I suspect I’m slowly morphing into a mass-murdering maniac and there appears to be no hope for me, except Research in Motion Limited (RIM) inexplicably goes bankrupt and is forced to shut down its operations. Barring this improbable occurrence, I might be forced to kill every Blackberry-toting human being I come in contact with, for the perfectly good reasons I will highlight below. Given the massive popularity of the Blackberry brand and the huge profits thereof, (from U.S President Barack Obama to that recharge card vendor on your street) I appear to have a lot of killing to do!

It thoroughly gets my goose whenever I see people who have absolutely no need for the phone walking with their noses touching the screens and furiously banging at the keypad. I know most of YOU Nigerians are fad-conscious and will subscribe to nearly anything that appears to make you look more successful than the next fellow (especially irrelevant titles like ‘Chief’, ‘Alhaji’, ‘Otunba’, and ‘Obong’) but some people are taking this Blackberry thing too far.
For the avoidance of doubt, I strongly believe the Blackberry is a revolutionary tool in the field of communications. People can easily access important information on the go, making them work more efficiently. The class of people mentioned in the last sentence certainly do not include UNILAG girls (or any aristo-loving female, for that matter) and every Segun, Emeka and Musa that want to impress members of the opposite sex with their ‘phones.’

First problem: A lot of people who own Blackberries did not purchase them with money earned from an honest job. The phones are usually ‘maga-ed’ from one randy goat who, blinded by lust, is willing to shell out N80,000 on a mobile phone in the often vain hope that his sexual urge will be fulfilled by the recipient of the phone. On securing it, the female quickly exploits another dumbass and gets the schmuck to dole out N3,000 every month for her BIS which enables her surf the net and chat (substitute with gossip) all god damned day with her equally narrow-minded cohorts.

Second problem: Is it just me, or do those garishly coloured Blackberry jackets annoy you too? For most females, their Blackberry experience isn’t complete without a pink, yellow or purple phone case to go with it. Some females take it a big step further by purchasing different colours and wearing outfits to match the colours of their phone jackets. For the love of Pete, COME ON!!!

Third (But not final) problem: We all know you own a Blackberry and we are sure your village is proud of you, but can’t you make conscious effort to keep your phone in your pocket when you are not actually using it? It is pretty crass to conspicuously hold your phone in your hand all day so as to boost your ego, even though no one really gives a piss if you have a Blackberry or a Nokia 3310! It takes me back to 2004/2005 when the comical scenes of people hanging their mobile phones around their necks like adornment, back when a Sendo or Trium phone cost an arm and a leg and were considered status symbols!

Fourth problem: Paying N3,000 a month so you can BB chat all day and night is, to me, a pretty short-sighted financial decision! I mean, there is life outside ‘lol-ing’ and ‘lwkmd-ing’ all day with no significant value added to your life. I have friends who, but for the bond already established before they purchased their Blackberrys, I would have desisted from visiting them and maybe deleted their numbers while at it. It is pretty upsetting conversing with someone and when you glance at the person you feel you were talking to; you find them pounding away on their keypads with you long-forgotten! It’s really, really annoying. Really!

I hope these reasons will boost my defence in a court of law, if and when the notoriouslyincompetent Nigerian Police arrest me for murdering approximately 500,000 Blackberry owners in Lagos State. (If they don’t shoot me out of hand, that is…
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