I suspect I’m slowly morphing into a mass-murdering maniac and there appears to be no hope for me, except Research in Motion Limited (RIM) inexplicably goes bankrupt and is forced to shut down its operations. Barring this improbable occurrence, I might be forced to kill every Blackberry-toting human being I come in contact with, for the perfectly good reasons I will highlight below. Given the massive popularity of the Blackberry brand and the huge profits thereof, (from U.S President Barack Obama to that recharge card vendor on your street) I appear to have a lot of killing to do!

It thoroughly gets my goose whenever I see people who have absolutely no need for the phone walking with their noses touching the screens and furiously banging at the keypad. I know most of YOU Nigerians are fad-conscious and will subscribe to nearly anything that appears to make you look more successful than the next fellow (especially irrelevant titles like ‘Chief’, ‘Alhaji’, ‘Otunba’, and ‘Obong’) but some people are taking this Blackberry thing too far.
For the avoidance of doubt, I strongly believe the Blackberry is a revolutionary tool in the field of communications. People can easily access important information on the go, making them work more efficiently. The class of people mentioned in the last sentence certainly do not include UNILAG girls (or any aristo-loving female, for that matter) and every Segun, Emeka and Musa that want to impress members of the opposite sex with their ‘phones.’

First problem: A lot of people who own Blackberries did not purchase them with money earned from an honest job. The phones are usually ‘maga-ed’ from one randy goat who, blinded by lust, is willing to shell out N80,000 on a mobile phone in the often vain hope that his sexual urge will be fulfilled by the recipient of the phone. On securing it, the female quickly exploits another dumbass and gets the schmuck to dole out N3,000 every month for her BIS which enables her surf the net and chat (substitute with gossip) all god damned day with her equally narrow-minded cohorts.

Second problem: Is it just me, or do those garishly coloured Blackberry jackets annoy you too? For most females, their Blackberry experience isn’t complete without a pink, yellow or purple phone case to go with it. Some females take it a big step further by purchasing different colours and wearing outfits to match the colours of their phone jackets. For the love of Pete, COME ON!!!

Third (But not final) problem: We all know you own a Blackberry and we are sure your village is proud of you, but can’t you make conscious effort to keep your phone in your pocket when you are not actually using it? It is pretty crass to conspicuously hold your phone in your hand all day so as to boost your ego, even though no one really gives a piss if you have a Blackberry or a Nokia 3310! It takes me back to 2004/2005 when the comical scenes of people hanging their mobile phones around their necks like adornment, back when a Sendo or Trium phone cost an arm and a leg and were considered status symbols!

Fourth problem: Paying N3,000 a month so you can BB chat all day and night is, to me, a pretty short-sighted financial decision! I mean, there is life outside ‘lol-ing’ and ‘lwkmd-ing’ all day with no significant value added to your life. I have friends who, but for the bond already established before they purchased their Blackberrys, I would have desisted from visiting them and maybe deleted their numbers while at it. It is pretty upsetting conversing with someone and when you glance at the person you feel you were talking to; you find them pounding away on their keypads with you long-forgotten! It’s really, really annoying. Really!

I hope these reasons will boost my defence in a court of law, if and when the notoriouslyincompetent Nigerian Police arrest me for murdering approximately 500,000 Blackberry owners in Lagos State. (If they don’t shoot me out of hand, that is…
It might also surprise you to know that this was...................

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Dear Future Son,

There are certain things that parents should tell their children, particularly their sons. Yes, yes we all know that there comes a time when we have to give the ‘Birds and the Bees’ talk. However there is more to that. We should tell our boys what not to do or say when going over to pick a girlfriend from her house for a date for the very first time particularly if her parents around. These are some of the things I thought about.

(1) ‘Wow, so you’re her Mum? Now I know where she gets her legs’: Okay, first of all what are you doing eyeing up Mum’s legs, you perv? Don’t you know that Mothers are akin to angels and are therefore not to be looked at in a certain way even if Mum is a dead ringer for J-Lo? Dad is NOT impressed with the fact that his daughter may be going out with someone who compares maternal body parts to Mummy
Junior! Advice: Just stick with murmured politeness and keep your eyes away from Mum’s physique, no matter how alluring.

