we paint her as calabar) played the lead role.

I can’t remember the entire "house helps" by name but Edom’s name will forever be etched in my memory as the young girl with boobs the size of pawpaw cultivated in a very fertile land in Isele-uku.

Each house help came, stayed for a while and left but Edom stayed the longest.
I didn’t know much about boobs then but most men in my neighbourhood had special interest in Edom but instead of returning same to them, Edom was very interested in me.

It all started a certain night, I was sleeping in the living room when Edom came to wake me so she could take me back to my room but when she realised that we were the only people in the living room, Edom brought her boobs, put it in my mouth and asked me to suck on them one after the other. I didn’t see anything wrong in that so it continued and with the promise of biscuit treats (Not Hob Nobs) and Coke(yes that's why I'm an addict) it became an almost every day affair.

Edom used my mouth on her boobs so much that I used to dream of them boobs at night. I didn’t complain to anybody because in my young eyes I didn’t see anything wrong with it and I also did not want to stop the flow of the extra biscuits and coke.

Please before I digress any further, this is a story about my first kiss and not boobs.

Where did I stop again?

Ehen. So in some cases, I will purposely stay back in the living room so that Edom can come get me and give the usual dose of boobs before taking me to my room to sleep. Everything was special until one weekend when my parents travelled to isele-uku and left us in the care of Edom. Unlike other days, Edom asked my younger ones to go to bed early and when she returned from putting my younger ones to bed. She said we were going to try something totally different. (To Be Continued)
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Hahahahahaha I kid....okay sorry....

That night, instead of asking me to suck on her, she asked me to use my fingers to twist her nipples like a knob and that was when it happened. Edom, grabbed me by my head and stuck her entire tongue down my throat. Looking back now, it wasn’t the best first kiss but it was my first kiss.

I know you are wondering if we stopped at kissing, well, someday I’ll share my first time. Feel free to share your first time with us in the comment box.


PS: If you lack a sense of humour... PLEASE Regard The Above Story AS PURLY FICTIONAL!!!

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E don tey wey dis Tortoise dey over-do; None of the other animals dey gbadun his cruise/

He no get RESPECT, him always dey rude.. if you and Tortoise do RUNZ he must surely cheat you/

God come send all the birds invitation___ talk say party dey for heaven for December/
Na HIM Tortoise come use Agidi as an Elder, come TAX all the Birds, one, one feather.

You go Fear now?__ me I no dey LIE! __ abi you never see Tortoise wey dey Flyy for broad-day light??

The food na DIEE! Shayo was excess/ Tortoise come dey prove say him no really get sense/
He dey Run him mouth; dey Yarn nonsense/ Na soo all the Birds come begin VEX/

So when him dey sleep/dey come collect their Feather/
Then left HIM there and flew back to the Zanga

Tortoise come send his wife BBM message___
“I wan Jump from Heaven; Bring Mattress”
Trust Network Nauuu…. She no get the message……………………………………../

So the Tortoise Fell to the ground and Broke his shell

THAT’S MY STORY AND I’M STICKING TO IT…

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I know how you feel but I can’t force myself to Love you.
Days gone by, trying to be real. Let’s not even argue.

You See, I’ve tried & tried but I cannot deny the feeling is not the same for you.
See, I can’t live a lie, you go find another guy who will go insane for you.

Say that you love me, I don't feel the same.
Not what we once were, You distinguished our flame.

Always tell me you want me,Rub your feelings in my face.
I'm sorry, my darling, My heart is in a different place.

I can't turn on my emotions,Just to fall in love with you.
You're not the one I want,Harsh, but it's true.

Fight with me constantly,Tell me how I should feel.
I can't be programmed, honey, Nor lie that it's real.

Good friends are what we are, It's what we shall remain.
I know of your longing, Your great frustrating pain.

I'm in the same predicament,And it's ripping me apart.
But what you're trying to do, Is blackening my heart.

I can't help how I feel, In a fate that wasn't planned. Lets lay off a few, baby,
start afresh with "just being friends"

And see where the winds blow us to...but I'm damn sure it'll never End!

My desk was located at the back of the class and this provided me with a good view of all the girls in the class. Come to think of it, they weren’t really endowed back then but we had to make do with what we had. Back then, it never crossed my mind that I needed a girlfriend. I was a jovial person and had a good rapport with the girls in my class. I never wanted to rock the boat; I was content with this arrangement.

There was this girl I liked in my class but I didn’t bother to share it with anyone. I never day dreamed about her ‘cos I knew it was a waste of my precious time. She was the daughter of an influential personality in the state but I never felt intimidated by her in any way. She was the most brilliant student in my class but I wasn’t a dull student either.
The girls in the junior secondary school wore pinafores so we couldn’t really assess the quality of their natural endowments but this chic was fine. She was light-skinned and of average height. Her school uniform was always neat no matter the hour of the day. Whenever I saw her my naïve heart will skip a beat.

Despite what I felt for her and I never intended to ask her out. Then I was involved with other chicks from other schools but it wasn’t a formal relationship. However, on this fateful day my friend came to chat with me at the back of the class and we started discussing about the girls (it was during break-time) . He then dropped the bomb on my ‘Japanese’ heart when he told me the girl might be interested in me. At the point I couldn’t breathe (J. holiday’s “suffocate” was the soundtrack of that moment) . With this piece of info added to my store house of knowledge, I decided to make my move.

