It's been barely 24 hours i left lag and i am already missing her!

Lagos can be a very hectic place, the hustle and bustle, the never ending traffic.

Yesterday on my way to the park were i was gonna take a bus to school, me and mumcie where stuck in go-slow (traffic) for up to an hour somewhere at mile-12 and it was like 6:20AM.... But hey look at the bright side deres always the chance that an old man gets beat up for grabbing an orange sellers ass.

Why do men enjoy ogling at suggestive organs of the other sex, i don’t mean the everyday momentary glancing-I m talking bout real shaft hardening and juice staring “lookeries”? Why i so hate being a guy for this reason. Well while caught up in go-slow, this dirty ol’ man calls this orange seller, he’d been eyeing for like 10mins….why not…she had ass to push beyonce and nicki minaj of the top 10 biggest butts list….
His eyes were almost popping from them sockets….he asks her to peel some oranges while he examines her properly, romanticizing on her tits considering the heftiness or otherwise of her breasts.
His gaze travels down to her bum, he’s probly wondering…large, not so large, knickerful, voluptous, bulky and just like a reflex action he grabs them! The orange seller screams, drops the orange and gives him two disgraceful back hand slaps which sends him falling while she rains curses on him….which attracts the attention of onlookers..

You know lagos na, no one minds their bizness… They beat this guy silly and it was just 6 somtin AM

“Chukwuabiamabiko!”… Hendrix did u see that (shocked!I half forgot my mum was ibo.)…. men are useless sets of human beings, very useless, all they know is sex, sports and food..nothing else…sumtimes I think they think with their PRICKS..oh yea she said it.. my mum … while I cringed with embarrassment…the glove compartment neva looked so inviting…. i could feel a “naija men sermon” coming on.

Somtime ago, i was at one of my aunties house for the holidays. So one sunday like that we went to church (she attends MFM). I really dont like prayers and being MFM i knew my worst fear was goona come to past. As we entered the church, the pastor called out a prayer point for singles searching for life partners… (the same men that the women will end up cussing)

”My adam locate me by fire”.

Immidiately we entered the church, i noticed this fine girl at the conner and like my mumcie said, my prick did d thinkin and i went straght to were she was.

… Like her mumcie felt the need to embarrass her, out of nowhere she shouted ”sola stand up! (She acted like she didn’t hear her..) stand up! STAND UP!..Almost pulling her up…by then almost everyone had their eyes focused on her at the same time at me too… probably thinking…desperate mother seeking help for her lonely ageing daughter who’s yet to get married..for crissakes she shld be like 18… or the boy(me) is looking at her breast and mother catches him.
To make matters worse she kept shouting “Pray it well,pray it well…haba how well do u want her to pray it.
But there was a good side to it, i knew her name and after service dat day, the toasting was easier.

Geez women is just like sometin out of a home video I could just picture my mum 10 years from now.

Mom: Hendrix! wont u get married..ur 30 already, or dont u want me to carry my grand children. Ur father married me wen he was 25 nd i was 23.

Me: But mom,ive not found the right person u just don’t rush into marriage like that.

Mum: Shut up! Shut up! What do u know about marriage…look ehn..next week I’ll send for obiageli in the village..u must marry her o.

Me: Mama I wont o! I wont…

(few weeks later)
Obiageli arrives...

She looks like she fell into a pool of bleaching cream, she can hardly speak English and she has taken a rather weird liking to her hair.. scratching it every five minutes…

Oobi: uncle good morring!

Me: Don’t great me o!…who be ur uncle.. better go back to the village….now now..

Mum: Shat up dia!…oya both of u enter that bedroom and make love till m satisfied..ENTER!

Me: Mama I wont o!…pls papa talk to mama

Dad: mummy hendrix! Mummy hendrix! Leave this boy alone…

Mum: Ehn..babaa hendrix…don’t put ur mouth in this matter....Are u deaf..i say enter abi u want me to get angry and hold u down while she makes luv to u..cuz I can do it o!

(while inside)

Oobi: uncle I no won make mami send me bck go village..oya comot dress make we start..

Me: start what!

Oobi: Abi u no one do…me I won do o!.. i go even give u twice…(she means twins)…uncle come now e no go pain u(lol)…

she comes closer that’s when I bring out the gun ive been hiding and shoot him in the leg.

yeeeee…chineke..mami…mami he don killme o…I shoot the door open.. shoot my mum (I kid..i kid) pack my bags..and set off into the world..

hmm the makings of a good naija film..dnt u think!.