(2) ‘Sir, don’t worry I will make sure she is safe’: Please don’t stop there. Elaborate on safe if you want to leave Dad’s house with daughter (and your bits) intact. In today’s world, the word ‘safe’ is a euphemism. What do you mean you’ll ‘make sure she is safe’? Are you running with the mafia or transporting drugs or something that could put her in danger? Just gently ask Dad what time you should bring her back and where exactly you’ll be and how you can be reached should the need arrive. You will impress her Dad and he will feel that you are a highly responsible young man.

(3) ‘Yes, yes…my car is the very latest model with spacious back seats…’: Are you out of your mind? Don’t you know that you are NEVER EVER to even give a hint of an image of a back seat to a nervous Dad? You will instantly transport him to the Land of 9 Months Later where he will en vision himself holding a squalling infant with a bewildered look on his face…an infant that came into being in the aforementioned back seats! If possible, borrow a coupe that doesn’t even have back seats!

(4) ‘Sir, may I just say that you have a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic daughter and it is my incredible honour to…”: blah, blah, blah and you can officially stop the butt kissing. What is this, a marriage proposal? On your first date? Dads have an inbuilt ‘crap-o-meter’ that lets them know who is sincere and who’s attempting to kiss up. This is not a ‘Mr Nice Guy’ contest. Dad already knows just how wonderful, beautiful etc his daughter is so you don’t need to remind him, Einstein. Besides, a guy that’s too nice and full of platitudes is just plain suspicious.

(5) ‘ When I first saw your daughter the LORD revealed to me …’: that one flew over and landed in the cuckoo’s nest…on top of your head! Even if you feel that the LORD impressed something on your heart about the lady please keep that little nugget of info to yourself until you know her and her family a little better. I am SO against people using GOD and His Holy Name to score points…or just to score. Her Dad will immediately think you are slightly delusional at best and maniacal at worst. You are not even likely to leave the house with her at this point. Just keep your ‘revelations’ to a minimum, if you please.

(6) ‘ Oh, guess what?…I can tell your future from the indentation your bum makes on the sofa! Seriously, wanna try? : and at this point your Dad will tell you your future (which will not include his daughter) and toss you out of his house so hard you’ll have skid marks on your bum! What are you, a nutcase?

(7) ‘Where are we going? Well, there’s this new bar…’: The word ‘bar’ does not sit well with any Naija parent (even if you are the legal age for drinking) and they will be worried that you intend to get their daughter inebriated and thus take advantage of her Word of advice: no bars. Besides Dude, what kind of guy are you to go on a first date to a bar?

(8) ‘ Sir, I hear you used to wrestle back in the day…Care to show me any moves?”: First of all, never challenge a beast in its own territory. And before you do anything so stupid please do try and size Dad up first. If he’s built like Richard Simmons then maybe…but if he’s built like the Rock then don’t even think about bringing up his wrestling history. Chances are he WILL show you some moves, or rather use you to demonstrate some moves. Then you will end up leaving the house with your girlfriend…she holding your hand as you scream in pain while the medical personnel bear you away on a stretcher…with her Dad murmuring in the background under his breath ‘Well I didn’t mean to break his arm. How was I supposed to know he was weak’…

(9) ‘Oh Sir, I’m not into working women and all that. Their place is at home, right (wink, wink)’: Regardless of your views on this please do remain numb! Dad will already picture his little girl barefoot and pregnant and miserable in your house while you come home every evening to demand for your food and quiet from the 7 children you are sure to father and…you get the picture? And Lord help you if Mum hears you and she works…you can be sure she will spoil all your present and future runs with your (soon-to-be-ex) girlfriend.

