Dear Future Son,

There are certain things that parents should tell their children, particularly their sons. Yes, yes we all know that there comes a time when we have to give the ‘Birds and the Bees’ talk. However there is more to that. We should tell our boys what not to do or say when going over to pick a girlfriend from her house for a date for the very first time particularly if her parents around. These are some of the things I thought about.

(1) ‘Wow, so you’re her Mum? Now I know where she gets her legs’: Okay, first of all what are you doing eyeing up Mum’s legs, you perv? Don’t you know that Mothers are akin to angels and are therefore not to be looked at in a certain way even if Mum is a dead ringer for J-Lo? Dad is NOT impressed with the fact that his daughter may be going out with someone who compares maternal body parts to Mummy
Junior! Advice: Just stick with murmured politeness and keep your eyes away from Mum’s physique, no matter how alluring.

(2) ‘Sir, don’t worry I will make sure she is safe’: Please don’t stop there. Elaborate on safe if you want to leave Dad’s house with daughter (and your bits) intact. In today’s world, the word ‘safe’ is a euphemism. What do you mean you’ll ‘make sure she is safe’? Are you running with the mafia or transporting drugs or something that could put her in danger? Just gently ask Dad what time you should bring her back and where exactly you’ll be and how you can be reached should the need arrive. You will impress her Dad and he will feel that you are a highly responsible young man.

(3) ‘Yes, yes…my car is the very latest model with spacious back seats…’: Are you out of your mind? Don’t you know that you are NEVER EVER to even give a hint of an image of a back seat to a nervous Dad? You will instantly transport him to the Land of 9 Months Later where he will en vision himself holding a squalling infant with a bewildered look on his face…an infant that came into being in the aforementioned back seats! If possible, borrow a coupe that doesn’t even have back seats!

(4) ‘Sir, may I just say that you have a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic daughter and it is my incredible honour to…”: blah, blah, blah and you can officially stop the butt kissing. What is this, a marriage proposal? On your first date? Dads have an inbuilt ‘crap-o-meter’ that lets them know who is sincere and who’s attempting to kiss up. This is not a ‘Mr Nice Guy’ contest. Dad already knows just how wonderful, beautiful etc his daughter is so you don’t need to remind him, Einstein. Besides, a guy that’s too nice and full of platitudes is just plain suspicious.

(5) ‘ When I first saw your daughter the LORD revealed to me …’: that one flew over and landed in the cuckoo’s nest…on top of your head! Even if you feel that the LORD impressed something on your heart about the lady please keep that little nugget of info to yourself until you know her and her family a little better. I am SO against people using GOD and His Holy Name to score points…or just to score. Her Dad will immediately think you are slightly delusional at best and maniacal at worst. You are not even likely to leave the house with her at this point. Just keep your ‘revelations’ to a minimum, if you please.

(6) ‘ Oh, guess what?…I can tell your future from the indentation your bum makes on the sofa! Seriously, wanna try? : and at this point your Dad will tell you your future (which will not include his daughter) and toss you out of his house so hard you’ll have skid marks on your bum! What are you, a nutcase?

(7) ‘Where are we going? Well, there’s this new bar…’: The word ‘bar’ does not sit well with any Naija parent (even if you are the legal age for drinking) and they will be worried that you intend to get their daughter inebriated and thus take advantage of her Word of advice: no bars. Besides Dude, what kind of guy are you to go on a first date to a bar?

(8) ‘ Sir, I hear you used to wrestle back in the day…Care to show me any moves?”: First of all, never challenge a beast in its own territory. And before you do anything so stupid please do try and size Dad up first. If he’s built like Richard Simmons then maybe…but if he’s built like the Rock then don’t even think about bringing up his wrestling history. Chances are he WILL show you some moves, or rather use you to demonstrate some moves. Then you will end up leaving the house with your girlfriend…she holding your hand as you scream in pain while the medical personnel bear you away on a stretcher…with her Dad murmuring in the background under his breath ‘Well I didn’t mean to break his arm. How was I supposed to know he was weak’…

(9) ‘Oh Sir, I’m not into working women and all that. Their place is at home, right (wink, wink)’: Regardless of your views on this please do remain numb! Dad will already picture his little girl barefoot and pregnant and miserable in your house while you come home every evening to demand for your food and quiet from the 7 children you are sure to father and…you get the picture? And Lord help you if Mum hears you and she works…you can be sure she will spoil all your present and future runs with your (soon-to-be-ex) girlfriend.

(10) ‘Well, I think that our Senate President is just an idiot and I really hate all those idiots at the Senate and they should all be publicly lashed..”: Good, good, you have been really vehement about your views…until you realize that Dad is looking at you oddly. ‘The Senate President is my nephew’ he says. And you smile and nod dumbly, wishing the ground could just open up and swallow you then and there. Before making any vitriolic statements about individuals (no matter how well deserved) please do some background checks and see to it that the objects of your vilification are in no way connected to girlfriend’s family.

Your future dad

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