After school hours, I walked up to her and told her how I felt (no blame me o! na JSS 3 parole) I didn’t ‘long things’ at all. She didn’t behave like the others – who’ll just laugh at you and tell you to get lost. She said “I’ll think about it” - this statement made my day. At home, my mother had to ask me why I was so happy (bobo was high on the feeling of love) .
I saw her the next day at school and I couldn’t hold back the smile. I lit up like a Christmas tree but she acted normal. I assisted her when she needed it and tried to have one-on-one time with her whenever it was possible. The fact was I had competition from within my class and outside of my class. However, word travelled fast. It had become public knowledge in the class but she wasn’t embarrassed (no be me tell anybody o!).

Nonetheless, the reply wasn’t forthcoming, a week had gone by and my fate with her wasn’t decided yet. The following week, I decided to broach the subject diplomatically and see what happens. Later that day, we talked and she decided to give me a reply (fear begin dey catch bros) . After her long speech (smart girl, she used the long speech to placate me) she told me it wasn’t possible.
After I heard the word ‘NO’, I spaced out instantly; I didn’t hear any other thing she said. I just stood up and went to another class. At home, my mother had to ask why I was so gloomy but I didn’t have the heart to explain (she no send me go school to dey look for girl).

I just thought to myself “She told me, NO” . We didn’t talk for a period of time – our paths failed to cross in a class of 20 students. But, I overcame the pain and the throbbing in my heart. The next time we met, I spoke to her first and she replied like nothing happened. From that very day, I also believed nothing happened. However, I told myself that will be my last ‘No’ and if a girl ever told me ‘No’ that will be all, there’s no need to persevere or become a pest.

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What I intend now to say is… is… is… I loved you truly; I liked your smile, your laugh, and your beautiful black glistening eyes, I liked the curl of your hair, I liked the touch of your soft skin, I liked your sexy voice(NT the fake ones), and I liked your smell, too… I liked everything about you … But you broke my heart, You… You… You… broke my heart! You broke the heart of the greatest literary figure of 21st century, you shall never be forgiven for that, mind you!

Tell you what. [What?] Since the time you left me,I’ve realized that I’m a good-looking man with whom many girls want to spend time. You see, love is really blind for it blinded me and I could see no one but you and only you. But, now my eyes are wide open, and I’ve awakened from the deep slumber of your bitter love.

Have you lost your mind? Seriously, when we first met, I thought you were the one I had been waiting for my whole life. Now, I don’t know what I was thinking.

I let you into my life… I shared everything I had with you. You had nothing. Everything that was mine helped you make you who you are today. Oh, how we forget so easily. You’ve let others come between us. I know I never had any money, but you didn’t have to go shack up with the richest guy around the first chance you got.

BTW How is your new love? Caught a big fish this time, eh? Hope you’ve told him that you would love him till the end of your life just like you told me once. This perhaps you’ve said to gazillion of other guys foolish enough to have fallen for you. Tell me; what magic spell did you whisper this time?
Did you give him all those nicknames by which you used to call me: My baby, honey,my darling, etcetera, and etcetera?

Hope your new love is from a wealthy family, unlike me. I’m sure he can take you to expensive theatre and buy popcorn for you every now and then; buy you weavons, make-up, slippers, buy ice-cream for you as and when you demand.

I’ve tried everything, letting you have more than you could’ve ever hoped for. I let you into my heart. You learned my deepest secrets, and then you used them all against me. How dare you?! How could I have been so stupid?

Yes, we fought a lot. Sometimes, it was my fault. Sometimes, it was yours. But you go around telling everyone you’re always the victim, that I was the one “terrorising” you. What a liar! How many times have I let you humiliate me around other people? Yet I kept telling everyone we were going to work everything out. Boy, was I wrong.

Do warn your new love not to glance at any other girls passing by; let him behave as saintly as possible. He should receive the same treatment as I did. Now, I have known being possessive is your birthright and known that ‘possessiveness’ is a word solely reserved for you; don’t worry, I’ll never interfere in your matters as you’re not mine anymore, but for sure you can interfere with my life as much as you want, for I’m still slightly yours. I’ve learnt to let anger live and die within me without letting it outburst (thanks to the anger management book I’ve read recently), I can now swallow my anger for I’ve known the outcome of a decision one makes while one is angry is always devastating. However, don’t think that I want you back. No, no, I don’t.

I’m the only one who has made any sacrifices for this relationship. I go around telling everyone I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. You pretend like I don’t even exist.

We’ve tried to reconcile many times. I even agreed to things I knew were bad for me, just to see if it would work out. I’ve never known how to say no to you. You’ve had a hold on me. But no more! I’m moving on.

From now on, I don’t want anything to do with you. And by the way, I got your letter saying that you wanted me to profess my love for you in front of everyone. What nerve! When you start admitting that you did me wrong, then we’ll talk about that kind of stuff.

But I’ll tell you something right now. If we don’t end up together, I hope you at least don’t put anyone else through what I had to endure. It just makes me so mad. I see you making all these mistakes, and I’m afraid you won’t realize it until it’s too late and you’re all alone.

But you know what? If that happens, you deserve it.
I tried to warn you, just accept me for who I am. Don’t try to change me. I’ll always be the person you fell for: fiery, protective, passionate, and full of love. How could you have not seen it all this time? We could’ve had something special, if you didn’t go and screw it all up.

You’re so full of yourself, thinking you’re so perfect, thinking you never do anything wrong. Take a look in the mirror. All of this is your fault. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS OPEN YOUR HEART ..... AND SHARE A LITTLE..Go figure out your problems on your own. We’ll see if you can do it without me! Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t e-mail me. I can’t wait to change my Facebook relationship status. Just stay out of my life! Fuck you,

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