(10) ‘Well, I think that our Senate President is just an idiot and I really hate all those idiots at the Senate and they should all be publicly lashed..”: Good, good, you have been really vehement about your views…until you realize that Dad is looking at you oddly. ‘The Senate President is my nephew’ he says. And you smile and nod dumbly, wishing the ground could just open up and swallow you then and there. Before making any vitriolic statements about individuals (no matter how well deserved) please do some background checks and see to it that the objects of your vilification are in no way connected to girlfriend’s family.

Your future dad

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

“My wife can never cheat on me.” (said with conviction).

Those were the words of one of my older friends when asked if his future wife would ever cheat on him. So I asked him why he felt that way, “why don’t you think your wife will ever cheat on you?”. His response? “Women just don’t cheat like that.” I coughed, scratched my neck, turned around to make sure I was the only one that heard such a naive statement, and proceeded to laugh like I was watching an old school episode of Papa Ajasco. I can’t believe he just said that…
like, u no dey watch Desperate Housewives? or Snapped? Or have u been living under a rock for most of your life? But then again, it dawned on me that a good number of men feel that way – that their women can’t cheat or that for some reason women don’t have urges to just creep with Jose the gardener, or Monday the house boy. If they only knew.

They say experience is the best teacher, and as cliche as that sounds, it truly is. My lesson came at the hands of my first girlfriend in college. I was just as naive as my dear friend mentioned above. So when my girlfriend told me she was virgin and that she was saving herself for marriage, and all that good stuff, I believed it – swallowed and digested it like it came straight from the Bible. Turned out that she was giving the goods to some other guy that I knew, and I was there forming holy holy, and playing patient, understanding boyfriend. Yeah I know – just low.

Funny thing is that I didn’t know until about 3-4 months after we broke up. It’s so interesting how the victim is the last one to know. Anyway, these days when a girl tells me she’s a virgin, I smile, and sarcastically reply“I’m a virgin also. We’re all virgins…lol.” Sorry, but the only virgin I know is the Blessed Virgin Mary.
I bring this up as my own personal example of how some women (not all) can be very sneaky, and deceitful. I was being nosey today on some blogs, and came across very interesting gist on Linda Ikeji’s blog about Ikechukwu’s (Killz) girlfriend cheating on him with his good friend. According to Linda Ikeji, his facebook status after he found out, read:

“Kills is single. Women cheat and with your friend too?Of all the women out there, aint life grand ?…. Men and women are equally animals when they choose to be. ” Wow. Looks to me that Killz didn’t see this coming at all. That had to hurt.
*

The common notion has been, and to a certain degree still is, that men are dogs, men cheat without any remorse, and women are innocent victims that deal with these useless men, and get hurt time and time again, while remaining so faithful to their spouses. Really? I personally disagree. Ido think men cheat, but I also think women cheat too… probably just as much as men do. The difference? Women cover their tracks very well. They have a lie to cover the lie that covers the first lie. They never confess….EVER!, and their stories always line up perfectly – well, almost perfectly.

As my homeboy would say, “a woman can sleep with someone and pretend it never happened, and just like that, it never happened.” Women are just plain sneaky… kinda like snakes. Men on the other hand, are like dogs. Some men will hump some and everything that has a female reproductive system. They will probably leave traces all over the place, fumble on lies, and tell lies that don’t even make sense – like “I was watching the game at my friend’s place”… even though she knows fully well that the game ended 4 hours ago. Just like dogs, men commit the crime and leave the evidence hanging all over the place. It’s just plain pitiful sometimes.

Bottom line is that women might not necessarily cheat more than men, but they sure do cheat better than men do.
So as I conclude this post while listening to TLC’s song Creep , I can’t help but think, If I had spent more time listening to the lyrics of that song, instead of dancing the butterfly, I might have learned a thing or two about women creeping, and saved myself some harsh lessons. Or maybe I would’ve just learned the way I did – via experience.

Your thoughts…
who cheats more? who cheats better? who rarely cheats? who is more of the victim?

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

You are probably thinking I am crazy and should be impaled on a stake while being slowly roasted by a firewood-stoked fire, eh? That’s a sure sign that your Facebook addiction has reached the ‘point of no return’ and you are very likely going to get a query from your boss at work when he catches you ‘liking’ a friend’s picture or something redundant like that…

Sheath your swords, children… I am not in a feisty mood today… This particular piece is more self-reflective than belligerent. I was sitting in a bank the other day, getting my time wasted by some inefficient staff and I was mentally composing some blood-curdling curses when I spied their customer service representative grinning like Patience Jonathan at her husband’s inauguration. I lowered my glance from her hideously painted face to her computer screen (my seat was positioned behind her work station)and noticed with disgust that she was going through some pictures on Facebook… At 9am in the facking morning!

Lemme get this straight, you probably wake up at 5.30am in the morning, hurriedly get dressed and leave the house before 6am in a bid to beat the traffic rush, get to your office around 7.45am, open for business at 8am, and jump on Facebook at 9am? That’s some pretty mind-boggling stuff… I recently learnt that the UK estimates a loss of around14 billion Pounds a year in wasted manpower hours, no thanks to the ‘great’ Facebook. If you are good in math (unlike me) and you are willing to risk a Continental-sized headache, try and estimate how much Nigeria loses every month as a result of the social network. What even makes matters worse is the fact that nearly everyone owns a Blackberry or a WAP-enabled phone which affords you the opportunity to ‘network’ even when your company wisely blocks Facebook access during official working hours.

But as always, I digress… The point of this whole wahala is to hit you with the truth and hopefully, hit you where it hurts… THE AMOUNT OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE ON FACEBOOK IS NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR POPULARITY IN THE REAL WORLD!!!

The amount of ‘friends’ you have on Facebook is not directly proportional to the amount of people who actively consider you their ‘friends’ in the real world and invite you to hangouts, birthday parties and stuff.

I see people with 1,548 friends on their friends list and I just shake my head in disgust. I make bold to say even President Obama does not KNOW and remember the names of up to 1,000 people. Do people really get off on having an army of friends on Facebook? Does it bolster your flagging self-esteem whenever you imagine how well ‘loved’ you are because you have a bunch of people who you haven’t met before in your life and who probably don’t give a piss about you? The only time they remember you is when that helpful little application on Facebook reminds them of your birthday and after dropping a three word sentence on your wall, they promptly ignore you for the next 364 days… Give me a break!

Confession: I used to suffer from similar delusional thoughts while playing Football Manager on my laptop some years ago. After winning countless titles with your favourite team, you tend to become a little smug and out of touch with reality. I became aware of this failing of mine during the 2008 African Nations Cup where the fat, unfit, unpatriotic,over-aged and minutely talented foreign-based ‘stars’ of Nigeria were playing beautiful rubbish as usual and causing countless cardiac arrests among fans of the team. I was railing at the coach, the fans, the ball, and anything remotely related to the competition! I swore that I could do better than the bumbling coach who appeared clueless on how to effectively coordinate his team. After Nigeria was deservingly kicked out of the competition, I attacked the game with a fury, hoping to get some consolation by winning the Champions League title with Arsenal. To cut the long story short, an un-fancied Racing Santander thrashed me 4-0 in the final, scoring three of those goals in the first 10 minutes of the game… B**ls%$t!!!

I recently took a good look at my Facebook friend list and realized that I had physically communicated with less half of them before. At various times, I have added people just because they looked good in their profile pictures or they were females. (You do it too,so shut up!) Much older and wiser now, I mentally kicked myself on my shin and embarked on a mass deletion of ‘friends’ that I have not communicated with in a long while, or people whose faces I just don’t like… I look forward to the ruckus that this action is sure to cause…

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

It is 9am on Sunday morning. The rays of the sun coming into my room woke me up. I can smell fried egg coming from the kitchen. I picked up my shorts, wore it and made my way to the kitchen. As I entered the kitchen,the sight that greeted me was such a lovely one. There she stood with her back to me in a lacy turquoise thong and my white tee-shirt. I walked gently towards her and hugged her from behind. It startled her. She screamed and turned around and we started laughing. She kissed me good morning. I sat down at the dining table and I still could not believe she came home with me from the club considering she is 6 years older than my age of 24. Her breasts seem to defy gravity as they stayed perky and firm without any hint of sag despite the fact that she was not putting on any bra at the moment.

She served breakfast and we made small talk as we ate. After breakfast I gave her a kiss for a well-prepared meal and she giggled.
“What are your plans for today?” she asked.
“Errrrr, I have no plans” I replied.
“You do now” she said
I laughed out of surprise and just nodded my head in agreement.
“What exactly do you have in mind?”
She replied “I am leaving now. Let’s see a movie together. Meet me at the mall by 2.”
She walked to the room, where she got dressed and I tried persuading her for a quickie but she declined saying we will end up not leaving the room the whole day, which sounded perfect to me. She kissed me goodbye as she left my house.
I got to the cinema at exactly 2:15 to find her waiting for me. It felt strange to be the one apologising for coming late. We saw a movie and afterwards decided to take a walk round the mall. We kept our conversation flowing by making fun of people we passed by. She was eager to know more about me and asked general questions which I answered.

Suddenly, the question got personal and it looked like she was already imagining us in a relationship. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead,my palms were sweaty and my voice shaky.
“Are you okay?” she asked
“Yes” I replied quietly
” I don’t think so. You look like you just saw a ghost” she insisted
Like magic I found my voice and replied “Yesternight was fun,we hooked up and the sex was awesome”
“I am glad you enjoyed it” she said with a smile
” I am not looking for anything serious and this right here is getting serious. I feel like you are picturing us together already” I answered
“Ooooooh” she said with shock written all over her face
She continued by saying ” Can we go now please?”
” We are cool, right?” I asked
“Yes” she replied
We left the mall with me feeling so relieved that she had taken it well.

My relieve turned to dismay on Monday morning when I got to work and my boss called me to his office to introduce the new head of my department. The woman he had said so much about is the same woman I hooked up with over the weekend and to make matters worse she is his daughter.


P.S
If you think you are a good writer, or feel like you have what it takes to be one, here's a chance to get featured on this blog. All you need do is re-write this post from the woman's perspective/point of view I.e seeing and narrating this story from the woman's point of view and email it to me at: hendrix@doctor.com

You get the chance for you post to be featured on this blog if your entry is chosen..... Happy writing.... (•͡.̮ •͡ )
Email address once again is: hendrix@doctor.com

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

I'm not saying that men should act like robots and be slaves to etiquette, but some basic good manners will go a long way in helping you during your ascent to the top.

1 - Run with her on the beach.
2 - Give her your sweater when she’s cold
3 - Never talk about other girls infront of her.
4 - Learn to play the guitar for her.
5 - Comfort her when she’s scared.
6 - Watch the sunset with her.
7 - If she can’t sleep, read her a bedtime story.
8 - If you get in a fight with her and she starts crying, just stop and hold her.
9 - Never force her to do anything.
10 - Call her beautiful, especially when she least expects it.
11 - Never let her walk home alone.
12 - Play with her hair when she’s laying on your chest.
13 - Always make the first move.
14 - Never lie to her, she’ll find out.
15 - Kiss her when she’s sleeping.
16 - Sing to her no matter how terrible your voice is. ..she’ll like it.
17 - When she’s fighting with someone, defend her even when you don’t think she’s right.
18 - Accept her for who she is.
19 - Call her beautiful instead of hot nor sexy.
20 - Don’t let go first during a hug.
21 - Tell her if she has something in her hair.
22 - Tell her you love her before she sleeps every night.
23 - Never go through her messages.
24 - Making her look bad infront of your friends will make you look bad, too.
25 - Always have her back.
26 - Kiss her in the rain.
27 - Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
28 - Stay on the call with her even if she fell asleep.
29 - Let her fall asleep in your arms.
30 - Give her piggyback rides.
31 - Call her babe.
32 - Apologize when you’re wrong.
33 - Always open the door for her.
34 - b00bs or butts doesn’t matter.
35 - Notice the little things.
36 - Give her flowers.
37 - Good hygiene is a must.
38 - Be confident.
39 - Don’t swear.
40 - Carry things for her.
41 - Always be the stronger one.
42 - Pay for dinner.
Hold her chair.
44 - Be a good listener.
45 - Don’t brag.
46 - Compliment her.
47 - Don’t use her.
48 - Respect her.
49 - Perform random acts of kindness.
50 - Never take her for granted.
51 - Give her breakfast in bed.
52 - Hang out with her friends too, not just yours.
53 - Do whatever it takes to make her happy
54 - She’s more important than video games.
55 - Don’t make a promise if you’re going to break it.
56 - If she slaps you, you probably deserved it.
57 - She should have three things from you; your sweatshirt, a stuffed animal and a really pretty ring.
58 - Never slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way
59 - If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
60 - Forget her birthday once and you’re screwed.
61 - Hug her from the back. 62 - Never insult her, even if you’re joking around.
63 - Never miss a date.
64 - Try your best to get her something on your vacation. (it doesn’t have to be expensive, as long as it’s from the heart)
65 - Wear that knitted sweater that she mad for you. (it will mean the world to her)
66 - Never ask her to buy you things.
67 - If you love her, show her, not your friends.
68 - Don’t get upset if she wants to watch chick flicks. (you might even like it)
69 - When she’s sick, don’t neglect her.
70 - Reply her texts.
71 - Never ask a girl out because of a dare.
72 - Never be late for a date.
73 - Unexpected surprises
74 - When both of you are in a fight, take the blame even if she’s wrong.
75 - Listen to what she has to say.
76 - If you know she loves you, don’t play with her emotions and take advantage of it.
77 - When she refuses to talk to you because you did something to upset her,insist and make up for it.
78 - Make her feel like a princess.
79 - Shift to the dangerous side when crossing the street.
80 - When she drops something, stop whatever you’re doing to help her.
81 - Never let her down of blow her off.
82 - Treat her like your best friend.
83 - Kiss the back of her hand.
84 - Love her when she least deserves it — that’s when she needs it the most.
85 - Tell her your stories and feelings too. She wants to hear them. Promise.
86 - Don’t tell her lies just to spare her feelings, she’d rather know the truth now rather than finding out later.
87 - Yes, “I’m cold” is another way of saying “hug me”.
88 - Believe her and believe in her.
89 - Always listen to what she has to say.
90 - Good grammar is sexy. 91 - Look her in the eyes.
92 - Let her rest her head on your shoulder.
93 - Take the initiative to go and talk to her.
94 - Have pillow fights with her.
95 - Never talk bad behind her back.
96 - Never be a jerk to her infront of her friends.
97 - Never go to parties or hang out with other girls without her.
98 - Never make excuses.
99 - Don’t talk to her when you’re mad. (you will screw something up)
100 - Don’t try to keep anything from her.
101 - Slip sweet notes in her locker. (they will make her day) 102 - Never let a day pass without saying ‘I love you’ to her.
103 - Always protect her from any kind of harm.
104 - Never give her a reason to think that she’s the man in the relationship.
105 - Grand gestures.
106 - Kiss her under the stars.
107 - Love her unconditionally .
108 - Make her an album of the songs that reminds you of her.
109 - Never lead her on if you know nothing’s going to happen.
110 - Never answer “Does this make me look fat?” question. (it’s a trick)
111 - If you love her, never let her slip away.
112 - Your warmth soothes her heart.
113 - When going out, don’t ask her what she wants to do, take charge and decide.
114 - Smile and laugh at her jokes, even if they aren’t funny. 115 - If you don’t have time for her, make time for her.
116 - Always be available for her.
117 - If you love her, tell her before it’s too late.
118 - Never forget an anniversary
119 - When you’re around her, always make her feel like you’re her first and last.
120 - It’s the little compliments that means alot to her.
121 - Show her off infront of your or her friends.
122 - When she’s tired, carry her.
123 - Never accuse her.
124 - Do it because you want to, not because you want something back in return.
125 - Actions speak louder than words.
126 - Have those I-love-you-more -figh­ts. (she thinks it’s cute)
127 - Don’t say whatever when you are arguing. (it’ll make her more mad)
128 - Never blame her for your mistakes.
129 - She loves that cute smirk. Promise.
130 - A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally .
131 - No more bro’s before ho’s. Well respected women, before bro’s.
132 - Don’t go anywhere without kissing her goodbye.
133 - Hold the door for every girl, attractive or not.
134 - Try to write a song for her, even if you’re not musically inclined. (she’ll love it no matter what)
135 - Text her good morning to have her day start with a smile.
136 - She comes first. Always.
137 - Never let her forget how much she means to you.
138 - Never let her fall asleep waiting for your call.
139 - Her “nothing” is always something.
140 - Never tell a girl she doesn’t understand. Ever. Chances are she does.
141 - Forehead kisses.
142 - Have a day for just you and her, she loves the one on one time.
143 - Have tickle fights with her (but let her win)
144 - Dance with her even when there’s no music on.
145 - Stay up, even if you are tired to talk or chat with her
146 - Never give her a reason to doubt your feelings for her. 147 - Never reject her kisses or hugs.
148 - Don’t text or call her just because you’re bored.
149 - Kiss her spontaneously in the middle of her sentence
150 - Love her for who she is, not for who you want her to be.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

To whom I’m certain, this will concern someday:
I had this very strange dream yesterday, and in Τ̣̣ђё dream, I was talking with my mom and she told me she read all my letters but none of them really mentioned Τ̣̣ђё kinda guy I was. She then asked me (in my dream) to write this piece.
so DEAR FUTURE WIFE, Instead of contributing to the growing divorce rate, I’d rather you see these potential deal breakers in advance, far before we tie the knot.

* I have THE WORSTMEMORY EVER. That’s actually an understatement, but there are no words in the English language to explain just how forgetful I can be. It’s probably going to seem like I’m an awful listener,but I assure you that’s not the case. I’m fantastic at hearing all of your comments, concerns, requests, etc. —I’m just not capable of retaining more than two percent of what you’ve said for any longer than five minutes. The phrase, “Can you remind me to _______?” should never be directed toward me, ever. Simply put: I don’t remember ANYTHING.

*I hate bugs. All of them. Here’s fair warning, if we see a cockroach in the bathroom, I’m not even going to attempt to kill it
[1]. It’s important that we take preventative measures in advance to make certain that critters are kept to a minimum. We’ll spray outside to secure the perimeter, leave those poisoned roach baits in select spots and keep crumbs and spills to a minimum. On the plus side, I am willing to kill select insects, including but not limited to: ants, tiny spiders,moths, house flies and in some rare cases, crickets.

* I break more stuff than I’m capable of fixing. At times can be a smidgen clumsy, which often results in random objects being broken. Whether it’s a dish, the lever on the recliner chair, the car, or the sink; you spend enough time around me and you will most definitely deal with an abnormal amount of “out of order” signs. The plus side, however, is that I will attempt to fix anything and everything. Sure, it often goes awry because I have the repairing abilities of Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, but what I lack in skill, I make up for in effort. Google and persistence are often enough to fix any damage without calling a pricey repairman. Another positive: The one thing that I’ll never break is your heart.

* I cry on some occasions. Three occasions, specifically:
1. When someone close to me passes away.
2. When I am peeling onions
3. When that Nigeria commercial on CNN comes on.

* Most of the time Occasionally I’m really cheap smart at shopping. I take great pride in being a frugal grocery shopper. I’m capable of taking 1000 bucks and turning it into a fully stocked kitchen. Τ̣̣ђё downside? I invest in a lot of off brand products. ‘Tin Tomatoes and Grounded pepper ’ aren’t quite as delicious as ‘fresh tomatoes and pepper’ but for N60 less, I’ll take ‘em! I understand if there are certain things that you prefer to purchase the name brand of.

* I have a firm no farting rule. It isn’t cute or amusing at all . I’m not sure who created this notion that passing gas on or around each other signifies some type of milestone in a relationship’s strength, but they are wrong. I won’t fart near you, you don’t fart near me and we’ll both breathe in peace.

* I can’t cook (somebody lied). Not even a little bit. I’m not one of those guys who expect dinner preparation to be handled strictly by the woman. Unfortunately, due to my zero cooking abilities :-D, I can only contribute so much. If you need someone to boil water, preheat the oven, add a dash of salt or set the table —I’m your guy. Anything else and you’re playing with fire… Literally; I’ve started dozens of kitchen infernos making things as simple as frying plantains.

* When my sports teams lose, so does everyone around me. I can’t help it, my passion as a fan gets Τ̣̣ђё best of me from time to time and I radiate negativity after tough losses. DOUBLE WARNING: I’m an ARSENAL fan so be prepared for some serious pessimism every year during each premier league season.

* I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day. Sorry, but it’s man made and Τ̣̣ђё concept of being nice to your partner one random day out of the year is preposterous.


As bad as all those things may sound, I’d like to list a few positives as well, just to balance things out.

*. I shower AT LEAST twice a day, everyday.

*. #I#never#use#hashtags #on#Twitter. That’s got to count for something .#Right?

*. I just love waiting for a girl, no matter how long it takes, while she does her shopping[4].

*. I’m one of the most accurate pissers ever; not a single drop on the seat since ’95. As a result of my precision, I never have to lift the seat up to urinate.

2012 is my absolute, favourite movie of all-time. I’ve seen it at least 50 times.

P.S :
*If you want to know more, add me on facebook *winks* and if you are my friend on facebook already..... Indicate by raising your hands...

I know I might not strike you as a sports kind of guy maybe because I hardly write sport-related stuff but I am, I promise. Matter of fact, I'm a die-hard Arsenal fan and I'm actually at the point of dying literally.

You see, I'm a very committed and patient man, little wonder I'm Nigerian. If you are reading this and are Nigerian, then I salute and celebrate you. Presently, there are a lot of similarities between Arsenal and Nigeria. One remarkable, obvious one is that you have to have a heart of stone to survive the love for them seeing as both of them are widely regarded as underachievers.

Nigeria is a country blessed with so much potential, raw material, natural resources, etc; just as Arsenal is a team blessed with talent, raw material (wonderful youth academy), natural resources (home grown talent). However, both successfully (with ease) break the hearts of their fans year after year.

It's been seven years since Arsenal last won a trophy and it's almost seven years since Nigeria had a leadership that at least brought some form of goodwill the way of its people. The Obasanjo regime probably remains our best in terms of the dividend(s) of democracy.

Arsenal is a team that plays the best, attractive, entertaining football; but has failed to see that entertainment alone does not win trophies. In the modern day game, the best players win trophies. This is similar to Nigeria where we possess a system attractive to the onlooker outside; this attracts investors but they come only to discover that the best hands are not managing these institutions.

Oh, how can I forget to mention that Arsenal has a strict wage policy that limits the earnings of its best players to sums as ‘paltry’ as $80,000 while their counterparts of less quality earn even more. This is similar to our dear country where our strict wage policy sees workers earn a minimum of N18,000 monthly. Their 'counterparts' washing toilets in other countries earn more.

For the past seasons, Arsenal has lost most of its best players to other clubs as a result of the annoying wage policy or their hunger for titles. Thierry Henry, Robert Pires, Emmanuel Adebayor, Kolo Toure, Cesc Fabregas, Samir Nasri and soon Robin Van Persie all moved and won the trophies they sought; as well as got paid well for it. Our country, Nigeria is gradually becoming a breeding ground for the fresh minds who discover that there is little room for them to be all they desire tobe. There is little renumeration after work is done; and as such, greener pastures are sought elsewhere.

Are we going to keep being the 'feeder team' to the other nations of the world while ours continually rots? Do our policies need to be altered? Are we going to keep 'entertaining' and producing talent while the world snaps them up and urges us to do more?
Enough is enough. We need a change and we need it now.

I believe in Nigeria.

Kelvin Igbodo